The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond

Amazon.com

Are you now, or have you ever been, in relationships with family, friends, or mates who have been verbally abusive? Is your happiness with someone you love continually threatened by interactions that continually undermine your self-esteem? Do you feel trapped in a relationship that keeps decaying in a downward spiral of overt or passive-aggressive abuse?

If so, this book could be your life raft, either carrying you toward repair of the existing relationship or the effects of past relationships or offering liberation from your current confusion. Its practical approach can help clear your head and possibly change your life. The only criticism that I and other readers have is that the author assumes verbal abuse is almost always directed by males toward females, which, in my experience and that of others I know, is not necessarily the case. Highly Recommended.

Book Description

If you or someone you know answers "yes" to one or more of the following questions, this book is required reading:

Does your partner seem irritated or angry at you several times a week?
Does he deny being angry when he clearly is?
Do your attempts to discuss feelings of pain or emotional distress leave you with the feeling that the issue has not been resolved?
Do you frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses, as though you were each speaking a different language?

Almost everyone has heard of or knows someone who is part of a verbally abusive relationship-if they're not involved in one themselves. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll find validation and understanding-it's "not all in your head"-and encouragement for your efforts to change the situation. In this expanded second edition, author Patricia Evans explores the damaging effects of verbal abuse on children and the family, and offers valuable insight and recommendations to therapists, as well as those who seek therapeutic support.

Customer Reviews:

What a horrible piece of bitterness.......2007-09-22

I read this entire book at my wife's request - but the book was thrown against the wall more than once. I guess if you listen to this pompous and self-righteous author, that makes me an abuser. Of course, her main point was that if I am a man, I am an abuser. You could hear the bitterness of her probably coming from a bad relationship.

Of course women love this book. According to his author, a women is not responsible for her own happiness, her husband is. You don't have to get very far into the book to see her ridiculous list of things that identify an abusive husband - she's not happy, she doesn't feel understood, she is confused, her husband gets angry, her husband doesn't tell her his feelings, her husband tells her his feelings.

Then you go on to some more indicators. What "red flags" should a woman look for to call her husband an abuser? If he brings her gifts, if he takes her to a nice restaraunt, if he says he loves her, if he doesn't understand her, if she doesn't understand him, if he talks to her, if he doesn't talk to her, if he asks her if everything is OK, if he pays too much attention to her, if he doesn't pay enough attention to her.

Then this author goes on with the feel-good psycho-babble. If you feel it - it is true. Do you feel alone - you have been abandoned. Do you feel sad - you are abused. Do you feel like you don't understand your husband - you are being deceived.

How did she get the information for this book? By talking to women - only women. Not one single man. She didn't determine if what the woman was telling her was accurate or a complete fictional account. Why wouldn't she talk to men? Because we're all abusers - why would she waste her time talking to any of us. This bitter lady is a certified man-hater and it appears to be her goal in life to break up as many marriages as possible.

She offers about 3 pages on how to keep a relationship together - but not before telling the woman that the only real solution is to leave your husband if he is an abuser - and we're all abusers. She goes on and on about how there is almost no chance whatsoever salvaging a marriage, so you might as well divorce your husband and live alone for the rest of your life.

This is a horrible hate-filled book and it saddens me how many marriages this bitter woman will destroy.

Finally.......2007-09-11

My daughter said, "How does one study verbal abuse? The abuser denies it". So, this book is soooo helpful in describing the situation. Finally, someone understands! The author puts into words experiences so many have, yet cannot share. Not being able to share and be understood is a prison to the soul. The author also has some answers, and I'm sure more will come, even from the reader! If you think you're crazy, the "only one" who is unable to relate to your spouse, or a failure as a woman/spouse, a must read!

Relationship analysis.......2007-08-30

This book is very "text bookish" and I feel it would be beneficial to have written this book as more of a story line and not so much repetition. I was hopefull that Patricia could have focused more on the "abuser" becoming less abusive and more cooperative with his mate. I do like the short questionares she recommends to take to determine an abusive status in a relationship. There is truely much to gain by this book, but I feel a more personable approach would have been better.

This Book Saved My Life...........2007-08-12

With friends and family trying to convince me to stay with my husband...because he was the life of the party, so sweet and kind to them, and because I would be homeless and penniless if I left...
This book saved my life. I went from a "full-of-life" woman to a weak and depressed shell-of-a-person. I was so sad and exhausted from his verbal abuse that I didn't want to go on living.
So here I am, homeless and penniless..with nothing but the clothes on my back and Patrica's book under my arm. At least I know I am not crazy and that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
With all my heart...thank you.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse.......2007-08-10

Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Average customer rating:

Highly recommend it
great information
This Book Explained SO MUCH about abusive relationships
I don't understand why he treats me this way. He say he loves me.
important information for victims and advocates

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Lundy Bancroft
Manufacturer: Berkley Trade
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0425191656
Release Date: 2003-09-02

Book Description

"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

Â€ The early warning signs
Â€ Nine abusive personality types
Â€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
Â€ The role of drugs and alcohol
Â€ What can be fixed, and what can't
Â€ How to leave a relationship safely

Customer Reviews:

Highly recommend it.......2007-10-13

I highly recommend this book, because the author makes it easy to understand the complex and painful dynamics of abusive relationships. Whether you personally have experienced one or more styles of abuse or are just curious about the subject, this book is the most informative and the best written one I have read.

