Book Description
Available for the first time in paperback, this follow-up to the phenomenally successful Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience, He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy with our romantic partners.
Customer Reviews:
Not a completely useless book...but close........2007-08-16
This book starts out well enough, it defines the word commitmentphobic (anyone scared of a commitment) and then discusses active and passive conflicts. It then talks about characteristics of each type -- things a person with active conflicts typically does in relationship, and the same for those with passive conflicts. You'll probably start to see some familiar behaviors here. Then it'll explain how everyone has commitment issues to some extent, both passive and active, and how it's only a problem if it interferes with your relationships.
You say to yourself, great. This is all very reassuring. So what do I do about it?
For the next 200 pages (it's about 300 pages total), the book offers NO practical advice. Instead it begins to use "commitmentphobic" as a dirty word, and starts to tell stories of relationships. You read story after story thinking "Hey, I see some of myself here, I wonder what they'll recommend to resolve this situation...". You get to the end of the story and there's no advice, just another story. You get to the end of the chapter and there's no advice, just another chapter full of stories. And regardless of what they say, not all the stories are of commitmentphobic people.
The book also practices a lot of tough love. In several cases it appears to be saying "Anyone who is willing to commit to you is the person you should commit to. There is no perfect person, no person of your dreams, no one you should be holding out for. Growing up means giving up on your dreams and settling down."
Finally, the last few chapters of the book attempt to give some practical advice, but it ends up being contradictory. Here's what one of the last chapters said, boiled down to a few sentences.
Acknowledge you have commitment issues, but don't talk to your partner about them. Ok, do talk to your partner about them, but don't cry. Actually, don't talk to your partner about them because that'll create more intimacy. Wait, do talk to them about it, but only when you're ready to break up with them.
What????
In the end the only real practical piece of advice they give is to get counseling. Not very useful after buying the book and reading 300 pages.
I'll save you trouble and give you the good stuff out of the book. Notice how short it is.
Active avoiders pursue hard at first and then draw away, putting up boundaries. Passive avoiders fall hard, but always for the wrong people (active avoiders). You're falling for those people because it's "safe" to love them, because you know it won't turn into a real relationship. No one necessarily falls into one camp or the other, you can switch between relationships or during a single relationship.
Everyone has commitment issues to some extent. If your issues hurt your relationships, take a cold hard look at your patterns and try to manage them. If you can't, seek counseling.
See? I did all the whole book in less than a page.
You may have a fear of commitment and not even realize it!.......2007-05-15
I bought this book b/c my boyfriend and I were dating several years and it seemed when one of us wanted to move forward and commit, the other was holding back, then we would flip-flop - reading this book enlightened us so much on why that is and why we behave certain ways in our relationships and choose the partners we choose! Very interesting info to say the least!! I'm only 1/3 through but it's a great read!
Shines a piercing light on the situation.......2007-04-16
"Am I afraid of commitment because of something about this particular relationship (in which case maybe I should find a new one?) or because I have a problem with commitment in general (in which case maybe I should hold onto this amazing person by my side--but who does have a few things I don't like)?"
If that question resonates with you some way, then you should get this book.
As someone who struggles with commitment in relationships and many other areas of my life, this book has, in a lot of ways, my number. I've always struggled with decisions, from what to do with my life to what to order on a restaurant menu. And deciding on the person you're going to spend your life with has to be the decision of all decisions. In a way, it was nice to read it and feel validated... "hey look at all these other people who are struggling with the same thing I am". The book really illustrates the different kind of dynamics that can happen in a "commitment-phobic" relationship. This book provides knowledge, and knowledge is power. That's a hackneyed expression, but truthfully, in order to beat this you have to first know what "this" is, and this book lays it out pretty clearly. So that is at least a first step.
I read the book with great anticipation hoping that the author, a self-proclaimed commitment phobe, would show me the light, show me how to "fix" me. Unfortunately, that's where the book falls short. After exposing commitment phobia in all it's confusing, painful, pathetic, paralyzing, and humblizing detail, the basic advice seems to be for anyone involved with such a person to stay away. It's like I was reading the majority of the book thinking this is wonderfully insightful and it's addressing both the commitment-phobe and the person with the commitment-phobe, and then, near the end, the book seems to abandon the person with the commitment-phobia and only addresses the person-with-the-commitment-phobic-person (the so called passive partner)-- I almost felt like I was being turned against. The one piece of advice that it seems to offer the active commitment phobe is to get therapy.
In a nutshell, ideally the book would:
1. Clearly identify the problem
2. Offer steps to fix it
It does #1 quite well but left me wanting a LOT more for #2. Still I recommend it. Another book which offers more in the way of #2 is "Getting to Commitment" by the same authors (although still not as much as I'd like). "Getting to Commitment" is a little more sympathetic to the actively commitment phobic person. What I'd love to see the author do is write a much more autobiographical book on how he overcame his own commitment phobia in his life (Steven Carter is married now).
I can either laugh or cry.......2007-03-11
As I am reading this book, I am laughing aloud at how utterly insane, yet true it all is! The authors really nail down the absolutely contradictory behavior of people with committment issues. I am seeing my dating life pass before my eyes and, in light of this book, it is not pretty! I have been working on myself long enough to have a healthy sense of humor, so this book is not only opening my eyes WIDE but tickling my funny bone as well.
If you are ready to be humbled and ready to change, read this book.
Great Book.......2007-03-06
This book was great for me. It helped me get through alot of things not only that but, understand the way I work sometimes in why.
Book Description
Based on a careful analysis of the earliest Christian documents and recent archaeological discoveries, The Jesus Dynasty offers a bold new interpretation of the life of Jesus and the origins of Christianity. The story is surprising, controversial, and exciting as only a long-lost history can be when it is at last recovered.
In The Jesus Dynasty, biblical scholar James Tabor brings us closer than ever to the historical Jesus. Jesus, as we know, was the son of Mary, a young woman who became pregnant before her marriage to a man named Joseph. The gospels tell us that Jesus had four brothers and two sisters, all of whom probably had a different father than his. He joined a messianic movement begun by his relative John the Baptizer, whom he regarded as his teacher and a great prophet. John and Jesus together filled the roles of the Two Messiahs who were expected at the time: John, as a priestly descendant of Aaron, and Jesus, as a royal descendant of David. Together they preached the coming of the Kingdom of God. Theirs was an apocalyptic movement that expected God to establish his kingdom on earth, as described by the Prophets. The Two Messiahs lived in a time of turmoil as the historical land of Israel was dominated by the powerful Roman Empire. Fierce Jewish rebellions against Rome occurred during Jesus' lifetime.
John and Jesus preached adherence to the Torah, or the Jewish Law. But their mission was changed dramatically when John was arrested and then killed. After a period of uncertainty, Jesus began preaching anew in Galilee and challenged the Roman authorities and their Jewish collaborators in Jerusalem. He appointed a Council of Twelve to rule over the twelve tribes of Israel, and among the Twelve he included his four brothers. After Jesus was crucified by the Romans, his brother James -- the "Beloved Disciple" -- took over leadership of the Jesus dynasty.
James, like John and Jesus before him, saw himself as a faithful Jew. None of them believed that their movement was a new religion. It was Paul who transformed Jesus and his message through his ministry to the Gentiles. Breaking with James and the followers of Jesus in Jerusalem, Paul preached a message based on his own revelations, which would become Christianity. Jesus became a figure whose humanity was obscured; John became merely a forerunner of Jesus; and James and the others were all but forgotten.
