Book Description
For the 70 percent of couples who have been affected by extramarital affairs, this is the only book to offer proven strategies for surviving the crisis and rebuilding the relationship –– written by a nationally known therapist considered an expert on infidelity.
When I was 15, I was raped. That was nothing compared to your affair. The rapist was a stranger; you, I thought, were my best friend.
There is nothing quite like the pain and shock caused when a partner has been unfaithful. The hurt partner often experiences a profound loss of self–respect and falls into a depression that can last for years. For the relationship, infidelity is often a death blow.
After the Affair is the first book to help readers survive this crisis. Written by a clinical psychologist who has been treating distressed couples for 22 years, it guides both hurt and unfaithful partners through the three stages of healing: Normalizing feelings, deciding whether to recommit and revitalizing the relationship. It provides proven, practical advice to help the couple change their behavior toward each other, cultivate trust and forgiveness and build a healthier, more conscious intimate partnership.
Customer Reviews:
After The Affair.......2007-09-26
My son-in-law absolutely loved the book. Hasn't stopped talking about how it helped him deal with various issues.
From the HURT party.......2007-09-06
This book was very painful to read as the "hurt" party. It makes you revisit very painful experiences and feelings, which I had dealt with already. The unfaithful party would rate it 5.
Saved my sanity and hopefully my marriage.......2007-07-20
I felt so lost and out of control, I didn't know where to turn - so immediately searched for a book on the subject of infidelity. I was at first hesitant after reading a review claiming the author places blame for the affair on the betrayed spouse -BUT - After reading this book as a betrayed spouse, I believe this is NOT the case.
What she DOES do is address both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally when taking an honest and often hard look at the relationship before the Affair took place - where there was breakdown in the marriage that may have lead up to the affair. She does clearly state that the wayward spouse IS responsible for their actions and the affair - after all, no one can FORCE someone to CHEAT.
But thankfully, this books delves far beyond finger pointing, and looks for a way to bring partners back toward one another, by dealing with issues in the marriage rather than sweeping them under the carpet. It does this in a supportive, non-judgmental way, that both sides can feel comfortable pursuing. And she gives us simple yet important exercises to do, and action plans to follow, to help us get there. It's a book to be devoured in one sitting, and then read and reread countless times as needed through the different stages of grieving and healing. This book is a true marriage saver - at least, it is for us, and I hope it can be for you, too.
Let me put it as simply as I can:
I (Betrayed Wife) couldn't put this book down, I was so thirsty for understanding - and cried tears of relief when I felt validated in both my feelings and reactions surrounding the discovery of the infidelity.
My husband (Wayward Husband) skimmed through the book with great interest, then went straight to the closest bookstore and bought his own copy. We both now are in our second readings, all the while making lots of notes in the margins, and doing the simple exercises that pop up from time to time. It has helped us to each understand what the other spouse is going through and may be thinking, and has helped us find a way to relate to one another productively.
We have come a long way in two short weeks, and although I know we still have a long way to go, I don't think we would have made it this far (and remained best friends, as we are) without the help in this book.
In fact, the end chapters on Forgiveness are so good, we've also purchased 'How Can I Forgive You' by the same author, to delve even deeper into the moving forward stage of healing and forgiving.
I would recommend these books immediately to any woman I love - and to any couple or man I care deeply about, too - if they found themselves facing infidelity.
For anyone out there hurting this much right now, I feel your pain, confusion and shock - and want you to know you aren't alone. Get this book and you'll see what I mean - you won't be sorry you did.
Excellent Resource for Surviving and Growing after Infidelity.......2007-05-23
After the Affair is a comprehensive and insightful manual that has provided extraordinary help in my life and Im sure will help millions. It helped me to get through the crisis and shock after finding out that my partner was having an affair. It explained the "normal" feelings and helped me to gain insight into what i was going through. After an affair there are of course choices you have. You can stay with your partner and make a committment to working on the relationship or you can move on to the new adventure that awaits you. This time in your life can be truly transformative. This book offers practical information on rebuilding trust if you choose that path. Personally I got a lot out of the book but I chose to move on with my life. The answer lies within your heart. You just need to listen closely. Highly recommended reading for anyone dealing with this challenging situation.
