Amazon.com
The violent forms of child abuse that make headlines are not the only ones that leave lifelong scars. A child who grows up in an unstable environment where empathy, clear boundaries and trust are lacking, can end up living a ravaged adulthood. Children can be crippled by mixed messages, family secrets and reversed parent-child roles. Many victims of these practices are not even sure their childhood was abusive. This balanced, practical guide delineates traits of abusive families. Narrative vignettes in each section illustrate and personalize critical issues. Most valuable is the step-by-step self-help program that includes exercises and journal work for recovery.
Book Description
A history of a childhood abuse is not a life sentence. Here is hope, healing, and a chance to recover the self lost in childhood. Drawing on his extensive work with Adult Children, and on his own experience as a survivor of emotional neglect, therapist Steven Farmer demonstrates that through exercises and journal work, his program can help lead you through grieving your lost childhood, to become your own parent, and integrate the healing aspects of spiritual, physical, and emotional recovery into your adult life.
Customer Reviews:
Starts out great, then doesn't measure up........2007-05-13
I found that this book, although promising a fresh look at the age old problems of adult children of abuse, falls short in the long run. Adults who experienced abuse as children are usually well aware of that abuse. This book deals with uncovering the abuse, and then takes, in my opinion, controversial steps at therapy. Those steps include a "reconstruction of the past" in essence fabricating lies and letting those lies replace the truths of the abuse. I, for one, was looking for a way to defeat the anger I feel, not reconstruct my past into some idyllic existence. For me, living a lie where I remember parents who never existed would only be compounding the problem.
So, I cannot recommend this book as part of an affective regimen of therapy.
Adult Children of Abusive Parents.......2007-03-09
This book made me feel the pain of those who have suffered at the hands of abusive parents. It proved to be useful for my course project.
Healing Abuse.......2007-01-09
If you have been abused: sexually, mentally or verbally by a parent or guardian, and you are the walking "wounded", you need to read this book. It helps you to get past all that trauma, forgive that person and go on with your life. Forgiveness doesn't mean you'll ever forget, it means you let go. There's so much you can do on your own and this is a great start!!
Paula
Very Dissapointed with this book.......2006-11-03
I could not finish this book. In part one I kept reading about daughters being molested by their fathers and step-fathers -- it was too much.
book review.......2006-01-17
The book was informative and helpful. It gave me some real insight into helping my patients. I have also recommended the book to some of my patients.
Book Description
When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already praised by a diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its victims are male or female. Cook begins by examining the common misconceptions about this social issue and offers a wealth of what will be new information for most readers. While statistics show that 1.8 million American women are severely assaulted by their mates each year, few know that the same source indicates that 2 million men are also assaulted at home. After laying the groundwork for a serious reconsideration of how society views domestic violence, Cook allows a number of abused men to tell their stories. He then puts these experiences in the context of what therapists and others who have worked with such men know about domestic violence and how the male victim is similar to, yet different from, his female counterpart. After examining the reasons why so little is known about male abuse and the difficulties researchers encounter, Cook shows how the abused man, his friends and family, and the abusive or abused woman can come to grips with domestic violence. Drawing from a variety of sources, the final chapter brings these diverse elements together and proposes practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its victims are male or female.
Customer Reviews:
Balanced Picture of Domestic Violence on Both Sides.......2005-09-18
Author Phil Cook does and excellent job of documenting and presenting a logical case that Abused Men (and fathers and their children) by women is very real, large as life, often denied and usually very "hidden" - the proverbial elephant in your back yard. If you ignore and deny it, it won't matter, or "doesn't exist."
An extra pat on the back for the author on making his case for abused men while not discounting the seriousness of domestic violence (DV) against women, and without exaggerating the real amount of violence on either side. It would be fool-hardy to do the opposite, as many authors do, exposing their ignorance, bias, prejudice and even their own abusiveness to the victims of these sensitive issues, where revictimization often comes at the hands of "well-meaning" authors and officials. Though this book is 8 years old it is still very applicable today, as is the excellent and fairly well balanced 25 year old book, "Behind Closed Doors, Domestic Violence in the American Family," quoted by the author.
Had "Abused Men" been written today more could have been included to support the fact that male victims are beyond all doubt no less commonly (and severely) victimized as female victims, despite mis-drawn but often quoted conclusions from some not-so-balanced studies. Examples: The Department of Justice (DOJ) stats which the author quotes from the early 90's have since risen dramatically for male victims, as the eyes of some victim advocates are just starting to open. DOJ stats now concede that men comprise about 35% to 40% of all DV victims (a far shot from the then 8-15%), but closing the reality gap bit by bit. Most balanced and extensive studies reveal that younger women are up to twice as violent as younger men. Yes, this is the college- age crowd, from which come the very women who scream the loudest, but only about violence against women. Since publication of "Abused Men" even reluctant DHHS (Dept of Health and Human Svcs - along with Div of Child and Family Svcs/Child Protective Svcs) compiled stats showing that most DV against children is by biological moms (62%) while just 25% is by biological dads. One official from DHHS confirmed the validity of this report but wanted to explain that it was due to moms spending more time with the kids, and that most of it was from single moms who get little support from the absent fathers and are stressed out... So fathers really are important in decreasing child abuse and neglect, according this contradictory social worker who had earlier discounted the importance of fathers and showed her disdain for fathers (abuser suspects in her book) and belief that mothers were superior and the best single alternative for children... I asked her if her office didn't back the anti-DV mantra, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!" used by women's shelters and women's support agencies and groups her office associated with (Was she excusing, justifying abuse by women?). My observations were met with passive-aggressive rage. Studies now show that women as a whole gender are more often aggressive initiators, initiating about 62% of all physical DV, including events where the woman gets the worst of it in the end. A hospital ER study conducted in 2004 (inspired by another biased study that only questioned women...) revealed that the men (given the same questions as a women-only study) had received more injuries of a serious nature from their female intimates than the other way around. The list goes on...