I found this book by chance and the outcome makes me feel lucky.

great information.......2007-10-12

If this information sounds even a little familiar, run as far & as fast as you can. It has nothing to do with you & he will never change. There is nothing you can do that will ever be "good enough". I wasted 24 years trying. There are great suggestions in this book to help you plan. Save your energy for you. The best information of the many, many books I have read on this topic.

This Book Explained SO MUCH about abusive relationships.......2007-10-05

There were two messages that impacted me the most. First, that many things abusive men do to their partners are practically invisible due to the pervasive chauvinism and misogyny that is considered acceptable in our society. Second, the abusive and controling male needs to present himself as a puzzle that needs to be solved: it's a trick that keeps their partner occupied with guessing about what he'll do next instead of just leaving.

It was the hiding of their true agenda that kept me in a relationship with a couple of abusive males much longer than I should have stayed. I thought I could uncover what "really made them tick" by sticking it out with them. Then I figured that once I resolved the mystery of his disturbing, hostile and angry behavior we could live happily ever after.

This is the first book that helped me through my fantasy of believing I could "rescue" this kind of person from himself. I'd give it the highest rating for that alone. But there is so much more helpful information here that confirmed what I'd feared about them that I'd say this is a must-read for any woman confused about why she's not happy with her partner but feeling it's all her fault. Great as a gift!

I don't understand why he treats me this way. He say he loves me........2007-09-23

If you've ever asked that question, then this is a book for you. It is very comprehensive in covering the multitude of reasons and justifications employed by abusive, controlling men. These types of relationships are killers, and getting help is critical to your well being.

Emotional and verbal abuse were areas of great interest to me and includes degradation, humiliation, keeping in control in all situations, withholding information to maintain control, deliberately doing something to make the victim feel diminished or embarrassed, isolating the victim from friends and family, and employing great guilt to paralyze and immobilize the victim from acting in a healthy way.

The confusing and detrimental thing in my life was that the abuser worked in a capacity which protected the rights of victims. The hypocrisy of it had me in denial for sometime. Ultimately it took others to tell me I was living in a hell created by an animal who said he loved me several times everyday.

This book was a Godsend to me. If you even think you are in one of these relationships, read this book.

important information for victims and advocates.......2007-09-10

I work for a domestic violence provention and service program. I have given out hundreds of copies of this book. I refer to it often. One of the best books on the "why" that has been written

Rural Women Battering and the Justice System: An Ethnography (SAGE Series on Violence against Women)

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Rural Women Battering and the Justice System: An Ethnography (SAGE Series on Violence against Women)
Neil Websdale
Manufacturer: Sage Publications, Inc
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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Ordeal

Accessories:

ASIN: 0761908528
Release Date: 1997-11-11

Book Description

Addressing a significant void in the extant literature on the topic of domestic violence, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System presents a thorough and arresting look at the experiences of battered women in rural communities. While living in the rural areas of Kentucky, Neil Websdale conducted his ethnographic research, and he situated the voices of rural battered women at the center of his ethnography. He clearly demonstrates how rural patriarchy and the insidious "good olâ€™ boy network" of law enforcement and local politics sustain and reproduce the subordinate, vulnerable, isolated position of many rural women. Taking into account that traditional patterns of intervention can often put women in isolated communities at further risk, the author recommends a coordinated multiagency approach to rural battering that is spearheaded by state feminist agencies. The chapter on the difficulties of an educated male researcher working with rural battered women offers a definite methodological plus. Illuminating and accessible, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System makes a most important and timely contribution to the field.

An excellent training resource for anyone working with battered women, especially in rural areas, Rural Woman Battering and the Justice System is highly recommended for law enforcement and criminal justice professionals, practitioners, advocates, shelter personnel, and advanced students in related courses of study, as well as academics and researchers.