Not my favorite.......2007-05-13
I was not impressed by the advice in this book.I think no two affairs are the same, neither are all waywards or all betrayed spouses.Her approach seemed to be very one size fits all.Maybe it will help some people but it doesn't help all.The old adage of bad marriage=affair needs to be looked at again.Sometimes there are seriously messed up people that have affairs and fixing the 'broken marriage' will NOT fix them.
Book Description
Ralph Nader is known for his lifetime of progressive activism and fearless critique of corruption in American politics and society. Yet in this fresh and inspiring new book, Nader takes a look backward–at a serene and enriching childhood spent in bucolic Winsted, Connecticut, and at the traditions he absorbed within his family. From listening to learning, from patriotism to argument, from work to simple enjoyment, Nader revisits seventeen traditions he learned from his parents, his siblings, and the people in his community, and draws from them inspiring lessons for today's society. Blending memoir and thoughtful inspiration, Nader offers readers a chance to look back on a time in American history when the family and the natural world were central in a child's understanding of how to be a conscientious adult.
Among the seventeen traditions he celebrates:
•The Tradition of Listening
•The Tradition of Charity
•The Tradition of Civics
•The Tradition of Work
•The Tradition of Patriotism
•The Tradition of Simple Enjoyment
In his warmest and most personal writing to date, Nader fondly describes his father's restaurant business and how it taught him about work, community and how to share in the spirits of others; the value of his mother's ethnic cooking and how it defined his relationship with his heritage, and the hours he spent as a child wondering through the undeveloped forests of Connecticut where he learned the value of solitude. In doing so, he reawakens our own memories of the blessings of a simpler time–and of the enduring values of family, community, and love that gave him the courage to lead a meaningful life.
Customer Reviews:
The Seventeen Traditions.......2007-10-13
The Seventeen Traditions by Ralph Nader is an excellent book.
I have one and would like to order more as gift for my friends.
Nader's World.......2007-09-04
Before fast food, fast commuting, IM-ing and countless other electronic distractions, there was Nader's World. He grew up in a little town in northwest Connecticut, where traditions were passed down, people listened to each other, families not only ate dinner together but enjoyed one another's company afterward, the sidewalks were in greater use, hitchhiking was safe, and public service was honorable. This reflection by Ralph Nader explains the roots of his passions: independent thinking, involvement in civic affairs, and insistence on fairness and social justice. He was raised in a loving, nurturing family, where his parents taught by example and used proverbs and Socratic questioning to stimulate the intellectual curiosity of Nader and his siblings.
In contrast to his more cerebral writing, this book is quite readable. I read the whole thing in a couple of hours this Labor Day. Its format is inspirational - albeit with some Tuesday's-with-Morrie-like schmaltz along with Emersonian wisdom - touching emotional chords and revealing a side of Ralph Nader that political pundits often miss.
Ralph Nader's Bridge To A Past Not Dominated By Commerical Entertainment.......2007-08-24
The author of this book succeeds here on several levels. First, Ralph Nader explains himself well: who he is, and how he got to become who he is.
Second, the author explains how growing up in a low-media, high intensity household gave him lifelong advantages, insights, and commitments--things he might not have had he been enmeshed in movies, television shows, video games, rap music, etc.
Third, the author details the family traditions from Lebanese parents that were especially useful to him during his 45 years or so of national leadership of various causes.
Fourth, the author provides a warm evocation of a Christian Arabic family that can aid in improving understanding of Arab speaking people in and outside the United States.