James Tabor has studied the earliest surviving documents of Christianity for more than thirty years and has participated in important archaeological excavations in Israel. Drawing on this background, Tabor reconstructs for us the movement that sought the spiritual, social, and political redemption of the Jews, a movement led by one family. The Jesus Dynasty offers an alternative version of Christian origins, one that takes us closer than ever to Jesus and his family and followers.
This is a book that will change our understanding of one of the most crucial moments in history.
Download Description
"Based on a careful analysis of the earliest Christian documents and recent archaeological discoveries, The Jesus Dynasty offers a bold new interpretation of the life of Jesus and the origins of Christianity. The story is surprising, controversial, and exciting as only a long-lost history can be when it is at last recovered. In The Jesus Dynasty, biblical scholar James Tabor brings us closer than ever to the historical Jesus. Jesus, as we know, was the son of Mary, a young woman who became pregnant before her marriage to a man named Joseph. The gospels tell us that Jesus had four brothers and two sisters, all of whom probably had a different father than his. He joined a messianic movement begun by his relative John the Baptizer, whom he regarded as his teacher and a great prophet. John and Jesus together filled the roles of the Two Messiahs who were expected at the time: John, as a priestly descendant of Aaron, and Jesus, as a royal descendant of David. Together they preached the coming of the Kingdom of God. Theirs was an apocalyptic movement that expected God to establish his kingdom on earth, as described by the Prophets. The Two Messiahs lived in a time of turmoil as the historical land of Israel was dominated by the powerful Roman Empire. Fierce Jewish rebellions against Rome occurred during Jesus' lifetime. John and Jesus preached adherence to the Torah, or the Jewish Law. But their mission was changed dramatically when John was arrested and then killed. After a period of uncertainty, Jesus began preaching anew in Galilee and challenged the Roman authorities and their Jewish collaborators in Jerusalem. He appointed a Council of Twelve to rule over the twelve tribes of Israel, and among the Twelve he included his four brothers. After Jesus was crucified by the Romans, his brother James -- the "Beloved Disciple" -- took over leadership of the Jesus dynasty. James, like John and Jesus before him, saw himself as a faithful Jew. None of them believed that their movement was a new religion. It was Paul who transformed Jesus and his message through his ministry to the Gentiles. Breaking with James and the followers of Jesus in Jerusalem, Paul preached a message based on his own revelations, which would become Christianity. Jesus became a figure whose humanity was obscured; John became merely a forerunner of Jesus; and James and the others were all but forgotten. James Tabor has studied the earliest surviving documents of Christianity for more than thirty years and has participated in important archaeological excavations in Israel. Drawing on this background, Tabor reconstructs for us the movement that sought the spiritual, social, and political redemption of the Jews, a movement led by one family. The Jesus Dynasty offers an alternative version of Christian origins, one that takes us closer than ever to Jesus and his family and followers. This is a book that will change our understanding of one of the most crucial moments in history. "
Customer Reviews:
Unconvincing..........2007-10-09
Being an agnostic does not mean that books like this one do not interest me, and it is not the first book I read on the subject of the historical Jesus. In fact, one does not need to be a believer to agree with Tabor that Jesus was definitely the most influential figure in the history of mankind; and if one does not subscribe to the dogmatic view of the Church on the Christ myth(the huge number of those who do would surely want to crucify the likes of me!), one at least wants to understand how Jesus the man lived and died. In this respect, this book offers some new insight on the subject, but Tabor goes sometimes too far in twisting facts to achieve what he is aiming to prove. In fact he goes so far as to lose his credibility as a historian.
I will just give a couple of examples:
- First, the genealogy of Jesus according to Luke, at page 46 : what is amazing here is that Tabor takes the exact position of the Catholic Church on this issue!When asked why there are two different genealogies of Jesus(supposedly both inspired by the Holy Spirit!!!)the priest who gave me religious instruction when I was a kid said exactly the same thing: Luke gives the genealogy of Mary, whereas Matthew's genealogy is that of Jesus! This hypothesis, brilliantly refuted by D.F.Strauss in his monumental "Life of Jesus"(Chapter 2, paragraph 21), does not stand any chance of being historically true. Furthermore, there is not one single version of the Bible which spells verse 3:23 of Luke as Tabor does:"...being as was supposed son of Joseph, of Heli..." All versions I know(King James, New Version, Bible de Jérusalem, Arabic versions...) read as follows:" being as was supposed a son of Joseph, son of Heli.." So what Luke is saying clearly is that Heli is the father of Joseph, not of Mary!Besides, the reduction of Eliakim to Heli is one of those twists that might convince the reader who has no idea about semitic languages: the H in Heli is in fact a "'ain", like the H in "Hebrew", and cannot possibly have become an "aleph", like in Eliakim!.And finally, a genealogy which pretends to go as far back as Adam can hardly have any credibility at all, and is only good for Christian Theology, not for historical research.
I will not dwell here on the following paradox, one of many that mar the Christian dogmatic view of Jesus: if, as we are told, Jesus is the son of God, why should the Gospel writers go to such extremes to prove that he is descended from David? The answer is simple: the "son of God" myth is a later addition to the original Christian dogma. As for the genealogies of Jesus, both of them cannot be taken seriously, as their authors were trying to prove that Jesus was the Messiah...And the whole of Tabor's "historical" construction of the Jesus Dynasty falls like a deck of cards!
- The second point concerns what Tabor says about Islam at page 187:"there is little about the view of Jesus presented in this book that conflicts with Islam's basic perception".No Dr Tabor! Arabic is my mother-tongue, so I have been able to read the Quran first hand, and Issa, the Arabic Jesus, is the most supernatural of all the prophets of Islam! In fact , Islam's basic perception of Jesus stems from apocryphal gospels rather than from the canonical ones, and we all know that the former have been discarded by the Church because they were judged too "fantastic"( but how they could be more "fantastic" than the canonical ones is for believers to explain!). In the Quran, Issa speaks to defend his mother while still in the cradle! He makes clay sparrows fly like real ones by just blowing on them, a story taken from the "Infancy Gospel" of James...In addition to the fact that the Quran clearly states that Jesus was conceived by Mary without human intercourse! And finally, Issa was not crucified(a reminiscence of the gnostic Basilides), but was "lifted" to Heaven before being caught, and it was poor Simon of Cyrene who was crucified in his stead("They did not kill him nor crucify him, but so it seemed to them..."). So he actually never died, which is contrary to Tabor's main thesis.As a matter of fact, any devout Muslim will consider Tabor's view of Jesus no less a blasphemy than any devout Christian...
Having said that, this book deserves to be read by all those who are interested in the search for the "historical Jesus", and they would have to draw their own conclusions...As for me, I am not convinced!
Excellent Work!!.......2007-09-07
Dr Tabor does due diligence in providing a verifiable historical perspective of what we know about the life of Jesus from the available archaeology and historical text. I found this book enriching my understanding of Jesus and my faith. Anyone wishing to understand Jesus within the context of his time in history will not be disappointed.
A great book that Christians need to read.......2007-09-02
Others have done a splendid job in pointing out both the positives and negatives in the book. The former greatly outweigh the latter in my opinion. But the overall idea that Paul, in a sense, 'invented' Christianity whilst pushing aside the remaining disciples is not a new one.