Solving Tough Problems: An Open Way of Talking, Listening, and Creating New Realities

Average customer rating:

Listening and generative dialogue
Enables deeper connections across communities
Jerry's review on Solving Tough Problems
Not sure what I was expecting
Building bridges

Solving Tough Problems: An Open Way of Talking, Listening, and Creating New Realities
Adam Kahane
Manufacturer: Berrett-Koehler Publishers
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Hardcover

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ASIN: 1576752933

Book Description

Adam Kahane spent years working in the world's hotspots, and came away with a new understanding of how to resolve conflict in a way that seems reasonable - and doable - to all parties. The result is Solving Tough Problems. Written in a relaxed, persuasive style, this is not a "how-to" book with glib answers, but rather, a very personal story of the author's progress from a young "expert" convinced of the need to provide cold, "correct" answers to an effective facilitator of positive change - by learning how to create environments that enable new ideas and creative solutions to emerge. The book explores the connection between individual learning and institutional change, and how leaders can move beyond politeness and formal statements, beyond routine debate and defensiveness, toward deeper and more productive dialogue. Both tough and inspiring, the book explores models, technologies, and examples that foster and facilitate "dialogues of the heart."

Customer Reviews:

Listening and generative dialogue.......2006-08-14

Adam Kahane (2004) said that a friend of his told him that the old "1960s slogan `If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem' actually misses the most important about effecting change. The slogan should be, he said, `If you're not part of the problem, you can't be part of the solution.' If we cannot see how what we are doing or not doing is contributing to things being the way that they are, then logically we have no basis at all, zero leverage, for changing the ways things are--except from the outside, by persuasion or force" (pp. 83-84).

Any problem is part of a system, in other words, and if we are experiencing the problem, then we must, by definition, be a part of the problem. This book explores this concept and provides many tools and examples to help resolve conflict through deep listening and generative dialogue.

Enables deeper connections across communities.......2006-07-11

Mr. Kahane's book is the tip of the iceberg - a great start for someone looking for reflective practice that provides the skills and methods for addressing difficult challenges - individually and organizationally. The perspectives in Solving Tough Problems are from the heart, and present a valuable contribution to the growing awareness of how social technologies can provide containers for creating new realities...definitely recommended!

Jerry's review on Solving Tough Problems.......2006-03-17

At last! An easy to read book true to Bohm's vision of dialogue that will begin moving the subject from an esoteric phenomenon to a practice attainable by many. This book should not be considered as a primer on dialogue that could replace works such as "On Dialogue" or "dialogue, the art and practice of thinking together", rather it presents the author's experience in practical application of many of the concepts and principles discussed in those earlier works.

Not sure what I was expecting .......2005-12-31

I was expecting much more from this book,at times it seemed to be the author's bio instead of giving/sharing the best practices of how to go through an approach in solving difficult issues.

Building bridges.......2005-08-12

In a world beset by problems, this book offers real hope. Adam Kahane shares the techniques he has used in many of the world's trouble spots to bridge differences, establish a genuine conversation among adversaries, and create a positive future. This is not an academic book. It's based on real experience. Wherever we are called to end conflict, heal differences, and build collaboration we can learn from its lessons.

We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda

Average customer rating:

Compelling
Will really let you see into this tradgedy.
The Heartbreak of Hate
Excellent Book
Heartbreaking stories from Rwanda

We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda
Philip Gourevitch
Manufacturer: Picador
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0312243359

Amazon.com

"Hutus kill Tutsis, then Tutsis kill Hutus--if that's really all there is to it, then no wonder we can't be bothered with it," Philip Gourevitch writes, imagining the response of somebody in a country far from the ethnic strife and mass killings of Rwanda. But the situation is not so simple, and in this complex and wrenching book, he explains why the Rwandan genocide should not be written off as just another tribal dispute.

The "stories" in this book's subtitle are both the author's, as he repeatedly visits this tiny country in an attempt to make sense of what has happened, and those of the people he interviews. These include a Tutsi doctor who has seen much of her family killed over decades of Tutsi oppression, a Schindleresque hotel manager who hid hundreds of refugees from certain death, and a Rwandan bishop who has been accused of supporting the slaughter of Tutsi schoolchildren, and can only answer these charges by saying, "What could I do?" Gourevitch, a staff writer for the New Yorker, describes Rwanda's history with remarkable clarity and documents the experience of tragedy with a sober grace. The reader will ask along with the author: Why does this happen? And why don't we bother to stop it? --Maria Dolan

Book Description

Winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award for Nonfiction.In April 1994, the Rwandan government called upon everyone in the Hutu majority to kill each member of the Tutsi minority, and over the next three months 800,000 Tutsis perished in the most unambiguous case of genocide since Hitler's war against the Jews. Philip Gourevitch's haunting work is an anatomy of the war in Rwanda, a vivid history of the tragedy's background, and an unforgettable account of its aftermath. One of the most acclaimed books of the year, this account will endure as a chilling document of our time.

Customer Reviews:

Compelling.......2007-09-22

My prep for going to Rwanda was reading this book. This is a snapshot of the state Rwanda was in during the 100 days and the aftermath. However, much has been done to repair the damage. This is a time of reconciliation and healing. Go to Rwanda and see for yourself. It will change your life.