As the author and others he quotes wisely point out, the reason police, DOJ and hospital reports of abused men is climbing (but not up to par yet) is not that women are becoming more and more violent, but only that violence BY women was ignored more in the past. Men are still told by many ER doctors that getting beat up is his own fault, while proper reports are not filed and police are not notified. What happened to their mantra they tell female victims in the same ER, "There's NO Excuse for Abuse!"? This is why the male ER study was very different than most ER stats on DV against men vs DV against women - the male patients in the study were actually allowed input which was reported on rather than the bias of doctors and nurses being the only report heard. Perhaps male doctors, police, judges etc are the most critical of male victims for daring to break the silence and not "take it like a man," thus another reason male victims often stay silent, except in balanced studies. You speak up, you get revictimized.
Thanks, Phil Cook, for showing that proper studies can be presented in a balanced way.
A crisis too long ignored.......2005-05-07
Society has come a long way, baby, in recognizing WOMEN'S domestic violence but has completely overlooked the plight of abused HUSBANDS. Where are THEIR shelters? Their support groups?
We still have the tendency to blow off abused men as "henpecked husbands" when the reality is far more critical and has already resulted in tragedy. Thank you, Mr. Cook, for bringing this issue into the light of day. Hopefully men will start coming out of the shadows and filing charges against their abusers so that everyone will see what they already know: THEY ARE VICTIMS. Domestic Violence is exactly that, and the victims' sex organs are irrelevant
An inspiring healing book.......2004-12-09
First I must address several grievous mistake in the review written by Detroit velvet. 1. This individual states that it is wrong to say more men than women are abused. That is grossly incorrect. Sociologists and scientists all over have stated time and again that indeed more men than women are abused. 2. This individual further implies that ALL MEN lie about being abused, while it is true that some men are abusive it is ludicrous to make the blanket statement that all men are abusive, thereby liars when caught claiming victimhood. What utter nonsense!
Detroit velvet is in dire need of a reality check. If the men who are abusive can lie claiming abuse then why is it so impossible to assume that women who claim abuse may in turn be lying and in fact are the abuser?
I have to wonder how many women have physically, and mentally abused their male partners then when the partner left claimed the role of the victim instead.
Men don't tell because they face monumental obstructions by authorities and peers. Mentalities such as 'men love it' or 'you deserved it' or 'you're lying' or 'you're such a whimp, suck it up'.
I was kid and had a girl friend who beat and belittled me then would come back claiming she was sorry and loved me so I took her back, time and again finally I had enough and left. She claimed abuse. I NEVER HIT A WOMAN IN MY LIFE - EVER!
Later I had another girl friend while not a hitter was very verbally abusive, after having enough I left, and then another and another, all angry and some hitters.
Then I met my wife, who was very much a hitter, and extremely emotionally abusive. Again I never raised a hand to her or any woman. After eleven years (and two children) of trying to make it work, hoping she would change, I couldn't take the depression and the abuse any more, I left. I have been in counseling since and trying to break the cycle of picking the SAME WOMAN over and over again.
This book is a real help and acknowledgement to those of us who to varying degrees have lived though abuse. I wish our anti male prejudiced media and society treated this abuse with equal concern and diligence as they do abused women and children.
Just a couple after notes here.
1. With all the press over abuse why is this segment so blatantly ignored?
2. If a man is bitter and prejudiced against women he is a chauvinist pig and a mental and social caveman. What then is a society that views a gender such as men the Detroit velvet and other like this individual, view them? Wow! Talk about hypocrisy!
Open your eyes and look at the entire picture of abuse........2003-12-27
Sorry to all the feminist apologists out there, but men *are* abused by their female lovers, and rarely do they defend themselves - because the odds are so incredibly stacked against them. A woman can always claim that her abuse was in self-defense, and 99 times out of 100 she will be believed, no question. And where exactly is a battered man to go? There is exactly one shelter for abused men, and it's targeted to gay men, and it's in San Francisco. I guess if your wife is battering you in Virginia, you're SOL.
I loathe the hypocrisy of the feminists who refuse to believe that women are capable of bad things - and when we do commit grievous bodily harm, assault, rape, or murder, it's not our fault. No, it's the husband, or the father, or the police, or someone (anyone) else. This book is one of the few that breaks the myth that women are the sole victims of domestic violence.
Intimate Violence: The Case of Abused Men.......2003-04-26
Philip Cook's Abused Men is well conceived, well documented, and well written; it is an excellent source book for both perpetrators and victims of domestic violence as well as for police officers, community leaders, health care providers, family therapists, crisis-line workers, and other helping professionals. Another positive aspect of this book is Cook's ability to make research findings on male abuse and its consequences accessible and understandable for readers new to the field of domestic violence. The book can serve as an eye opener about the factions, disagreements, and controversy that are part of the issue of domestic violence.