If more Christians investigated the true history of the birth of their religion I think they would be more than a little shocked. As this book makes clear, Paul developed a theology that differed markedly from what Jesus taught and did in his lifetime. The obvious question Paul supporters should ask is "who was best placed to carry on the Jesus revolution?" - the disciples who knew him intimately, or someone who never met him and claims he was given revelation by a vision? And why would Jesus change his ideas so soon after his death/resurrection and then give them to a total stranger anyway?
As this book reiterates, especially in last chapter ,the gradual destruction of what Jesus really preached by a mixture of Paul, the early church and the Romans is, in reality, a crime against humanity. As a direct result millions have died in the two thousand years since. And still are today.
Great Book!.......2007-08-04
This book was awesome. Anyone interested in history should read this. Lots of info here that many may have never thought about. Much better than Simcha's book.
Deists should love this work of fictional theories.......2007-07-28
Honestly, there were a number of things that I learned in this book:
1) Jesus's father was possibly a Roman soldier named "Pantera." The evidence comes from a late second century text, with no basis in its historicity before this time. Mary apparently was a slut who had a thing for boys planning to become Roman soldiers. Yet this theory goes against everything we read about Mary in the Bible! Dr. Tabor is such a naturalist when it comes to the paternity of Christ, as he holds to a presupposition that a human pregnancy cannot take place unless there is human sperm. Yet Pantera was a second century invention used to contradict the Matthew 1:18 account, as Christians then and today all hold to the miraculous conception of the Christ child. Should this late reference used to contradict the Virgin Birth be taken so seriously in a historical context?
2) Jesus was not really God in the flesh. Instead, he was merely a man. Thus, when he died--and Dr. Tabor agrees that crucifixion did kill Jesus--he was buried. Hence, there was no resurrection. He references a 16th century mystical rabbi to show how Jesus was buried in a town in Galilee. (Strange why the Jewish and Roman authorities didn't look further into the matter and follow this grave so they could produce the body of Christ, which would saved them a lot of hassle since it would have killed any "resurrection" theory. After all, neither the Jews nor the Romans desired the resurrection in the first place.) Just like Thomas Jefferson who cut the miracle stories out of his gospel accounts (ending his "Bible" with "And they laid him (Jesus) in a tomb"), Dr. Tabor is not a believer in miracles. Thus, he cannot accept a miraculous resurrection of a dead body. While he is an empirical evidentialist who cannot believe anything that runs contrary to the miraculous, isn't a presupposition really an act of belief/faith in its own right? Damn the historical evidence, he appears to say, and thus we need to come up with any theory that runs contrary to the supernatural ideas. Is this really fair from a historical perspective? I think not.
3) James and Paul contradict each other. So which of these men were right? Based on my careful reading of both James and Paul, though, I completely disagree and would say it is very clear they actually are in sync. Yes, Martin Luther called James an epistle of straw, but I think a careful reading of this with Paul shows no compromise. The two mean had different audiences and perspectives, which at first glance can be confusing, but when you study what they say, there is no contradiction between James, the leader of the church in Jerusalem, and Paul, who was the apostle to the Gentiles.
4) Jesus was a disciple of John the Baptist. In fact, he says the gospels get it wrong, as apparently Jesus believed John was better than he. Among other implications, the Lord's Prayer is a reflection of the Baptist, not originally Jesus's words. The history used in support? It's called grasping at straws, as it's just not there, or at least objective historians without presuppositions would call this a theory floating in the wind. Anyone can make up what they want and turn it into historical "fact." The question is, what does the evidence support?
5) Jesus's family formed the "Dynasty" who were disciples and leaders of the church. While there is no early support for this theory as well as the fact that this view contradicts Acts and the earliest accounts we have, Dr. Tabor theorizes that James (the "Beloved" disciple written about in the gospel of John) and his brothers played a much more prominent role than the NT lets on. Of course, it is obviously true that James plays an important role in Acts, as he was the head of the church in Jerusalem. But James is never called an apostle, as one sent forth, and he did the vast majority of his ministry in Jerusalem. The evidence to show that Jesus intended a dynasty of his family is lacking.
All in all, the premise of the entire book comes down to these presuppositional nuggets: Don't trust the accounts of history found in the Bible; miracles can't occur; and, billions of people are believing in their Christ in relative ignorance. While I obviously am not a fan of this work, let me give some positive points. One, the creative writing style is quite imaginative, and the author forced me to consider things from an entirely different angle. I like the fact that he tries to utilize archeology in determining history, as this is something that not all historians utilize enough. And, finally, the book does contain beautiful pictures and illustrations, perhaps worth the price of admission.
Unfortunately, however, the work that I thought was meant to be historical comes away as reading fictional. So, if you're looking for another DaVinci Code, then I would recommend this book. But if you are looking for true history, this Jesus of Dynasty just doesn't make the cut.
Book Description
Luke has never been to school. He's never had a birthday party, or gone to a friend's house for an overnight. In fact, Luke has never had a friend.
Luke is one of the shadow children, a third child forbidden by the Population Police. He's lived his entire life in hiding, and now, with a new housing development replacing the woods next to his family's farm, he is no longer even allowed to go outside.
Then, one day Luke sees a girl's face in the window of a house where he knows two other children already live. Finally, he's met a shadow child like himself. Jen is willing to risk everything to come out of the shadows -- does Luke dare to become involved in her dangerous plan? Can he afford not to?
Download Description
Luke has never been to school. He's never had a birthday party, or gone to a friend's house for an overnight. In fact, Luke has never had a friend. Luke is one of the shadow children, a third child forbidden by the Population Police. He's lived his entire life in hiding, and now, with a new housing development replacing the woods next to his family's farm, he is no longer even allowed to go outside. Then, one day Luke sees a girl's face in the window of a house where he knows two other children already live. Finally, he's met a shadow child like himself. Jen is willing to risk everything to come out of the shadows -- does Luke dare to become involved in her dangerous plan? Can he afford not to?
Customer Reviews:
Must Read.......2007-05-31
Among the Hidden, by Margaret Haddix, was a non-stop exciting book. Luke, a third child, has to hide from the Population Police because he is illegal. Now he has neighbors that took out the woods so he stays in his room and eats on the stairs. Then one day he looks out the vents in his room and sees a girl at the window of the house next door that he knew that there was already two children living there, so he goes over and meets Jen who is risking her life to free the "shadows" and tries to earn the right to be equal! Luke admires her but doesn't think he's brave enough to help her.
Margaret Haddix wrote this book to teach people that everyone should be equal even if they are the odd one out. Readers that read mysterious and intelligent novels should pick p this book and start flipping the pages of excitement! This book is for all ages that like to read. Don't hesitate; go to the library or book store now!
Great book.......2007-05-14
I have recently started to read this series. I think that the first book is awesome. It is about an illegal third child, Luke Garner, and his struggles to be free. I would recommend it for grades 5-7.
Great series!.......2007-05-10
Luke lives in a futuristic society where the government has decided that each family may have only two children. Unfortunately, Luke is a thrid child and must remain hidden all the time. Then one day, he meets another third child, Jen. She is organizing a rally to have the two child law repealed. Will Luke participate? Will Jen be successful? My 7th graders who read this book in their lit circle loved it and went on to read the rest of the series. What more could a teacher ask for?