Will really let you see into this tradgedy........2007-05-29

What a great book. Such insight and it really helps you understand what happened in Rwanda. Especially the history of all the long ago violence and things that have happened over the years. Great book and a must read for everyone.

This could happen everywhere or anywhere in the world. Can really open your eyes into how much we all could be killers or saviors at any one time.

Highly recommended.

The Heartbreak of Hate.......2007-04-10

Gourevitch's jarring telling of the atrocities of hate hit with an imact of severe sorrow. The overwhelming scale of the murders in Rwanda are incomprehensible. It is sad to realize that in this age people allow hate and propoganda to rule their lives.

Excellent Book.......2007-03-27

This book was very well written and informative about the genocide that occurred in Rwanda.

Heartbreaking stories from Rwanda.......2007-03-19

This is a superb book, a collection of interviews and incidents from the genocide in Rwanda. There are portraits of unimaginable betrayal, brutality and horror, but also of heroism--the owner of the Hotel Rwanda, for instance. The description of the conduct of the "refugee" camps is particularly useful as a warning on what is likely to happen in the next crisis, and should force us to re-examine our ways of providing relief for people in distress across the world.

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Average customer rating:

Save your money for Lundy Bancroft
Abusive relationship no more
decent text on an important subject
Uncertain about your relationship? Good read to identify emotional abuse, but look elsewhere for help
Comprehensive, serious, deep, yet light reading

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
Beverly Engel
Manufacturer: Wiley
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0471454036

Book Description

"Engel doesn't just describe-she shows us the way out."
-Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail Praise for the emotionally abusive relationship

"In this book, Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse. . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse. This book is a guide both for individuals and for couples stuck in the tragic patterns of emotional abuse."
-Marti Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse
and coeditor of The Journal of Emotional Abuse

"This groundbreaking book succeeds in helping people stop emotional abuse by focusing on both the abuser and the abused and showing each party what emotional abuse is, how it affects the relationship, and how to stop it. Its unique focus on the dynamic relationship makes it more likely that each person will grasp the tools for change and really use them."
-Randi Kreger, author of The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
and owner of BPDCentral.com

The number of people who become involved with partners who abuse them emotionally and/or who are emotionally abusive themselves is phenomenal, and yet emotional abuse is the least understood form of abuse. In this breakthrough book, Beverly Engel, one of the world's leading experts on the subject, shows us what it is and what to do about it.

Whether you suspect you are being emotionally abused, fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, or think that both you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, this book is for you. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship will tell you how to identify emotional abuse and how to find the roots of your behavior. Combining dramatic personal stories with action steps to heal, Engel provides prescriptive strategies that will allow you and your partner to work together to stop bringing out the worst in each other and stop the abuse.

By teaching those who are being emotionally abused how to help themselves and those who are being emotionally abusive how to stop abusing, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship offers the expert guidance and support you need.

Customer Reviews:

Save your money for Lundy Bancroft.......2007-07-16

This is like a "dummy's" or a "McDonald's" guide to emotional abuse. Doesn't compare to Lundy Bancroft's work. It provided no clarity at all. Because Engle tries so hard to make it balanced, the book left me more confused about my role in an abusive relationship---that's not a good place to be. Abusers are constantly telling the victim "you're the problem" "if only you could fix yourself." It preys right into an abuser's tendency to claim that he is himself is the victim. Save your money for Lundy Bancroft.

Abusive relationship no more.......2007-07-05

Beverly Engel is in fact one of my favorite authors. If you really want to stop being abused or understand the meaning of abusive relationships and everything it entails this is the book for you to read. The examples, the questionares and all the exercises the book gives you will help you tremendously. Definitely a book to read.

decent text on an important subject.......2007-04-29

I think this book has some useful information, both theoretical and practical, for self-help if you find yourself on either end of an emotionally abusive relationship (or if you find yourself in a mutually abusive relationship).
One piece of advice I'd offer, however, is that if you're uncomfortable with a particular exercise and you it will only serve to re-sensitize you to painful experiences, then perhaps it's best to skip the exercise. I'm sure the author was well intentioned and that the advice for some is quite practical but I'd also say 'don't fret and don't give up on the process entirely' if certain challenges seem unduly painful.

Uncertain about your relationship? Good read to identify emotional abuse, but look elsewhere for help.......2007-02-16

I purchased this title while investigating the characteristics of emotional abuse and attempting to determine if I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It did provide that insight by explaining identifying characteristics of emotionally abusive relationships, exploring possible causes (to include personality disorders), and offering ways out. While there is some tremendously good advice (e.g., leave if in danger), I found some of the recommendations to be counterproductive (e.g., list out and then dwell on all of the abuses that made you feel bad, make your abuser read your list, make your abuser give a 3-part apology) and somewhat too superficial in aiming to change top-level behaviors rather than deeper causes (i.e., it treats only "symptoms" rather than the "disease"). Once I fully understood that I was square in the middle of an emotionally abusive relationship, I found the advice in Dr Steven Stosny's book You Don't Have to Take It Anymore to be much better focused on: 1) correcting deep core value hurts that create resentment and ultimately spawn abuse (for the abuser), and 2) "healing and growing to feel more valuable and confident regardless of what anyone says or does" (for all involved).