Eugen Lupri, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus of Sociology
The University of Calgary
Calgary, Alberta
Canada
Average customer rating:
- Warning Before reading put on your hater blockers!!!
- The King of Urban Street...HANDS DOWN!
- Loved It!
- street dream are made of these......
- STREET DREAMS CAN COME TRUE
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Street Dreams
K'wan
Manufacturer: St. Martin's Griffin
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback
 Contemporary
| General
| Literature & Fiction
| Subjects
| Books
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ASIN: 0312333064
Release Date: 2004-08-26 |
Book Description
Love, Betrayal and Loyalty on the Streets of HarlemDaruis, a.k.a. Rio, the only child of a singer turned alcoholic, feels he has nothing to hold on to except the idea of escaping the ghetto. Years ago, he took a gun charge for a friend and did some prison time. Unable to find a job when he gets out, Rio turns to hustling as a way out. In the meantime, Rio finds escape in the arms of his soulmate, Trinity.When Trinity's mother died, her abusive father looks to her to play the role of house wife and bedmate. Trinity finds strength to endure in Rio's arms. Together they vow to do whatever it takes to make it out of the ghetto. But soon they find their backs against the wall when the streets come to claim their due.
Customer Reviews:
Warning Before reading put on your hater blockers!!!.......2007-07-16
This book was a great Read you have to love Trinity and Rio's relationship. The thing is that get's me is why didn't she and Rio move together instead of enduring years of her Father's sexual abuse? The Haters are coming at Rio and Trinity from everywhere I swear I got dizzy reading this story. This book was an over all great read but I don't know if I'll read another one of this author's book, it was way too emotional for me.
The King of Urban Street...HANDS DOWN!.......2007-07-01
This is my second read by K'wan and once again I was not disappointed! Kwan draws you in with his colorful characters and doesn't let you go until the last page. Street Dreams is about guy name Rio from the projects who starts off being just nickel and dime dealer from around the way, but when he's approached by Prince, the king of the streets..Rio's lifestyle quickly starts to change for the good for him. But when Prince's oldest son, Truck is released from prison all hell breaks loose out of jealousy.
I instantly fell in love with Trinity(Rio's girlfriend), Shamel(his longtime childhood friend), Sally(his Mom) and Cutty(another one of his friends). Street Dreams is by far one of the BEST books I've read in a long time! K'wan keeps you on the edge of your seat chapter after chapter and snatches your breath away at the very end!
Street Dreams is HIGHLY recommended for readers who love drama, suspense, action, love and edge of the seat writing all in one! (Hoodrat by him also comes HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!)
Keep'em coming K'wan!!!
Loved It!.......2007-06-20
Great book, page turner Rio and Trinity are two people from the projects in love and trying hard not to let their surroundings define them. Although Rio tries to live the life of the straight and narrow, circumstances lead him to the streets. He vows to protect Trinity by any means necessary. Shamel, Rio's childhood friend, exhibits his loyalty to both Rio and Trinity to the end. You must read this book it a go getter! HOT
street dream are made of these.............2007-01-20
who am i 2 disagree.... but yall know how it go. this book was my first from k'wan. i truly enjoyed it. its on some romeo and juliet type feeling but hood. this book made me cry because we all have dreams of getting out the ghetto but its always something holding us back from our dreams... rio and trinity were so close but.... you gotta read the book
STREET DREAMS CAN COME TRUE.......2006-12-12
Trinity and Rio. I'm quite sure growing up in the hood you come across couples similiar to them, if not read the book to find out more about them. It's clear Street Dreams is a fast paced, page turning novel you can't put down.
Book Description
Millions of women each year find themselves in relationships with controlling or abusive partners and don't know what to do, or even what's wrong. A woman may feel anxious, inadequate, intimidated -- and as if she is walking on tiptoe. And she may find herself trying harder and harder to make things right without ever being successful. Ann Jones and Susan Schechter bring together their more than fifteen years of experience working with women in abusive relationships to offer an eyeopening new analysis of controlling partners and a wealth of empowering information for women who want to change their lives for the better. Full of moving first-person stories, When Love Goes Wrong shows women what their options are in or out of the relationship, provides concrete guidance on finding safety and support for themselves and their children, and includes a comprehensive list of agencies offering information or assistance.
Customer Reviews:
Very Helpful.......2007-09-13
This book helped me to identify the fact that I was being abused by my boyfriend. It also helped give me the strength and courage to leave. I highly recommend this book.
An uncommonly thorough and easy to use guide.......2006-06-27
I went to the bookstore tonight to find a book to help answer the question: What do you do when you have been close to a truly brilliant, good, & decent person, and they communicate to you in clear terms they will be happier if you go away and stop interacting with them? You see, I grew with a single parent. I lived with the parent who was left by my other parent. The trouble was, both of my parents were brilliant, good & decent people. Both of them were strong willed. One of them decided they would be happier if they had very little to do with the other. It would have been easier, or understandable if the person who abandoned the other had been a lousy person, but they weren't. So if anybody has a book that helps a person cope with that issue, please email me and let me know.
Like many children in that circumstance, my solution was to concede that I couldn't take one side (See Spielberg's Catch Me If You Can). Children tend to have the naivete, intelligence, and/or resolve to learn to love both. But that did not solve their direct relations, and I'm still trying to improve their rapport.
So while I couldn't find a book that helped address my question, I did find this good book near the "Dealing with Grief, Divorce, & Loss" section: When Love Goes Wrong. I recommend it to anyone who is dealing with a dysfunctional relationship, whether personally or with a friend. It does an uncommonly thorough job of helping an untrained person identify the abusive or controlling aspects of their primary relationships.