This book is very great!.......2007-04-26
This book is really a pleasure to read. It really changes your mood back and forth. Like one moment you are sad because Luke has to stay in his house and does not want to change his mind. But the other chapter you feel excited and tricked because he did change his mind and is out at the "sport families" house. Then you get alittle scared because they are thinking of doing a "shadow kid rally" and it really worried Luke and now my mood is a confused mood Luke and I dont know if he is going to be in the "shadow kid rally." But the book is awesome, read and enjoy!!
you will LOVE this book!.......2007-04-18
The name of the book I read is Among The Hidden and the author is Margaret Peterson Haddix. It is about a kid named Luke who is a third child, and back then third children weren't allowed. Luke was a kid who usually obeyed his parents so another family wouldn't catch him and turn him in. He had two older brothers named Mark and Mathew. His family loved him and they only wanted to protect him so they wouldn't loose him, but Luke wanted an adventure, or at least be able to go out and play. Finally, while everybody was gone Luke sees a child in the house window next door. To make sure he wasn't wrong he waited a couple days. He was right, there was someone else in the other house. So he decided to be daring and run to the house. Luke ends up meeting a third child that needs to be hidden like him. Her name is Jen. Her dad works for the population police, but he would never turn her in. Jen wants to have a rally for all the third children, which she has met most of them online. She tried to convince Luke, but Luke has a really bad feeling that something bad is going to happen. After a couple days from Jen leaving for the rally Luke runs over to her house to see her, but Jen and the other third children that had gone, had been shot. Luke was devastated. Luke needed to leave because now the population police are looking carefully. So Jen's father buys Luke a fake I.D. and he is now leaving to a private boarding school. It took place in about year 2000.
I LOVED the book Among The Hidden. It kept me entertained through the whole story. I think that you should read this book too. It has adventure, surprise, and will keep you wondering what might happen to Luke next.
Book Description
When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already praised by a diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its victims are male or female. Cook begins by examining the common misconceptions about this social issue and offers a wealth of what will be new information for most readers. While statistics show that 1.8 million American women are severely assaulted by their mates each year, few know that the same source indicates that 2 million men are also assaulted at home. After laying the groundwork for a serious reconsideration of how society views domestic violence, Cook allows a number of abused men to tell their stories. He then puts these experiences in the context of what therapists and others who have worked with such men know about domestic violence and how the male victim is similar to, yet different from, his female counterpart. After examining the reasons why so little is known about male abuse and the difficulties researchers encounter, Cook shows how the abused man, his friends and family, and the abusive or abused woman can come to grips with domestic violence. Drawing from a variety of sources, the final chapter brings these diverse elements together and proposes practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its victims are male or female.
Customer Reviews:
Balanced Picture of Domestic Violence on Both Sides.......2005-09-18
Author Phil Cook does and excellent job of documenting and presenting a logical case that Abused Men (and fathers and their children) by women is very real, large as life, often denied and usually very "hidden" - the proverbial elephant in your back yard. If you ignore and deny it, it won't matter, or "doesn't exist."
An extra pat on the back for the author on making his case for abused men while not discounting the seriousness of domestic violence (DV) against women, and without exaggerating the real amount of violence on either side. It would be fool-hardy to do the opposite, as many authors do, exposing their ignorance, bias, prejudice and even their own abusiveness to the victims of these sensitive issues, where revictimization often comes at the hands of "well-meaning" authors and officials. Though this book is 8 years old it is still very applicable today, as is the excellent and fairly well balanced 25 year old book, "Behind Closed Doors, Domestic Violence in the American Family," quoted by the author.
Had "Abused Men" been written today more could have been included to support the fact that male victims are beyond all doubt no less commonly (and severely) victimized as female victims, despite mis-drawn but often quoted conclusions from some not-so-balanced studies. Examples: The Department of Justice (DOJ) stats which the author quotes from the early 90's have since risen dramatically for male victims, as the eyes of some victim advocates are just starting to open. DOJ stats now concede that men comprise about 35% to 40% of all DV victims (a far shot from the then 8-15%), but closing the reality gap bit by bit. Most balanced and extensive studies reveal that younger women are up to twice as violent as younger men. Yes, this is the college- age crowd, from which come the very women who scream the loudest, but only about violence against women. Since publication of "Abused Men" even reluctant DHHS (Dept of Health and Human Svcs - along with Div of Child and Family Svcs/Child Protective Svcs) compiled stats showing that most DV against children is by biological moms (62%) while just 25% is by biological dads. One official from DHHS confirmed the validity of this report but wanted to explain that it was due to moms spending more time with the kids, and that most of it was from single moms who get little support from the absent fathers and are stressed out... So fathers really are important in decreasing child abuse and neglect, according this contradictory social worker who had earlier discounted the importance of fathers and showed her disdain for fathers (abuser suspects in her book) and belief that mothers were superior and the best single alternative for children... I asked her if her office didn't back the anti-DV mantra, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!" used by women's shelters and women's support agencies and groups her office associated with (Was she excusing, justifying abuse by women?). My observations were met with passive-aggressive rage. Studies now show that women as a whole gender are more often aggressive initiators, initiating about 62% of all physical DV, including events where the woman gets the worst of it in the end. A hospital ER study conducted in 2004 (inspired by another biased study that only questioned women...) revealed that the men (given the same questions as a women-only study) had received more injuries of a serious nature from their female intimates than the other way around. The list goes on...
As the author and others he quotes wisely point out, the reason police, DOJ and hospital reports of abused men is climbing (but not up to par yet) is not that women are becoming more and more violent, but only that violence BY women was ignored more in the past. Men are still told by many ER doctors that getting beat up is his own fault, while proper reports are not filed and police are not notified. What happened to their mantra they tell female victims in the same ER, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!"? This is why the male ER study was very different than most ER stats on DV against men vs DV against women - the male patients in the study were actually allowed input which was reported on rather than the bias of doctors and nurses being the only report heard. Perhaps male doctors, police, judges etc are the most critical of male victims for daring to break the silence and not "take it like a man," thus another reason male victims often stay silent, except in balanced studies. You speak up, you get revictimized.
Thanks, Phil Cook, for showing that proper studies can be presented in a balanced way.
A crisis too long ignored.......2005-05-07
Society has come a long way, baby, in recognizing WOMEN'S domestic violence but has completely overlooked the plight of abused HUSBANDS. Where are THEIR shelters? Their support groups?
We still have the tendency to blow off abused men as "henpecked husbands" when the reality is far more critical and has already resulted in tragedy. Thank you, Mr. Cook, for bringing this issue into the light of day. Hopefully men will start coming out of the shadows and filing charges against their abusers so that everyone will see what they already know: THEY ARE VICTIMS. Domestic Violence is exactly that, and the victims' sex organs are irrelevant
An inspiring healing book.......2004-12-09
First I must address several grievous mistake in the review written by Detroit velvet. 1. This individual states that it is wrong to say more men than women are abused. That is grossly incorrect. Sociologists and scientists all over have stated time and again that indeed more men than women are abused. 2. This individual further implies that ALL MEN lie about being abused, while it is true that some men are abusive it is ludicrous to make the blanket statement that all men are abusive, thereby liars when caught claiming victimhood. What utter nonsense!
Detroit velvet is in dire need of a reality check. If the men who are abusive can lie claiming abuse then why is it so impossible to assume that women who claim abuse may in turn be lying and in fact are the abuser?