Comprehensive, serious, deep, yet light reading.......2007-01-14

Congratulations to the author. From this one book a whole scenario opened up to me and made me want deepen my knowledge on the subject. Even to me, a foreigner, the reading was pleasant, flowed smoothly and I could appreciate not only the teaching, but the penmanship.
Thank you for the indication,
Ana Cunha
from Brazil

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence

Average customer rating:

Outstanding
Bullies Times Three
The BEST book on bullying
Excellent Incite
The Bully, the bullied and the Bystander

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence
Barbara Coloroso
Manufacturer: Collins
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Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 006001430X
Release Date: 2004-02-03

Book Description

Practical solutions to a problem that may affect 80% of school children.

Drawing on her decades of work with troubled youth and her wide experience with conflict resolution and reconciliatory justice, bestselling parenting educator Barbara Coloroso offers a practical and compassionate book destined to become a groundbreaking guide to this escalating problem.

Coloroso helps readers recognize the characteristic triad of bullying: the bully who perpetrates the harm; the bullied who is the target (and who may become a bully); and the bystander––peers, siblings, or adults who don't act to defuse the situation. Readers learn:

o What bullying is and what it isn't; the three kinds of bullying; and the differences and similarities between boy and girl bullies

o How to read the subtle clues that a child is being bullied

o Seven steps to take if your child is a bully

o Four abilities that protect your child from succumbing to a bully

o Why zero tolerance policies can equal zero thinking

o Why contempt, not anger, drives bullying, and how to confront this in bullies.

o o Bullying is a widespread problem. In a 2001 study by the Kaiser Foundation in conjunction with Nickelodeon TV network and Children Now, 86% of children ages 12–15 interviewed said they get teased or bullied at school––making bullying more prevalent than smoking, alcohol, drugs, or sex among the same age group. Barbara Coloroso is an award wining author. Parenting Through Crisis and Kids Are Worth It! each won a Parent's Guide Award 2001 from Parent's Guide to Children's Media.

Customer Reviews:

Outstanding.......2007-08-01

This book is a fantastic resource for anyone who works with children. The author gives great insight into bullying and it is an area where parents and teachers really need to take action.

Bullies Times Three.......2006-11-10

This is a wonderfully written book. It presents parents, teachers and proffessionals with all three sides of the triangle created by the ever growing epidemic of "bullying". It calls for social change in it's remedy to this deadly disruption of the lives of so many. The format is easy to read and insightful. It is well worth the time it takes to read and then some. Bravo Barbara Coloroso, the information in this book is informative and inspiring.

The BEST book on bullying.......2006-10-01

This is a must have book for anyone that deals with kids. Our schools have a problem with bullying that the district is presently denying. I hope to start a support group soon - and this will be the one book I highly recommend reading.
I've already purchased multiple copies and have given them to staff at my child's school.

Excellent Incite.......2006-07-31

Excellent Book on the actual personalities of Bullies, their victims and the people who don't step in to help the victim.

The Bully, the bullied and the Bystander.......2006-03-23

It is a book that should be owned definitely by every parent, and also by everyone. It helps with understanding of how and why we came here, why we are who we are, and how to make it better for our kids and actually for every one around us. It describes how a family should treat our kids with respect and freedom. It is one book which I think is a must read. It gives insight into how we can change despite of bad experiences while we grew up. I would recommend it to be bought before buying a crib when you expect a baby! It is like a bible for a christan, Geeta for an Indian, Koran for a Muslim. It tells the three kinds of families, two dysfucntional and how they make long lasting deficiencies in kid's psyche. Then it explains how a backbone family gives freedom and respect to a child and makes him independent and loving. It takes a while to read as it has painful stories of kids who killed themselves because of bullying. This book should be talked about in parent teacher's organizations, at churches, temples , Sunday schools and so on. It is one book that will make a difference in our society. It describes the importance of difference between teasing and taunting and how taunting can lead to suicides, hurts not only the bullied but also instills fear in the bystanders. It weaves the relation of parental upbringing into making a kid a passive bystander as opposed to helper for the bullied. It tells signs to be seen in your child to detect if he is bullied, questions to be asked. It tells the life destroying long lasting effects on his own life if a bully is not stopped! It gives non humiliating strategies how to stop a bully and how to empower a bullied and the critical role of bystander and how to make him help the bullied. A fantastically written book. A life changing book!