This book is not just for abused women. It can help any person identify the controlling behaviors in themselves and others. Recognizing those habits is useful to anyone. It includes extensive checklists that offer practical analysis of behavior patterns and motivations. The advice given appears to be educated & experienced. It also attempts to deal with misconceptions & myths. While it is far easier to identify the controlling behaviors in others, this book is exceptional because it helps us see them in ourselves.
It is an easy book to scan and find what you might be interested in. It is organized and labeled exceptionally well.
This book is not filled with cliches. It understands that abusive habits are just part of the person. This book does not assume that abusive relationships should break up. The first emphasis in the book is: Can the people change the abusive or controlling parts of themselves or not? And how do you encourage and enable those changes?
The book does not deal well with one large, practical question for the couples it targets: How do the couples use non-abusive and non-controlling techniques to still negotiate solutions that meet more of both of their interests? Finding good answers to that vital question will need to be found in other books. But don't let that keep you from scanning this book, because this book still focuses exceptionally well on an often neglected, but beneficial part of the process.
Useful for friends of abused women.......2003-11-07
This review is from the point of view of someone who has a friend in an emotionally abusive relationship. I found this book extremely helpful. It provides insights into what goes on in abusive relationships and it helps to answer the big question you've been asking: why does she stay? It has a chapter specifically for friends and family of victims suggesting how to help, what to ask, and how to react if an abused woman confides in you. I wish I'd read this book *before* that happened to me! I could have avoided some mistakes.
The book also includes practical (not rosy) descriptions of what abused women can expect if they file for a restraining order, stay at a shelter, bring in the police, etc. There's also advice on choosing the right person to confide in, the right counsellor, and the right advocate.
If you have (or suspect you have) a physically or emotionally abused friend or relative, you owe it to yourself and to her to read this book.
IF you only buy 1 book this year buy this one........2003-09-06
I read this book in 1994. It was the best book that I have ever read. I was in a horrible controlling marriage, and this book let me know that I was not always wrong. He was. I got the divorce in 1995, and if it was not for this book I dont know where I would be. I was told so many times that I was stupid, that I started to believe it. If any of you are having problems with a controlling abusive (mentally or physically) relationship, read this book. It saved my life.
I am a totally different person, happy, outgoing and I am not afraid to speak my mind.
This book is saving my sanity if not my life!.......2001-01-02
This book is wonderful, since it finally pointed out all of my feelings of hopelessness and confusion where I wasn't sure where it was coming from. All my excuses for staying with my abusive partner are in this book, and when I finally got too overwhelmed with the beginning of the book, I jumped ahead to the "When You Choose To Leave" because I just left him again almost a month ago. (You can easily jump around in this book and not feel like you've missed something.) I'm hoping that this book will help pull me through the tough times and give me enough courage to seek professional help for what he's done to me. So far I can't talk about it to more than a few people, because I feel ashamed, but I also feel hope, because if the women in this book could get their lives together in worse situations than mine, then so can I! Also, it gives great advice on where to find housing and financial help if you need it. I wasn't even sure what questions to ask in applying for assistance, but I just went back to the book, and it explained it out for me, and that gave me the courage to make a few more phone calls and figure the system out. What I've learned, sadly, is that although I'm not alone, I'm also in good company with beautiful human spirits.
Book Description
For millions of men on the path to recovery, Victims No Longer is the next step.
The first book written specifically for men, Victims No Longer examines the changing cultural attitudes toward male survivors of incest and other sexual trauma. Now, in this Second Edition, this invaluable resource continues to offer compassionate and practical advice, supported by personal anecdotes and statements of male survivors. Victims No Longer helps survivors to:
- Identify and validate their childhood experiences
- Explore strategies of survival and healing
- Work through issues such as trust, intimacy, and sexual confusion
- Establish a support network for continued personal recovery
- Make choices that aren't determined by abuse
Psychotherapist Mike Lew has worked with thousands of men and women in their healing from the effects of childhood sexual abuse, rape, physical violence, emotional abuse, and neglect. The development of strategies for recovery from incest and other abuse, particularly for men, has been a major focus of his work as a counselor and group leader.
Thoroughly updated and revised, and including an expanded Resources section, Victims No Longer educates survivors and professionals about the recovery process -- speaking to the pain, needs, fears, and hopes of the adult male survivor.
Customer Reviews:
Victims No Longer.......2007-09-29
This is an excellent, straight-forward, sensitive book that deals with a topic that is difficult. It is written so that it can be easily understood and is incredibly helpful to victims as well as therapists who treat them. The author validates the victim's world and encourages the victim to get help and talks about the many males who have survived and are healing.
Long-But has good info/advice.......2007-08-25
As a spouse of a survivor, I read this book which also offered advice to partners and spouses. This book gave way too many examples and other info for the first 4 chapters. Most of us already have an idea of what sexual abuse against boys can entail, there were just way too many stories of survivors that were disturbing and difficult to read. It did however give important insight and ways to get help and help yourself but it came along with a lot of unneeded information. If you have the time and patience it is a good tool towards recovery.