The seventeen traditions that the author discovers in mining his family history are the traditions of listening, the family table, health, history, scarcity, sibling equality, education and argument, discipline, simple enjoyments, reciprocity, independent thinking, charity, work, business, patriotism, solitude and civics. These are traditions, he demonstrates, that his family lived, not just ideals that they mouthed.
Had this book been published the year before the 1992 Presidential election, when the author was toying with seeking the Democratic Presidential nomination, he could well have been a serious candidate for that nomination and changed both his political future and the direction of our country. Without pretentiousness, it shows him to be a man of depth, understanding and roots in small-town America.
The author sketches memorable portraits of his restaurant-owner and politically outspoken father; his wise, loving, and community active mother; his older brother, an attorney and community college founder; his sisters, Ph.Ds with enviable records of scholarship and academic leadership; his nephew, who has a doctorate and ecology, and two nieces, a lawyer and a Ph.D. in infectious diseases. The author certainly has a family committed to education and the welfare of us all.
Elements of the author's crusading zeal are submerged but very much present here. He refers to "these times of widespread conformity and self-censorship." Speaking of his hometwon of Winsted, Connecticut, he notes that "The air and the water became clearer after the factories closed, but the toxic soils and hollowed-out remained, economic tripwires to any new development in the area."
"Today," the author notes, "children everywhere are deprived of expsoure to nature in the same way (as only big city children used to be); they grow up with their eyes, ears, tastes and other senses trained on a corporate world of sensual visual reality--removed, as no generation in human history, from the daily flow and rhythm of history."
The book jacket notes that author was recently named by the Atlantic magazine as one of the 100 most influential figures in American history. This customer reviewer does not dispute that rating and hopes that the author will continue finding ways to speak out and positively influence the American social and political debate.
try not to finish it in one day.......2007-08-10
it is a brilliant book... book that "teaches you to think not to believe" Mr. Nader's life is full of wisdom so are his parents'. I usually don't write reviews but for this one, I could afford not to. you can't read this book and not relate it to something in your life... sometimes you feel that he is talking about you, your life and your family... it is great read...
Better days, renewed possibilities.......2007-07-21
Family and civic culture that is refreshing, basic, simple, important -- and largely disappeared. Family, community, and teaching by example and participation before greedy 'me' generation individualism when pleasure was being part of community and world beyond just yourself. It seems all too distant and foreign but should not be. This is a book to restore values, inspire young families, and shame an older generation that has lost its principles. You will get a chuckle or two such as the description of the author's mother and her confrontation with GW's grandfather. Get it, share it, circulate it widely. (It took ne less than a day to read.)
Book Description
Marriage works only when each spouse takes the time to consider the other's needs and strives to meet them. In His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs. The revised anniversary edition of His Needs, Her Needs is a celebration of how the book has helped thousands of couples revitalize their marriages during the last fifteen years. This best-seller identifies the causes of marital difficulties and instructs couples on how to prevent them, guiding them to build a relationship that sustains romance and increases intimacy. With today's soaring divorce rate and prevalence of affairs, Harley's insights are needed more than ever before. An unabridged recording of His Needs, Her Needs, the 15th anniversary edition, is now available as an audio book.
Customer Reviews:
One of the most helpful books I have ever read.......2007-09-14
I read this book after my sister recommended it to me. I only wish I could have read it before my divorce. It is a great book and even after the divorce it was very helpful.
could be better.......2007-08-29
Our marriage counselor gave us this book after I found out about an affair. While the book has many good points, I found it to be heavy on putting blame on the spouse who doesn't meet needs. The reason people have affairs is that they are selfish and covenant breakers. There are other ways to address needs not being met. We are now working out our differences, but at first my husband used the book to justify his actions. It could be a great book, used with care.
Review: His Needs, her Needs.......2007-08-23
This book was given as a gift to a couple who are experiencing difficulties in their young marriage. It was recommended to me by a wife who had used it successfully herself.
His Needs, Her Needs.......2007-08-13
What an eye opener. This has helped our marriage from 50-60% to 100-120%.