Breaking Free from Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked from Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships

Average customer rating:

The first book that made sense of my "relationship"
The light in a very dark tunnel.
Making Sense of the Craziness!
Helpful to read her journal and love the cartoons
Content hit home

Breaking Free from Boomerang Love: Getting Unhooked from Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships
Lynn Melville
Manufacturer: Melville Publications
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 0976060035

Book Description

Through daily readings and affirmations, the reader is led into an inspirational, experiential journey as seen through the eyes of a partner to someone suffering with borderline personality disorder. Breaking Free from Boomerang Love progresses from the silent withdrawals to the exploding rages of the BPD, from the fearful, walking-on-eggshells to the ultimate healing and empowerment of the partner. The message is applicable to all relationships -- lovers, family members, friends and work associates. Breaking Free from Boomerang Love describes how the partner of the borderline personality disordered person repeatedly leaves the relationship, only to return to it, again and again, desperately trying to fix an illness they don't even know the name of -- and which only the BPD can fix, with professional mental health help. Many books have been written by mental health professionals about borderline personality disorder. Boomerang Love is the first ever written by a partner about the disorder and the experience of living with it.

Customer Reviews:

The first book that made sense of my "relationship".......2007-09-25

I got your book last night and read the whole thing straight through. I've read every self-help book I could get my hands on since meeting my boyfriend, and this is the first one that made any sense. Thank you so much!

The light in a very dark tunnel........2007-07-06

Living in the eye of a storm surrounded by chaos was my life for the past almost four years. When the engagement ended I didn't know what normal was anymore. Boomerang love is the calm after the storm. Lynns book helped me understand I wasn't alone. I found clarity to the confusion and sense of betrayal of a love I felt was real. It's the only book I have found that helps you as a survivor of a Borderline relationship find the tools needed to heal your soul. I would highly recommend this book to anyone recovering from an emotional or physically abusive relationship. It's my bible.

Making Sense of the Craziness!.......2007-04-10

I always thought he was just a "zero-to-sixty in 0.3 seconds" kind of guy! At first, I tried to believe the jealousy just proved he loved me. I thought all the bragging about his intellect, accomplishments, and possessions was just a cover-up for his insecurity. However, with the help of this book, I gained new insights into the phenomenon that lay at the root of all his behaviors. Melville writes in a learned yet easily accessible style, and practicality seems to be her muse. However, I found that the "Pot-Shot" illustrations, while acerbic and witty, detracted from rather than added to the value of this tome.

Helpful to read her journal and love the cartoons.......2007-01-12

This book is helpful in that it is like reading someone's journal as they process through the trials and tribulations of being in a romantic relationship with someone (and breaking free from that relationship) who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) -- but it is formatted like a daily meditation book. It is a different kind of book, but I found it to be validating of one's experience and comforting at the same time. I especially appreciate the captioned cartoons. Many of them are quite profound, as well as entertaining. I would recommend this book for anyone who is in or has been in a romantic relationship with someone who has BPD. It won't tell you directly how to repair any of the damage that has been done, but by reading the author's experiences/insights it will help point you in the direction of right thinking - and that is healing.

Content hit home.......2006-09-01

Currently divorcing a partner with BPD, and this book is a wonderful self help effort. I highly recommend it. It puts SO much into perspective.

Average customer rating:

Mommy Dearest Redux
Surviving and Learnin to take control of your own life
A chilling tale of children endangered by a mother with BPD
Well written
The Rules of Survival

The Rules of Survival
Nancy Werlin
Manufacturer: Dial
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Hardcover

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ASIN: 0803730012

Book Description

It all starts when Matthew observes a heroic scene in a convenience store: A man named Murdoch puts himself between an abusive father and his son. Matt is determined to get to know this man. And when, amazingly, Murdoch begins dating Matt's mother, it seems as if life may become peaceful for the first time.

Matt and his sisters have never before known a moment of peace in a household ruled by their unpredictable, vicious mother. And so, after Murdoch inevitably breaks up with her and the short period of family calm is over, Matt sees that he needs to take action. He refuses to let his family remain at risk. Can he call upon his hero, Murdoch? And if not, what might his desperation lead him to do?

A thought-provoking exploration of self-reliance and the nature of evil and a heart-wrenching portrait of a family in crisis, this is Nancy Werlin's most compulsively readable novel yet.

Customer Reviews:

Mommy Dearest Redux.......2007-10-15

I know I'm dating myself, but this book is reminiscent of that classic book and movie, MOMMY DEAREST, in which we endure "the mother from hell." In THE RULES OF SURVIVAL, Werlin situates us in Southie (South Boston to you) with a pretty mom named Nikki who abuses her three kids: narrator Matt (age 13 when the book begins), sister Callie (11), and step-sister Emmy (5). Nikki lives above her sister, Aunt Bobbie, who makes like an ostrich and keeps her head in the sand for the bulk of the book. Speaking of ineffective, there's Matt's dad Ben, who divorced Nikki to become a male nurse and now acts as helpless as the kids themselves.