Awesome read.......2007-08-24
I gave this wonderful book to my husband who is in recovery from childhood sexual abuse by his father. He cried and read , cried and read from start to finish. The book is empowering, healing and filled with truth that heals. I recommend it as an essential read for those in recovery and for those who love them. Kate
Victims No Longer.......2007-01-23
This is an excellent book. I am a counselor and the issues addressed regarding male child sexual abuse are so important. So many males have been molested and/or incested and carry shame, so that they, perhaps more than females, do not report it. Yet, these unresolved issues carry into adult sexual and friendship relationships until they are healed. I bought a copy for myself to use clinically and one for a friend who is a survivor of incest.
Absolutely Recommended.......2006-03-11
This book is a great resource for clinicians, survivors, and anyone who knows a survivor.
Average customer rating:
- Excellent content, professional; easy to find info
- How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before you get Involvd
- eye opener
- Yikes! I'm so glad I read this book!
- "Truth is light"
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How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved: Describes 8 Types of Dangerous Men, Gives Defense Strategies and a Red Alert Checklist for Each, and Includes Stories of Successes and Failures
Sandra L. Brown
Manufacturer: Hunter House
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback
Domestic Violence
| Abuse & Self Defense
| Mental Health
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
| Books
Self Defense
| Abuse & Self Defense
| Mental Health
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
| Books
Sexual Abuse
| Abuse & Self Defense
| Mental Health
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
| Books
Interpersonal Relations
| Relationships
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
| Books
Dating
| Relationships
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
| Books
General
| Self-Help
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
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ASIN: 0897934474 |
Book Description
What is a dangerous man? Most women would answer: one who is physically violent. But abusive behavior is often more insidious. Men who want mothers, not partners, who prey on lonely, passive women, who are mentally ill, addicted, or emotionally unavailable, or who won't go away when asked to leave all fall into this dangerous category. In this book women are encouraged to take responsibility for their own safety, are shown how to choose men wisely, and learn how not to make the same mistake twice. Thirteen chapters cover all the red flags of a dangerous man, offer stories of women's successes and failures dealing with each type, and provide safe ways to get out of a hazardous relationship. Armed with this valuable information, women have the tools they need to cultivate positive and healthy relationships with men.
Customer Reviews:
Excellent content, professional; easy to find info.......2007-07-14
Wish this book was out years ago! Very good regarding subtle signs (as well as obvious) early in the relationship. Love the Red Alert Checklists.
This is NOT a "man bashing" book, the author invites us to look at ourselves as well. Describes some behaviors that women may have that attract a dangerous man.
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before you get Involvd.......2007-05-26
This book showed me what I was doing wrong, and it enabled to to avoid other dangerous men - it greatly changed my life. Thanks!
eye opener.......2007-05-19
Sometimes we avoid stress by keeping ourself in the dark....however learn that it takes more energy to move around in the dark than the light. The more we know, the brighter the light...the brighter the light the easier it is not to trip on the trash on the floor. The men have issues...we may as gentle women learn to forgive them spiritually, however their behavior is "Trash" and they are acting as if they do not understand the word "Respect"...they don't. The sad part is...the absolute saddest part is...they don't get it....and you cannot teach a person to have a conscious...reading this book helps the light become bright and your life to be easier rather than more stressful. Once you read this you can identify it is "them" with the problem...and your only problem was "Believing in them" and taking their lies for truth. This book does uncover hurtful truths...however a truth is a truth and is there whether you want to believe it or not.
Yikes! I'm so glad I read this book!.......2007-03-07
If you've ever wondered if you're the "crazy one," or why you seem to attract losers, this is a very insightful book.
This book opened my eyes to what a bad situation I was in, and just how bad it could end up. I always suspected that some of the guys I've dated had mental problems but would talk myself out of it. Now I see how important it is to trust these initial red flags and uneasy feelings. Even if your guy is not pathological, if you've got red flags and discomfort, this book wisely advises you to get out fast and why. The unfortunate thing about these dangerous men is that they are so charming, affectionate, intelligent, and desirable at first, that you are long-since hooked before the creep in them emerges. This book gives practical advice for how to recognize potential issues before you're hooked and his personality has changed.
For anyone who's skeptical, no, I did not think this was a male-bashing book or "any guy could fit into those categories." Not so. It even gives a list of traits to look for when analyzing whether yours is a healthy or unhealthy relationship.
It's a quick read and well worth it.
"Truth is light".......2007-01-28
How to Spot a Dangerous Man is a compelling, forthright, no non-sense book which will help the open-minded reader face her relationship/insecurity (among other things) demons. Ms. Brown not only discusses the how's, the why's, but offers insight on how to stop the madness. I just purchased four additional copies to pass on to my daughters and the workbook for myself.
The fact that professional women, older women, previously hurt women are continually falling for dangerous men is eye-opening. The facts are not to be ignored; IF, you want to do something different.
I highly recommend this book for ALL women; young and old.
Amazon.com
When Men Batter Women: New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships by Neil Jacobson and John Gottman, is based on a decade of research with more than 200 couples in dangerous relationships. Jacobson and Gottman, professors at the University of Washington, use their work to shatter myths and shed new light on abusive relationships.
They introduce two types of batterers: Cobras and Pit Bulls. The Cobras, the more severely violent of the two, strike swiftly and ferociously, always remaining in control and feeling entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. Pit Bulls are more likely to lose control, letting their emotions burn slowly until they explode in anger. The research is brought to life with stories of real couples such as George and Vicky. We see the few months of happiness in their marriage before George's Cobra-like outbursts begin, and witness Vicky's desire to make their failing relationship work.