I have to wonder how many women have physically, and mentally abused their male partners then when the partner left claimed the role of the victim instead.
Men don't tell because they face monumental obstructions by authorities and peers. Mentalities such as 'men love it' or 'you deserved it' or 'you're lying' or 'you're such a whimp, suck it up'.
I was kid and had a girl friend who beat and belittled me then would come back claiming she was sorry and loved me so I took her back, time and again finally I had enough and left. She claimed abuse. I NEVER HIT A WOMAN IN MY LIFE - EVER!
Later I had another girl friend while not a hitter was very verbally abusive, after having enough I left, and then another and another, all angry and some hitters.
Then I met my wife, who was very much a hitter, and extremely emotionally abusive. Again I never raised a hand to her or any woman. After eleven years (and two children) of trying to make it work, hoping she would change, I couldn't take the depression and the abuse any more, I left. I have been in counseling since and trying to break the cycle of picking the SAME WOMAN over and over again.
This book is a real help and acknowledgement to those of us who to varying degrees have lived though abuse. I wish our anti male prejudiced media and society treated this abuse with equal concern and diligence as they do abused women and children.
Just a couple after notes here.
1. With all the press over abuse why is this segment so blatantly ignored?
2. If a man is bitter and prejudiced against women he is a chauvinist pig and a mental and social caveman. What then is a society that views a gender such as men the Detroit velvet and other like this individual, view them? Wow! Talk about hypocrisy!
Open your eyes and look at the entire picture of abuse........2003-12-27
Sorry to all the feminist apologists out there, but men *are* abused by their female lovers, and rarely do they defend themselves - because the odds are so incredibly stacked against them. A woman can always claim that her abuse was in self-defense, and 99 times out of 100 she will be believed, no question. And where exactly is a battered man to go? There is exactly one shelter for abused men, and it's targeted to gay men, and it's in San Francisco. I guess if your wife is battering you in Virginia, you're SOL.
I loathe the hypocrisy of the feminists who refuse to believe that women are capable of bad things - and when we do commit grievous bodily harm, assault, rape, or murder, it's not our fault. No, it's the husband, or the father, or the police, or someone (anyone) else. This book is one of the few that breaks the myth that women are the sole victims of domestic violence.
Intimate Violence: The Case of Abused Men.......2003-04-26
Philip Cook's Abused Men is well conceived, well documented, and well written; it is an excellent source book for both perpetrators and victims of domestic violence as well as for police officers, community leaders, health care providers, family therapists, crisis-line workers, and other helping professionals. Another positive aspect of this book is Cook's ability to make research findings on male abuse and its consequences accessible and understandable for readers new to the field of domestic violence. The book can serve as an eye opener about the factions, disagreements, and controversy that are part of the issue of domestic violence.
Eugen Lupri, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus of Sociology
The University of Calgary
Calgary, Alberta
Canada
Book Description
What are you really telling your children?
Elizabeth Pantley, the creator of the bestselling No-Cry parenting books, shows you how to improve the hidden messages behind your words and deeds. She shares with you other parents' stories that demonstrate how they unknowingly sent their kids negative messages through their words and actions. After each story she provides a gentle lesson by showing the child's perspective on the same scenario and offers suggestions for a positive outcome.
Download Description
In Hidden Messages, parent and educator Elizabeth Pantley shares stories drawn from hundreds of parents that demonstrate how they unknowingly send their kids negative messages through their words and actions.
Customer Reviews:
These messages are obvious.......2005-10-11
I bought this book because I loved the No Cry Sleep Solution. After reading the first three examples and the "hidden" messages, I was completely disappointed and returned the book. I found that I didn't even need to finish reading the chapter to guess at what the message was. In one of the chapters, Pantley uses an example from her own parenting. I thought, okay, now she's going to share with us one of her mistakes and how she learned from it, and was about to give her some credit for being honest with her readers. Unfortunately for me, in this example she comes out having done everything correctly (not doing her child's homework project for him) and a number of her son's classmates' parents are in the wrong. Don't we all know that the child should do his/her OWN homework? And maybe by not allowing him/her to do the homework, we are saying that he/she isn't capable of doing it? Or that mom or dad will always be available to tackle the complicated stuff? I don't think that we need a book to figure that out. These messages are anything but subtle.
Challenging me to better parenting!.......2004-11-15
Reading this book has been a seriously eye-opening experience for me. While I "knew" that our children are little sponges and take in everything around them, I had no idea how many "hidden messages" I was giving my daughter that were so negative. I truly saw myself as an excellent and attached parent, and I still do, but this book has truly called me to a deeper parenting model. Not everyone comes from a wonderful family of origin, and this book showed me how many things I was passing on that I had no intention of teaching my daughter. I recommend this book to every parent!
Most powerful book I've ever read!.......2004-04-20
Powerful is the only word to describe this book. I can't believe the impact it can have on your life. I think if all parents were required to read it before their children were born our world would be a place I'd be more than happy to raise my 2 children in!
Jessica Hudson
Sexy & Stylish Maternity Clothing and Nursing Clothing at Eva Lillian Maternity & Nursing Boutique
Wonderfully written....Important topics.......2004-03-04
Powerful eye-opening messages that expose the errors in our innocent daily actions with our children. Each chapter opens with a very typical and common parent-child situation. You'll be nodding in agreement as you'll see yourself displayed clearly. Then the author presents a description of the Hidden Message shown in the action and you'll stop and restructure your thoughts on the insightful take on a seemingly harmless interaction. For example, if you always do for your child by packing his lunch, tieing his shoes, cleaning his room then you may be robbing him of the ability to take care of himself. Every parent should read this book - and the younger your child the better. Excellent.
Devoted parents!.......2003-06-18
Once again Pantley has done it. What a fabulous window into myself and my children. I must confess that I think I am a most devoted and conscientious parent. With a background in early childhood education, I feel well prepared to competently reer my two boys. But Elizabeth's book has me re-examining some of my everyday decisions, such as cleaning up after my three year old or staying after him to do it. More importantly, reading certain scenarios was a reminder to me that every interaction with my children has an impact on their fragile little developing personalities. And frequently the impact is more far reaching than I anticipate.
Hidden Messages is not only valuable information. It also compellingly written by an author who is as competent and experienced as she is earnest and compassionate.
This book is a "must read" for parents!
Book Description
In her twenty years as a clinical psychologist, Annie Rogers has learned to understand the silent language of girls who will not–who cannot–speak about devastating sexual trauma. Abuse too painful to put into words does have a language, though, a language of coded signs and symptoms that conventional therapy fails to understand. In this luminous, deeply moving book, Rogers reveals how she has helped many girls find expression and healing for the sexual trauma that has shattered their childhoods.
Rogers opens with a harrowing account of her own emotional collapse in childhood and goes on to illustrate its significance to how she hears and understands trauma in her clinical work. Years after her breakdown, when she discovered the brilliant work of French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, Rogers at last had the key she needed to unlock the secrets of the unsayable. With Lacan’s theory of language and its layered associations as her guide, Rogers was able to make startling connections with seemingly unreachable girls who had lost years of childhood, who had endured the unspeakable in silence.