The catalyst of the book comes in the form of a man we meet in the first sentence of the first chapter: "For me, the story begins with Murdoch McIlvane." It's a bit contrived, but Callie and Matt witness Murdoch facing down an abusive father at a local Cumberland Farms (milk store to you). Matt practically stalks the guy because he's convinced Murdoch is "the answer" to this novel's big question: Mommy Dearest.

Speaking of, she's almost as hard to take as a reader as she is as a mother. By the end of the book, I was seeking deliverance myself. (I went to a Cumberland Farms, but nothing much happened beyond a clerk ringing up some Slim Jims.) Nevertheless, credit where it's due, the mercurial and unpredictable nature of Nikki's schizo-like personality (Dr. Mommy and Mrs. Hyde, anyone?) was an education, and this is no doubt Werlin's intent.

Written in the form of a long letter to Emmy from Matt, the book only touches on the legal ramifications of trying to wrest children from a mother (clearly favored by our legal systems, even in situations like this... well, until it gets REALLY out of control, anyway). It's more a play-by-play and an exercise in frustration and repetition. One structural objection I had with the book was Werlin's giving away of the ending about halfway through. Perhaps she thought this wasn't the point (feeling the story was in the journey, not the destination), but it wouldn't have hurt to have played the suspense card by keeping readers in the dark until the bitter end. Also, there's a little "surprise inside" thrown in at the end. For me, it wasn't a Cracker Jack move, but for others, who knows? Obviously I cannot reveal it here. See if you find it realistic when you get there.

Despite the verbal and physical abuse, this novel is fairly clean and thus safe for older middle school kids. A morality play of sorts, it should be especially attractive to kids who wonder if something's not right with mom or dad's harsh treatment of them. And no, I don't mean garden variety discipline (which equates to love). I mean crossing the line of decency against someone you're supposed to love...

Surviving and Learnin to take control of your own life.......2007-10-11

I read a lot of adolescent lit to find stuff to recommend for my students and this book was really well-written. The main character seems totally realistic, heart-breakingly hopeful and insightful beyond his years. He and his sister fall for a man they think will save them from their psychotic, abusive mother. The adult male becomes part of their lives, first as mom's boyfriend, then as the rescuer they dreamt of - even if not in the way they pictured the rescue. The book is written as a letter to the narrator's youngest sister, but also as an exercise in self-discovery. The mother character should suffer in Dante's 7th circle and the children seem to be growing up strong, despite their beginnings.

A chilling tale of children endangered by a mother with BPD.......2007-09-19

"Rules of Survival" by Nancy Werlin deserves all the high praise it has been getting from young and old alike. I loved it from the first page and couldn't put it down. How could I resist? This is such a compelling tale of psychological, emotional, and physical child abuse, and it is told so earnestly and believably from the eldest child's point of view. What makes this book is so devastatingly compelling is that the abuser is the children's mother.

I don't want to give away the plot, or spoil any part of this wonderful tale by telling you any critical details. It is enough to say that this book is well-written, thrilling, and fast-paced. The characters are extremely believable. There is no doubt that Nancy Werlin is a master storyteller.

But I do want to make one matter perfectly clear: yes, their mother is mentally ill, but please don't be mislead by other reviews to think that she is a bipolar (a modern term for manic-depressive illness) or psychotic. Perfectly normal-acting persons with bipolar illness surround all of us every day. This illness can be treated very successfully by medication. It would be wrong of you to think that Nikki's actions are those of person suffering from bipolar illness. And psychotic...well, if Nikki were psychotic she'd be a lot worse than what she is here in this novel, and true psychotics are a lot rarer. No, Nikki is one of those unfortunate persons with borderline personality disorder (BPD)...and they are more common. It is a term that sounds innocent enough, but it's as close to psychotic as you can get and still be seen by most folks as somewhat normal. It is an illness that cannot be cured by medication, and psychiatric talk-therapy has had little success with this biologically hard-wired condition.

Unfortunately, I know two people with borderline personality disorder: one I avoid completely because I can, and the other...well, that person I have to deal with fairly often. Neither is as bad as Nikki, but Nikki's problems are significantly exacerbated by lack of an unconditionally loving family to support her, alcohol abuse, major illegal drug abuse, and the stress of raising three small children entirely on her own.

If you love this book and want to know more about borderline personality disorder, check it out on the Internet. While you're at it, learn more about bipolar illness and psychosis, too.

This was my first Nancy Werlin book. I can hardly wait to read more. I love the fact that she deals with tantalizing topics at the fringe of the human condition...and she does it so well!

Well written.......2007-07-27

This book, although sad and almost too sad, is expertly written. The characters feel very real and the storyline is very good. I was very impressed with this book.