Research results and advice are woven throughout such accounts of how real people handled their situations. The authors address the many dangers of leaving an abusive spouse and the importance of forming a safety plan before doing so. Jacobson and Gottman do not come to optimistic conclusions about the ability to stop domestic violence or reform abusive men, but they are optimistic about the women. Their studies follow many women such as Vicky who ultimately left and began the difficult and courageous work of converting nightmares into dreams. --Amy Sessler
Book Description
While national awareness of the issue of battering has increased in recent years, certain myths regarding abusive relationships still endure, including the idea that all batterers are alike. But as Neil S. Jacobson, Ph.D., and John Gottman, Ph.D., explain, this is not the case. Drawing on the authors' own research, When Men Batter Women offers a significant breakthrough in our understanding of the men who become batterers—and how to put a stop to the cycle of relationship violence.
After their decade of research with more than 200 couples, the authors conclude that not all batterers are alike, nor is the progression of their violence always predictable. But they have found that batterers tend to fall into one of two categories, which they call "Pit Bulls" and "Cobras." Pit Bulls, men whose emotions quickly boil over, are driven by deep insecurity and an unhealthy dependence on the mates whom they abuse. Pit Bulls also tend to become stalkers, unable to let go of relationships that have ended.
Cobras, on the other hand, are cool and methodical as they inflict pain and humiliation on their spouses or lovers; in one chilling discovery, the authors found that during violent arguments and physical beatings the heart rate of Cobras actually declines. Cobras have often been physically or sexually abused themselves, frequently in childhood, and tend to see violence as an unavoidable part of life.
Knowing which type a batterer is can be crucial to gauging whether an abusive relationship is salvageable (Pit Bulls can sometimes be helped through therapy) or whether the situation is beyond repair. Using the stories of several couples in their study, Jacobson and Gottman look at the dynamics of abusive relationships, refuting prevalent myths ("battering often stops on its own" or "battered women could stop the battering by changing their own behavior"). Never underestimating the inherent risk or danger involved, the authors discuss how women in their study group prepared themselves to leave an abusive relationship, where a battered woman can get help, and how she can keep herself safe.
Written with compassion and insight, When Men Batter Women offers invaluable advice and support to women in abusive relationships, as well as to friends, relatives, and caregivers who want to help.
Customer Reviews:
Wary of the negative reviews.......2006-08-23
I found this book to be both scholarly and highly scientific in its methods..the few people I know that haven't liked it are, unfortunately batterers or victims in denial. Judge for yourself.
Interesting to me is that victims of emotional/verbal/physical abuse find the book informative and accurate; as a survivor I have to agree. If you or someone you love is living the hell of abuse, get this book, read it and give them a copy. It will give you the information and courage to understand and stop the abuse.
The authors' criticism of the Justice System is dead-on and brings to light the paradox of a system that claims to hold "family values" in high regard but virtually abandons the abused via red-tape, legal witchery and downright cowardice.
Written for Men by Men?.......2004-11-22
Advice to women by men on battering doesn't exactly make good sense since few men have lived the lives of oppression that women live when subjected to abusive relationships, and couldn't possibly relate in a meaningful way. Simply being human isn't enough to observe characteristics meaningful to the opposite sex - rather like a woman trying to provide a role model for male children on how to be males. It's comforting to know that all battering falls into two predominant types, however, using dog types as the analogy. I wonder whether many breeds of dog justfies the categorization. It's possible that characterized all males as forms of dog breeds might be more accurate to characterize their personality, being the territorial animals they are, even when they are neutered.
Survivors find it helpful as do students of psychology.......2003-10-04
I happened to have met Dr. Jacobson at his lecture for this book a year before he died. It was fascinating the research he and Dr. Gottman did. I was so mesmerized by it that I used references from the lecture and book in my thesis. My thesis is now published in my book entitled Absent Hearts, Missing Pieces which can be found here at Amazon.com as well. I am a survivor of over 20 years. But don't listen to me. Go to my website called Artemis: A Site for Survivors of Domestic Violence and ask the women there. survivorsofdv.website-works.com Many times this book has been brought up as a topic on the message board. Survivors can relate and appreciate some validation of what their batterer was. Perhaps there is more to this than two categories of Cobra and Pit Bull, but it is a start in unlocking the mind of the batterer. And when we can do this, we can begin to start producing comprehensive treatment programs. Hmmm. Probably like the one I mention in my thesis. Hint hint...
Whew - Were They For Real.......2002-10-30
This is perhaps one of the worst excuses for a scholarly text that I have ever encountered. The text fell significantly short of presenting disciplined research based conclusions regarding Domestic Violence. Rather, it presented a highly opinionated and politically correct rhetorical approach to the topic.
The distinction between Pits Bulls and Cobras was intriguing but only after one was able to overcome these extremely insulting and derogatory classifications.
Perhaps the worst part of this text was the meritless and unsubstantiated indictment of the Criminal Justice System. This system has literally bent over backwards to appropriately respond to situations of Domestic Violence. Often to the level where they are being accused as over reactionary.
Lastly, this text further separates and alienates those who stand on either side of this issue. It paints a bleak and almost hopeless possibility of fashioning a socially responsible response to a grave sociological reality.
Simplistic View of Abusive Men.......2001-02-05
This book provided little insight into abusive men in my opinion. The classifications were weak, and it had the reading quality of a children's book. Other books such as those by Donald Dutton (just to name one!) provide actually substantive information regarding domestic violence. This book should only be purchased after reading all other books concerning domestic and intimate violence; the price of this book is too much for the quality of inforamtion learned.