So many things we did not know about the differences in how we think.
God Bless.
Interesting Point of View.......2007-07-27
I found it a bit simplistic to reduce a marriage to a set of needs that could be met or unmet. That's what behaviorist theory preaches and so far it has worked in other areas of psychology. Reading within that context, it makes sense that if you fullfill your spouse's needs, there won't be affairs. Quite optimistic!
Book Description
The groundbreaking book on recovering from infidelity and surviving marital affairs...and coming out stronger and more in love than ever. Courageous, bold, honest.
Brian (husband): After nearly two decades of marriage to a sexy, loving woman - with whom I made love almost every night - I came home from work one evening and told her I was moving out, leaving her for another woman. Lucky for me, my wife refused to give up on our marriage. We are now closer and more committed than ever. What you're probably wondering is, if I loved my wife so much, why did I do it? In this book, I have answered that question.
Danielle (teenage daughter): When my father told me he was leaving my mother for another woman, I felt it was me he was abandoning. I wondered "what has my whole life been so far, a joke?" In this book, I share the truth about my feelings
Anne (wife): My Husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me, yes eventually, but it was also the most devastating of my life. There was a time when I wondered if I could even live through it.
What people are saying..."Riveting...Mesmerizing...I couldn't put the book down."
"My Husband's Affair" deliberately removes itself from providing "the theoretical and psychological" explanations for the why of infidelity and instead purposes to take readers on a gut-honest, courageous, straight-from-the-heart journey into the lives of a couple/family who endured the aftermath of an affair. A must-read before couples, facing infidelity, make life decisions they may later regret. This book provides an alternative to the expected... hope that it's not over.
Don Huston, BTh, MC, RCC, Couples Therapist
This book makes a wonderful contribution to the growing willingness of couples to "break the code of silence" and share their experience with affairs in order to help others. It offers clear insight into the pain involved as well as great hope for the power to recover and rebuild the marriage.
Peggy Vaughan, author of "The Monogamy Myth" and Host of www.dearpeggy.com
For too long too many have suffered in silence because of the stigma associated with affairs. This book gives an honest look at the reality of betrayal and offers hope through the testimony of one brave couple.
Margie Thaler - A Reader
What a ride! Anne captures her marital journey in a way that leaves you feeling as if you've just completed a double loop on a roller coaster...only to realize there's another one coming! After reading their story, I see Anne and Brian as champions of honesty, commitment, perseverance....and true love.
Monica Columbus - A Reader
Customer Reviews:
Very helpful book.......2007-08-23
I ordered this book after my husband of 35 years told me he was having an affair and I didn't know where to turn. It offers some very useful information and advice and helped me make some important decisions. The only thing I would find negative is that this couple was able to reconcile and make their marriage better and of course that isn't the case every time. Since this is their personal experience though, it probably wouldn't be appropriate to include stories on those who weren't able to stay married.
My marriage can survive and I can heal.......2007-06-30
This book is the best purchase I have made since finding out my husband was having an affair. I have read many books about affairs and healing from an affair, but this book is by far the best one. It really hit home and offered me hope and strength when I thought I had none left. My husband and I are trying to repair our marriage and I am working on forgiving and letting go of the pain and devastation I felt for many months and still face, but this book provided me with the hope that I can forgive and our marriage can be whole again. I recommend this book to anyone that is trying to put the pieces back together and find happiness again with their spouse.
My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.......2007-01-04
Excellent book. I would highly recommend it to couples who are experiencing marital difficulties involving extramarital affairs and
also for those who are support persons for a couple in trouble.
Anne does an good job of explaining what was helpful and what was
detrimental from their support system. She also was very open about
how difficult it was to recover from her husband's betrayal and all
the work involved between them to rebuild their marriage.
A "Friend".......2006-12-29
This book is amazing, I don't normally give books 5 stars but, this book I am. I received this book 2 days after it was shipped and I read the entire book from front to back in less than 3 days. It was so good, I could not put it down.