At the heart of the book is the searing portrait of the girl Rogers calls Ellen, brutally abused for three years by her teenage male babysitter. Over the course of seven years of therapy, Rogers helped Ellen find words for the terrible things that had happened to her, face up to the unconscious patterns through which she replayed the trauma, and learn to live beyond the shadows of the past. Through Ellen’s story, Rogers illuminates the complex, intimate unraveling of trauma between therapist and child, as painful truths and their consequences come to light in unexpected ways.
Like Judith Herman’s Trauma and Recovery and Kay Redfield Jamison’s An Unquiet Mind, The Unsayable is a book with the power to change the way we think about suffering and self-expression. For those who have experienced psychological trauma, and for those who yearn to help, this brave, compelling book will be a touchstone of lucid understanding and true healing.
Customer Reviews:
Rogers trusts her readers.......2007-08-19
I am not an expert in this field.
This book was an introduction to a deep way of thinking about humanity.
About Freud and psychoanalysis.
The book takes the reader through a process. The authors experience, clues, cases, clues, structure, clues. Trusting the reader, Ann Rogers takes the care to let our consciousness unfold. The material and stories of the girls and of her reactions is frightening. Horrifying. Her technique of not blaming the perpetrator nor leaving the victim in the sole role of victim was difficult but at the same time open doors to understanding the past, the behaviors and the future.
I can't recommend it more highly.
At a loss for words.......2007-02-24
It's probably not a coincidence that it is difficult to put into words what Annie has communicated in her book about the hidden language of trauma. Through her entrancing and lyrical use of language, she somehow magically illustrates how the invisible marks of trauma on the body repeatedly surface through the spoken--and more importantly non-spoken--language. In her work with traumatized children, Annie mirrors back traces of their unconscious she remarkably detects in both their words and silences, and ultimately helps the child to give voice to the haunting "unsayable."
Admittedly, I am still trying to process all that was said in this book. And as I do so, I take comfort in Annie's final words of the book when she said: "..if your body in pieces has begun to speak, and if you are now brimming with words and their sounds--and you're no longer sure of what you're hearing or saying...you are the one person I've written this for, the one to whom I entrust these words."
Profound, inspiring, helpful!.......2006-11-30
I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm just beginning to deal with it at the age of 17. An older friend of mine sent me this book in hopes it would help.
I didn't expect it to help so much.
I went through it with a highlighter, marking all the meaningful, important lines; each page is near fully yellowed.
I read this book in a week. I could not put it down.
Highly, highly recommended--not only for CSA survivors, but for psychologists, and anyone else interested in understanding.
Illuminating.......2006-08-22
With an emphasis on words and the associations we make with them, Rogers unveils how some children continue to re-experience and re-live past trauma. First, she describes her own childhood crises in a narrative that is both revealing and intimate. She describes her state in ways that allow one to experience it as she had, instead of something simply as foreign and "over with." Then, through example, we follow her as she tries to understand what the children's gestures and words are trying to "say" without their being able to verbalize it. However, she uses the children's own meanings of things (instead of simply standard symbolic meanings) to re-explain to them what has happened and how it continues to persist in their lives, unwittingly. This is what keeps it fresh and real. Moreover, throughout the book, there is an unstated underlying stream of empathy and relatedness. A great book.
Book Description
Best-selling author Gary Smalley shares the principles of strong marriage by combining two of his previously published works.
Customer Reviews:
Great book on Marriage.......2007-01-19
Gary Smalley hits the nail on the head when he descibes what women really need from their husbands in this wonderful book. I have read many marriage books and this one will remain at the top. Any man would be wise to heed his advice. There is also a part of the book for women to learn what it is their husbands really need. Enjoy!
Sharon
Lots of Good Insights but rigid ........2006-04-23
Smalley has alot of good insights but he is too rigid ,he places all of the responsibility on the husband . For a more balanced view try Haltzmans Secrets of Happily Married men or Michelle Weiner Davis .
Very sexist .......2004-12-24
This book is written by a OLD man. His views express a time when life was good for men and hard for women. If the traditional marriage was such a nifty niche for women, then why aren't they still there? This book will only be satisying to men and the elderly. You will see alot more of these types of books in the future as men desperately try to hang on to the oppressively patriarchal society they created with their might makes right world order . As you can see, it's backfiring.
I Understand Where My Husband Is Coming From..........2001-07-02
This is the book that got my husband and I back on the same page in our relationship. We had become just parents, nothing more. Although it has a Christian spin, the author doesn't try to sugar coat the dealings that go on b/t a man and a woman. He gives it to you straight. My husband said he was dead on in the section that tells the wife how the husband is feeling. But what amazed me is how on point he was about the woman's point of view. It was downright scary. Best of all, my husband "got it". Something I couldn't get accross verbally or he stopped listening to me. Whatever. Get this book if you are about to give up on your relationship and just ask you partner to read the chapters on your point of view. You will open the doors of communication. Wonderful insightful work
Hidden Keys to a Loving and Lasting Marriage.......2000-05-30
A few months ago my wife and I were having some troubles. I was at my best friends house talking about it when he handed me a book called "The Joy of Committed Love." I explained to him that no man would be caught reading a book with that title and he said..."Just open it to the flaged page showing 122 ways that men offend their wives. I read through 50 of them and put the book down...I had done all 50! I picked the book back up and read the last 72...I had done all of them as well! I borrowed the book and read it cover to cover on a business trip, and have been trying to buy my own copy since. "The Joy of Committed Love" has been reprinted as "The Hidden Keys to a Loving and Lasting Marriage." Just as soon as I type my last period I am placing an order for 3 more copies. Nothing in life is guaranteed...but this book worked for me...and now my wife and I could not be happier. If you care about your current relationship...or your next...Buy This Book!
Book Description
Many people consider the Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) a modern miracle. These easy-to-do processes are revolutionizing the field of psychology.
By simply tapping on stress-relief points on the body, you can use these techniques to clear stuck emotions and self-defeating patterns, producing profound breakthroughs. It's usually fast and amazingly effective.
Also, learn about other dynamic healing tools that enhance EFT, such as muscle-testing and the Getting Thru Techniques. The Getting Thru Techniques elegantly help you find core issues more directly.
In this easy-to-read book, learn in detail how EFT and the dynamic Getting Thru Techniques(GTT) can help you to:
* Eliminate fears, including creative and career blocks
* Heal pain and physical challenges
* Stop addictive cravings like smoking and unwanted habits
* Overcome insomnia
* Change limiting beliefs to empowering resources
* Reach your ideal weight
* Increase physical activity and performance
* Achieve genuine freedom and fulfill your deeper purpose
* Resolve relationship issues and much more
This essential self-help resource can help you to create more joy, love, and freedom in your life. You will refer to it again and again.
The Mountroses also have other high-quality, complementary material:
* Two professionally produced DVDs/videotapes on these techniques, entitled "Getting Thru to Your Emotions with EFT." One DVD/video focuses on EFT and muscle testing and the second work focuses on the Getting Thru Techniques (GTT), which help you discover core issues and greatly facilitate the healing process.
* A 2-CD set on "Getting Thru to Your Emotions with EFT" that describes EFT as well as the deepening "Getting Thru Techniques," which makes this audio great for working through personal issues and self healing.
* The Mountroses also developed another energetic healing technique as powerful as EFT, called SPIRITUAL KINESIOLOGY. They described it in their groundbreaking "Getting Thru to Your Soul" book, CDs, and DVDs/videotapes.