Book Description
DOES YOUR PARTNER . . .
* have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
* become jealous without reason?
* prevent you from seeing friends and family?
* deny you access to family assets such as bank accounts, credit cards, or the car?
* control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
* insult you or call you derogatory names?
* humiliate you in front of your children?
* turn minor incidents into major arguments?
If you or someone you know can answer "yes" to the questions above, chances are you are suffering from nonphysical battering--controlling, tyrannical behavior that is just as damaging to a woman's self-esteem as a broken bone or a black eye. An experienced counselor who works with abused women, Mary Susan Miller breaks the silence that surrounds this devastating form of domestic violence. She identifies the many types of nonphysical abuse verbal, emotional, psychological, social, and economic--and explores why this outrageous treatment of women continues unabated in our society.
Dr. Miller also shares the stories of many survivors who have escaped their abusive relationships. Their experiences--with law enforcement, the legal system, and the community itself--can help prepare any woman for the decision of whether to stay or leave the relationship. And if she decides to go, Dr. Miller offers sound guidelines on how to protect herself and her children, since a woman's decision to leave is usually the time she is in the most danger from her abuser.
Finally, Dr. Miller inspires hope: You can break free of the nightmare of nonphysical battering and heal, once again engaging in a life of integrity, dignity, and peace.
Customer Reviews:
An awesome book shining light on a pervasive problem, that also provides hope.......2007-10-12
Even if you, as a woman, have not been personally affected by verbal and emotional abuse, surely you know of a woman who has been, or is currently being harmed.
I am so grateful for having found this book, as it is extremely enlightening on many levels.The problem of emotional, mental, and verbal abuse in relationships, men controlling and demeaning women, is too common in our society, as well as all over the world.
Dr. Miller's work as an assistant in Family Court,aiding and counseling abused women, has given her a deep understanding of how the abuser operates. She delves deeply into the tactics he often uses, such as isolation from friends and family, name-calling meant to erode self-esteem, the playing of mind games, economic control, etc.
Miller not only names the problem, but provides informed advice for those women hoping or planning to leave their abuser.
She stresses the importance of obtaining counseling, which can help break through the wall of denial a victim experiences, plus provide comfort, relief, and help point out options the victim may be unaware of.
The book points out the many pitfalls a woman may experience as she fights her way out of her situation. There are police officers who may side with the abuser, as well as the fact that few judges will impose a jail sentence for non-physical abuse.
Yet, there are glimmers of change in society. Dr. Miller writes of programs such as EMERGE, the first men's group for batterers, which opened in 1977, at the urging of local women's shelters.
While we're not there yet, Dr. Miller hopes for a day when programs begin to address non-physical abuse with the concern they express over violence today. This could lead to minimizing the physical abuse to which it inevitably escalates.
This book has a thorough listing of resources and help lines for abused women, as well as an excellent index.
I believe this book should be required reading for students, male and female, while in middle school. The awareness that it brings might spare many people untold grief in their romantic relationships.
Dr. Miller is to be highly commended for this vital resource on this unpleasant, shameful subject which needs more exposure in our society. Wish I could give it ten stars!
Enlightening.......2007-04-01
I was given this book about one year before I actually dug it out of the box I'd stuck it in and read it...someone suggested I highlight anything that might ring familiar...suffice it to say, most the book's passages are now bright yellow...Dr. Miller's insights into the abuser and the survivor's experiences - and her profound understanding of "covert" emotional/verbal abuse, brainwashing, "crazy-making," etc. were comforting and enlightening and somewhat painful...especially to a girl who had just broken free and remained in denial...I recommend this book to anyone who feels that they are being controlled, manipulated, and/or abused in any way. If nothing else, you will come to know that you are not alone - and in time - you will find strength and courage in the truths that Dr. Miller offers...
It is time that emotional abuse comes out of the closet........2007-01-21
I was married to an emotional, physcological and financial abuser. Reading this book helped me understand his motivations and my responses in a way that counseling did not. For years I could not understand why he did the things he did, but this book helped me see things in a different way and I was able to get some closure. The last chapter made me cry. Finally someone other than my therapist understood my feelings, what I went through and was now experiencing, after the marriage had ended. This is a must read for women who have lived with abuse and their friends and family. If you have never been in an abusive relationship, believe me, you cannot understand what it is like. This book will give you great insight into what your friend or family member is experiencing. I applaud Ms. Miller for wanting raise the awareness level of the damage and pervasiveness of emotional abuse. That is the first step towards stopping it.
Not Sure . . ........2006-07-15
I'm no expert on the subject, but I wonder how objective this book can be having been written by a woman. Don't misunderstand, I certainly believe psychological abuse is real; however, it could be somewhat tenuous depending on the very gender that receives the abuse to determine the definition of the behaviour.
At last someone looks at the psychological aspect of abuse.......2005-08-03
This book makes apparent what those in charge of prison camps have known all along. Psychological abuse is more debilitating than physical abuse. If you even think you are in an abusive relationship or if you feel you have an adult child in one, read this book. It won't make it all go away but understanding is the first step to healing.
Book Description
There's nothing as wonderful as starting to heal, waking up in the morning and knowing that nobody can hurt you if you don't let them.