The Rules of Survival.......2007-05-18

I've read books about abuse before, but this one was pleasantly better than the others. The style was unique, being told in a "letter" form, and in the end most of the obvious questions were answered, but there are still some little things I am curious about. But it was wrapped up perfectly, and I only have to imagine certain things, and I'm glad that it ended the way it did.

Now enough about the ending. The book in general was great. I mean, it had dark moments and it had light moments and it was easy to sympathize with the characters, and so I would recommend this book to those who don't mind tough subjects.

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out; On relationship and recovery

Average customer rating:

If you think you're in one, then you are
OK
THIS BOOK HAS OPENED MY EYES--HELPED TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER!
Powerful!
things my mother never told me

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out; On relationship and recovery
Patricia Evans
Manufacturer: ADAMS, BOB
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback

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ASIN: 1558503048

Book Description

From the author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship

If your partner: seems irritated or angry at you several times a week; denies being angry when he clearly is; does not work with you to resolve important issues; rarely or never seems to share thoughts or plans with you; or tells you that he has no idea what you're talking about when you try to discuss important problems...you need this book.

Customer Reviews:

If you think you're in one, then you are.......2007-09-23

Verbally-abusive relationships were foreign to me, I thought. But life changes and I sought answers on what would make an individual become abusive when they hadn't been so to you before. This book tells many versions of bad people manipulating people they love for many reasons, but among the stories are common threads that will give all who believe they are suffering at the hands of an abuser, strength to stand up to them and freedom to leave them behind. Finally I saw patterns of abuse in his marriage and and the signs of illness that had not been visible through my rose-colored eyes of love. This books support to move forward to positivism was a great motivator. How we change when abused is frightening. Whatever rantionalizations, lies, and blame laid at your feet the abuser uses to justify the abuse, it is not anyone's fault but their own for their cruelty. I often scoffed at self-help books, but this is a topic that is needed. Thank you.

OK.......2007-08-28

Didn't help me like I needed, but I realized that I am not in the same boat as these women.

THIS BOOK HAS OPENED MY EYES--HELPED TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER!.......2007-07-15

Because of a very verbal abusing/controlling relationship, I bought this book and bought I this book for one of my Birthday presents--what a wonderful present, the best one yet! It has opened my eyes in more ways than one. I highly recommend this book. Another reason that I bought this book is that since being in this controlling relationship for 5 years, I have had migraines and muscle aches 5 times per week or more that kept me bedridden! My self-esteem went from a healthy 10 to a minus 2 these past 5 years. Moreover, because I was "ill" so much, I did not exercise and gained 35 pounds. Eating had become my comfort, even sickness became my comfort. This book has helped to discoverer:
By ALLOWING this person to verbually abuse me and control me, it caused illness in my body and very often! I was tired of being ill most of the time. You see, I used my "illness" to gain control by:
1) Getting him to feel sorry for me so I could have my way for a change--I would not be forced to do what he wanted when I was "ill". (This "illness" method has stopped working in the last year).
2) I told my "illness" BYE BYE because it was controlling me! Now, I choose the healthy and honest way to control my life: "Stand up for myself with no need to explain myself."
3) I used the "illness" as an excuse to go to bed and "hide" from this person. Also, it was an excuse to not have to go to work so this person would continue to "take care of me." Now, I am walking 2 miles a day and physically and mentally I am healthier. I am getting in shape mentally and physically--I can go to work with no problem. And take care of myself with no problem.
2) After reading this book, I realized that I had ALLOWED this person to control me for 5 years and be verbally abusive to me when we were alone and in public. I have taken back my power now and I am now in control. Today, for the first time, I stood up to him and said "No" about something I did not want to do and told him what I CHOOSE to do instead. And I felt wonderful inside, my self-esteem went up quite a lot! YES!!!
If you are in a relationship or taking any kind of verbal abuse or control, I highly suggest that you purchase this book. I has truly been an eye-opener and life-saver for me as I learned that I had allowed this person to verbally abuse and control me, I gave him this power because I let him do these things. No more, now, I am in control of my life and my thoughts. This book is so very highly recommended and I believe it will help you. Also, may I suggest that you consider Louise Hay CD's" Self-Esteem, Stress-Free, 101-Power Thoughts", these have also been a big help to me and I listen to them often. May my story help others who are hurting right now, may you find the peace and love that you need.

Powerful!.......2007-03-06

This was a very good book. So many people do not realized just how destructive verbal abuse can be. This book was very well written. Another really good book is This Can't Be Love! by Patricia Goins. You won't be able to put it down.

things my mother never told me.......2006-03-20

this book is a gold mine of information about verbal abuse and domestic violence relationships...how to tell if you are in one...types of verbal abuse...how to respond and protect yourself...and how to get out of the relationship

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