* To make EFT even easier and more effective, the Mountroses have written a follow up and companion volume to this book, entitled "The Heart & Soul of EFT and Beyond: A Soulful Exploration of the Emotional Freedom Techniques and Holistic Healing." In this easy-to-read book, the Mountroses share many invaluable tips and tools, as well as adding updated information on EFT, new discoveries, and powerful, complementary holistic techniques. The book also includes a 50-page section of insights from 11 EFT experts, who are leaders in this emerging field of energy healing.
Customer Reviews:
Good book.......2007-06-26
I bought this book,but wasn't sure if I was doing the tapping right,so I bought the vhs video as well,and it made a big difference.There were things in the video,even Gary Craig didn't have in any of his.I did buy most of his as well.If you want to treat yourself and a few others,get the book and their video,which would be great together.If you want to professionally treat others,you'll have to buy Gary Craig's dvd's as well,because the more you know the better.The sequence is the same for most problems,but it's good to have lots of info.If you're interested in healing others and yourself,you should also look into Reiki which I have also.You can buy a dvd on here by Steve Murray,so you can get a level one attunement.Gotta love Reiki,it's good for you too.
EFT made simple.......2006-05-23
I own several books and CDs on the subject of EFT but found that the instructions in this book are the easiest to understand and follow. As a learner, I was most interested in what would help me to become competent in the technique. The instructions, examples and style are simple and straight forward. Although I am a health care professional, this text and the CDs are presented so that a lay person can easily use them. I would recommend the book and the CDs for anyone who desires to actually use the technique.
More than I expected!.......2006-04-30
I am thrilled with the authors' incorporation of spiritual aspects with EFT. Many of my clients have had great breakthroughs using the Mountrose soul-based methods - as have I. Perhaps the gentleman who was not pleased with this book missed what the rest of us found - a refreshing approach that's not afraid to make the soul connection. For those who are eager to delve deeper, I heartily recommend this book as well as their new book, The Heart and Soul of EFT.
Useless.......2006-04-17
I am a huge fan of EFT and am always eager to learn more, but this book was a complete zero for me. I haven't been this disappointed in a book from amazon.com in a long time. The authors are more concerned with self-promotion than helping people, which gets in the way of their communication. The content is vague, diffused, and very limited. I would recommend instead Gary Craig's free manual, or Energy Tapping by Fred Gallo.
It Changed My Life.......2004-01-13
The books, audio tapes, and video tapes by Jane and Phillip Mountrose have been instrumental in changing my life. They have provided the bases for spiritual and personal changes that have brought me to re-evaluate my lifestyle, and the things I want to accomplish in this life. They are well written, easy to understand, and contain simple exercises to help make the information useful and easy to apply.
I have read many self-help books over the years, and in most cases they have had very helpful information, but have been difficult to implement, or have failed to inspired me enough to make a change. This is the first time I have been able to apply the information and techniques discussed, and made the necessary changes to my personal life. As a result, I have shared these techniques with friends and collegues with amazing results.
I will be eternally grateful to Jane and Phillip Mountrose for their pure and insightful help.
Book Description
The author reveals the many opportunities for artistic expression that can be found in ordinary, everyday life.
Customer Reviews:
Inspiring.......2007-07-26
What a treasure. A wonderful book that encourages you to use your gifts and to be creative! And to make it a priority! All tired and burnt out housewives should read.
Ctaylor.......2007-07-19
I loved this book, Schaeffer does an excellent job of inspiring her readers to brining art into every day life. She has an abundance of great ideas, and is a very easy-to-read authoress. I bought 6 copies and have given them away as gifts to several friends.
Inspiration that makes your life a sparkling fountain!.......2007-03-17
The book is about living out a creative, christian lifestyle in everyday life. It's really an art to live like that. A comparison is made with our Creator God who is tremendously creative in nature. In all of us there is a hidden artist. Especially in this day and age of hurry and microwave food this book is very refreshing!
Edith Schaeffer, founder of L'abri has described her vision on life in a great way! This is the most inspiring book ever!
Changed my view of homemaking.......2007-01-16
I wasn't prepared for staying at home with my kids. I was overwhelmed by the "Martha Stewart" model. This book freed me up to be myself and create a home for my family that we could all live with. I just bought the book for the next generation - my nieces.
THE BEAUTY OF CREATIVITY REVEALED IN THE HOME.......2006-09-18
This book is one of those staples that should be on the bookshelf of every Christian woman. I reread it periodically whenever I need a reminder that even the most humble of homemaking skills is an artistic gift from God.
Schaeffer writes, "Whatever form art takes, it gives outward expression to what otherwise would remain locked in our mind, unshared." She explains how God is the divine Artist, as we can see in Psalm 19, "The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament showeth his handywork."
The detailed pen-and-ink drawings throughout the book are captivating enough, but Schaeffer will help you realize how your talents can bring beauty into your world.
Each chapter delves into one of the hidden arts, such as music, painting, interior decorating, gardening, flower arranging, cooking, writing, sewing, and recreational pursuits. I loved reading the author's descriptions of her mother and what a godly influence she had on her. This book would make the perfect gift for brides to be or any woman who needs a refresher on how the ordinary can be transformed into the exquisite, when fused with the joys of creativity.
--Reviewed for Christian Women Online, [...]
Amazon.com
In The Wonder of Girls, Michael Gurian aims to bring us new insights into the lives of our daughters in much the same way he attempted to open up the lives of adolescent males in The Wonder of Boys. While many of the chapters read like lessons in biology, plenty of parents will find useful tidbits and reflections from this father of two.
Gurian emphatically agrees with Deborah Sichel's (Women's Moods) idea of "A woman's biology is the cornerstone of her mental health." He elaborates on this theory throughout his discussion on the physical changes in childhood and adolescence. This concept certainly holds some validity, but there's a fine line from here to "biology is destiny." Some readers may find Gurian crosses that line with his claims of "brain pruning" and insistence about hormones: "they don't just change a girl into a woman, they are, to a great extent, the woman herself."
Others find his recommendations on hormonal treatments to be a literal lifesaver, and the book is peppered with positive anecdotes from his own life and families encountered in his training sessions. Important issues like self-esteem, eating disorders, and sexual experimentation are all addressed, along with the role of the father and "the absolute sanctity of motherhood." Gurian offers a somewhat narrow path as a guide through your daughter's adolescence, but if nothing else, this book will provide a solid background in the physical aspects of her growth. --Jill Lightner
Book Description
A revolutionary approach to raising girls that combines groundbreaking research with practical parenting advice.
In The Wonder of Girls, as in its predecessor, The Wonder of Boys, Michael Gurian presents radical and enlightening views of parenting. Using as his springboard up-to-date scientific research on female biology, hormones, and brain development and how they shape girls' interests, behavior, and relationships, Gurian offers crucial information for fully understanding girls' basic nature. As such The Wonder of Girls is essential -- and riveting -- reading for anyone involved in raising daughters.
In a culture caught between traditionalism and feminism, Gurian, himself the father of two girls, debunks long-standing myths about girls and presents a new vision that provides for the equal status of girls and women, yet acknowledges their nature as complex and distinct from men. He explains what is "normal" for girls each year from birth to age twenty; what developmental needs they face in each stage; and how to cope with developmental crises such as early sexuality, eating disorders, parental divorce, and more.