Beginning to Heal offers hope and guidance for all survivors starting the healing journey. No matter how great your pain today, you can not only heal but thrive. Based on the authors' bestseller The Courage to Heal, this Revised Edition of Beginning to Heal takes you through the key stages of the healing process, from crisis times to breaking the silence, grief, and anger, to resolution and moving on. It includes inspirational highlights, clear explanations, practical suggestions, and compelling accounts of survivors' pain, their strength, and their triumphs.
Customer Reviews:
Short but to the point - a useful gift.......2007-08-30
This book is aimed at people who were sexually abused as children and are avoiding the subject of their past or don't think it is relevant to their problems of the present. If you care about someone who is clearly failing to cope with life in general, and you believe they have been abused, then this book makes an excellent gift. It is delicate and offers examples to introduce the topic. It is surprisingly compact, with a fairly simple message, that will hopefully lead to empowerment to take the next step.
Out of the pile of books I purchased to educate myself and give to my survivor friend, this book was the one I chose to give her first. It is thin and short, so hopefully it won't frighten her off reading it. I was quite nervous about giving it to her, but it was appreciated. She didn't think it would be helpful though and I haven't convinced her to open it quite yet. I know it is what she needs to do. Being light on the details, it will need to be replaced with something heavier down the track. If we get to that point it will have been *so* worth it!
A Review of the Basics.......2007-08-14
This book is a very good review for your self of esteem at this diffucult time in your life. It's very easy to read and its not too long either. Personally, for me I thought it was too basic. I need more help than it gave. I need more to do with what happens in adult hood to help you get over or deal with what happend when you were a little younger. Like preteen. This book focuses on children that were abused and not preteens.
Beginning to heal.......2006-07-06
An excellent book for survivors who are starting to deal with the effects of childhood sexual abbuse.
A perfect prelude to the comprehensive extension "the courage to heal"
Much Needed.......2005-02-03
Like their other book, "Courage To Heal", this book is a must read for those in the abused community. It will help you to understand so much of what goes on inside the minds of those that have been abused. A Book that should be read by everyone, abused or not. Prevalant information and help, as well as inspirational.
other good reads are: Courage To Heal and Nightmares Echo
Book Description
Wounded Boys Heroic Men is a workbook for transformation. Specifically written for and about men. This is the first book to address their issues of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. Dr. Daniel Sonkin carefully prepares a road map for the recovery process, including insightful stories of real survivors, as well as direction and reassurance.
More important, this unique book provides hope, relief, and comfort for millions of victims too proud to explore their suffering. Carefully analyzing the feelings, attitudes, and behaviors of abused men. Dr. Sonkin teaches methods that break the vicious cycle of violence, make peace with the abuser, and in return find peace within.
Comprehensive and enlightening, Wounded Boys Heroic Men is also a guide to help partners, friends, and family members better understand the struggles these men face, so that they can support the healing journey. Dr. Sonkin's message is simple: With help, healing is possible.
Customer Reviews:
Men healing themselves from within.......2007-02-08
I would recommend this book for men who still have the emotional scares, the resentments, child abuse issues from our childhood holding us back from achieving happiness and serenity. We can become heroes, over come addictions, free ourselves from the bonds of our pain once and for all.
Far from the best of its type.......2006-10-26
Of the growing number of books about male sexual abuse, this one rates just mediocre. The author seems to believe that abused men all grow up to be abusive, especially toward women. He ignores female abusers and the special issues of gay men. I'd recommend one of the better books in this area, especially Gartner's Beyond Betrayal or Betrayed as Boys, but also Lew's Victims No Longer and Hunter's Abused Boys. Also, Moran's The Tricky Part is a great memoir
Clarification to comments by "Ken".......2006-07-28
The section of the book that the reviewer is referring to is a quote from a member of my men's group, and not about myself. However, it is important that readers understand that for many different reasons, people are unable to face the realities of their abuse and as a result may inadvertently put loved ones at risk. This is unfortunately an all-to-common consequence of all forms of child maltreatment. It is not constructive to judge their actions in the past, but to help them change for the present and future. What was important for this particular man, was that he did ultimately face his problems and heal not only his own wounds, but his relationship with his son. He struggled for many years and his hard work ultimately paid off. Today, he has a wonderful relationship with his son and his new grandchildren.
Don't waste your time.......2006-05-15
Dan Jay Sonkin Ph.D should not be trying to guide adult males of childhood abuse. I purchased this book thinking "finally a book written for men that would be a perfect guide to self help". I made it to page 38 when I realized that this Ph.D should not be trying to write anything but his resignation in his trade. Dr. Sonkin betrayed his son by permitting a man who abused him as a child, to become close to his son. On page 38 Dr. Sonkin own admission was that he never told his wife, or anyone else for that matter that he was abused sexually by his uncle. In Dr. Sonkin's stupidity he permitted a sexual predator (his Uncle) to become close to his son, and of course his son was also sexually abused by the same uncle. I am surprised that Dr. Sonkins wife didn't divorce him; and I am amazed that he can look his son in the eyes. Dr. Sonkin didn't have the courage to stand up to his Uncle like a grown adult male, he didn't have the courage to tell his wife what his uncle did to him as a child, and instead he was a coward that cost his son his innocence. Hang it up Doc, how dare you try to guide other men, when you can't even guide yourself.
Touchie Feelie Sham.......2004-06-22
Typical California feel good self-help schlok. Blaming the victim for not getting in touch with his feelings earlier (and of course not paying someone like Sonkin to "help"). Generally muddled pablum.
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