With his scientifically based developmental map of girlhood, Gurian helps parents to get to know their daughters from the inside out. Challenging our culture to embrace this crucial piece of the puzzle, The Wonder of Girls elevates the dialogue on parenthood.
Download Description
Michael Gurian, whose national bestseller The Wonder of Boys presented a radical and enlightening view of parenting sons, now offers a groundbreaking approach to raising daughters. In The Wonder of Girls, Gurian, himself the father of two girls, provides crucial information for fully understanding the basic nature of girls: up-to-date scientific research on female biology, hormones, and brain development and how they shape girls' interests, behavior, and relationships. He also offers insight into a culture mired in competition between traditionalism and feminism and a new vision that provides for the equal status of girls and women yet acknowledges their nature as complex and distinct from men. He explains what is "normal" for girls each year from birth to age 20; what developmental needs girls face in each stage; how to communicate effectively with girls; and how to cope with developmental crises such as early sexuality, eating disorders, parental divorce, and more. With personal insights, practical tips, real-life anecdotes, and accessible science, The Wonder of Girls creates a new parenting paradigm. Key elements include: a nature-based approach to why girls are the way they are the connection between the need for profound attachment and the physical and brain development of girls support for a girl's inherent need for intimacy tools to protect girls' self-esteem and emotional life a new approach to girls' character development and rites of passage. With this scientifically based developmental map of girlhood, Gurian equips parents with a comprehensive guide for raising daughters. Challenging our culture to examine and embrace a crucial piece of the puzzle missing thus far, The Wonder of Girls elevates the dialogue on parenthood.
Customer Reviews:
a woman of authority.......2007-04-16
I am a working mother of three children - a son and two daughters. I bought The Good Son, Shaping the Moral Development of our Boys & Young Men by Michael Gurian, and picked up The Wonder of Girls, Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters, also written by Gurian, simply because if I'm going to buy a book about the boy, as an Equal Opportunity Parent, I feel compelled to buy a book about the girls, even though I generally feel much more confident in my ability to parent my girls than I do my son. After I bought these books, I checked some reviews and was a little put off by one review that classified The Wonder of Girls as an attempt of a man trying to tell women what their nature was when he, by nature, could never have a true understanding of women. I decided to start with The Wonder of Girls because, frankly... it's the shorter of the two. And I was a girl once upon a time, so I figure reading it will be like eating cotton candy... sweet but requiring little effort. I couldn't have been more wrong, and I find myself rereading passages many times. Gurian includes a great deal of scientific detail, neurological information about how male and female hormones shape our reactions and development, and debunks a great deal of the argument that boy and girl behavior is all due to socialization. Gurian doesn't dismiss it entirely, nor does he try to assert that generalizations about the biological nature of women are absolute for every woman, but makes a very strong case that while socialization plays a role in behavior, socialization has been overemphasized and biology has been grossly underemphasized. I don't know a mother who hasn't lamented on the difference between her boys and girls... even mothers who, like me, have been committed to raising sensitive young men who are not afraid of their emotions and who, like me, are committed to non-violence... mothers who have banned toy weapons and violent media, only to find her preschooler happily shooting her with the pistol he made from Lego's or Connex (you know, those toys we buy in part because they are CONSTRUCT-ive rather than DESTRUCT-ive) in a gleeful game of cops and robbers that he is happy to play all by himself. If these mothers are also blessed with girls, they've often compared and contrasted stories of their girls turning their brothers' toys into babies, and sticking baby dolls under their shirts to nurse them.
Sometimes I reread a passage several times to fully let the meaning sink in, or to examine some of the knee jerk reactions I feel and separate what I have been taught from the truth that I have always felt to be true. There is a very strong emphasis on mothering in this book (and for the record, there is also a section in the same chapter about fathering), and also an emphasis on the fact that was we mother our daughters, we are shaping future mothers. I'm not so young that I don't remember being told, perhaps not in such blunt terms, what and where "my place" is. At the tender age of five or six years old, I asked my mother what college was. She told me it was where girls go to meet their husbands. So there are certainly times when the Femi Nazi in me rises up at any hint, no matter how remote, of what my role or "duties" are as a woman or mother.
But even in the midst of those knee-jerk reactions, I sense truth in this writing, and also realized that this is a book written BY a parent, FOR other parents... would it be complete if there wasn't an emphasis on the importance of mothering? A comment someone made to me keeps coming to my mind. A good friend of mine, who is not a biological mother, asked my then 6yo daughter what she wanted to be when she grew up. My daughter responded, probably with little hesitation, that she wanted to be... a mother. This child has been telling me, since the tender age of three, that she wants to be a mom... and not just a mom, but a mom who cooks. Imagine that... thirty years of fighting for women's rights, and my daughter wants... no, she yearns... to be barefoot, pregnant, and standing over a hot stove.
My friend relayed this story to me, with the lament that "they" sure start conditioning girls at a young age. I was not offended, but I was definitely at a loss. I had no idea how to explain to my friend how incredibly proud I was that my daughter thinks the highest aspiration... above being a dancer or cowgirl... is to be a mother, or why I think that's such a GOOD thing. I almost felt like it was time to surrender my feminist card and oust myself.
I was raised in a very dysfunctional family by a woman who very clearly had grown to resent the imposition of responsibilities that she had chosen for herself. Watching her anger and bitterness as she pushed more and more of the responsibility for mothering my siblings onto me, I vowed time and again that I would NOT be having children. I remember overhearing my grandmother lament sorrowfully that she was sure I would never have children of my own because my mother had robbed me of my childhood and forced me to become a parent far too soon. That I have become a mother, and done it with such grace that my daughters, as well as my son, want to have children of their own is a source of pride, the depth of which I cannot even begin to explain. They can see the pleasure it brings me to nourish not just my children's minds and hearts, but their bodies. My daughter's desire to become a mother is not a result of social conditioning... she, like my son, sees the joy that mothering has brought to me, to my life... and despite how hard the job is, they both see, through my living example, a sacred purpose in it.
So back to this book... there were many times where, while reading this book, my eyes stung with tears. When terms like "womanism" are defined and expanded upon, when the concept of the intimacy imperative and the three family system are offered as vitally important to women and girls... concepts that fellow mothers and I have discussed in different terms, but at length. There were times where I felt a sweet ache in my throat as well as I read something that filled me with a sense of pride in the job I am doing and complete awe in the sheer sacredness of the task I have undertaken. I'd like to share one such passage.
"...even as I study world cultures, it strikes me powerfully that we are, should we choose to assert our ability, capable of helping to innovate a sacred role for girls and women that is among the most unlimited, and also among the most well ordered, in the world.
...In all languages, whether moder, mater, meter, maternus, or matr - mothering is the highest ideal in female life, the most universally respected. And one etymological fact that is perhaps of greatest interest to us in the wake of thirty years of experimenting with the possibility that women didn't need to define a sacred role for themselves is this: In its linguistic roots, mothering is associated with being a woman of authority as well as being a female parent of children. For our age, this expansive definition of mother seems most fitting."
Needless to say, if you have daughters, I highly suggest reading this book. Even if you are not a parent, I think you'd find this book informative and enlightening.
Interpersonal Relations | Relationships | Health, Mind & Body | Subjects | Books
Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love)
Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap
Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart
The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man
Go Away, Come Closer: When What You Need the Most Is What You Fear the Most, a Book About Intimacy