If you need books on healing, tips, advice, or just good reading on this subject I highly rec. this book. I found this book to be my "friend" during the time I read it. Anne goes into detail every experience, every emotion, every thought. Although, I wish Brian would have added more to his stories he still shared a lot in this book about his side.
There is one issue though, in this book that I do not agree with. When Anne finally realizes her faults she compares them to be equally as bad as what Brian had done. Not true, her faults were nothing even remotely close to the pain Brian had caused her. Yes, it's great that she finally realized her faults and began working on them but, no, they are not equal to his affair at all.
Best Book on this life changing subject........2006-11-10
I have read several books on this saddening subject and this book is by far the best. It was realistic and was not engulfed in medical terminology. Great book for the every day person going through a difficult time in their marriage.
Amazon.com
"Hutus kill Tutsis, then Tutsis kill Hutus--if that's really all there is to it, then no wonder we can't be bothered with it," Philip Gourevitch writes, imagining the response of somebody in a country far from the ethnic strife and mass killings of Rwanda. But the situation is not so simple, and in this complex and wrenching book, he explains why the Rwandan genocide should not be written off as just another tribal dispute.
The "stories" in this book's subtitle are both the author's, as he repeatedly visits this tiny country in an attempt to make sense of what has happened, and those of the people he interviews. These include a Tutsi doctor who has seen much of her family killed over decades of Tutsi oppression, a Schindleresque hotel manager who hid hundreds of refugees from certain death, and a Rwandan bishop who has been accused of supporting the slaughter of Tutsi schoolchildren, and can only answer these charges by saying, "What could I do?" Gourevitch, a staff writer for the New Yorker, describes Rwanda's history with remarkable clarity and documents the experience of tragedy with a sober grace. The reader will ask along with the author: Why does this happen? And why don't we bother to stop it? --Maria Dolan
Book Description
Winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award for Nonfiction.In April 1994, the Rwandan government called upon everyone in the Hutu majority to kill each member of the Tutsi minority, and over the next three months 800,000 Tutsis perished in the most unambiguous case of genocide since Hitler's war against the Jews. Philip Gourevitch's haunting work is an anatomy of the war in Rwanda, a vivid history of the tragedy's background, and an unforgettable account of its aftermath. One of the most acclaimed books of the year, this account will endure as a chilling document of our time.
Customer Reviews:
Compelling.......2007-09-22
My prep for going to Rwanda was reading this book. This is a snapshot of the state Rwanda was in during the 100 days and the aftermath. However, much has been done to repair the damage. This is a time of reconciliation and healing. Go to Rwanda and see for yourself. It will change your life.
Will really let you see into this tradgedy........2007-05-29
What a great book. Such insight and it really helps you understand what happened in Rwanda. Especially the history of all the long ago violence and things that have happened over the years. Great book and a must read for everyone.
This could happen everywhere or anywhere in the world. Can really open your eyes into how much we all could be killers or saviors at any one time.
Highly recommended.
The Heartbreak of Hate.......2007-04-10
Gourevitch's jarring telling of the atrocities of hate hit with an imact of severe sorrow. The overwhelming scale of the murders in Rwanda are incomprehensible. It is sad to realize that in this age people allow hate and propoganda to rule their lives.
Excellent Book.......2007-03-27
This book was very well written and informative about the genocide that occurred in Rwanda.
Heartbreaking stories from Rwanda.......2007-03-19
This is a superb book, a collection of interviews and incidents from the genocide in Rwanda. There are portraits of unimaginable betrayal, brutality and horror, but also of heroism--the owner of the Hotel Rwanda, for instance. The description of the conduct of the "refugee" camps is particularly useful as a warning on what is likely to happen in the next crisis, and should force us to re-examine our ways of providing relief for people in distress across the world.
Amazon.com
Many mothers have long suspected that they're getting the short end of the deal--and finally, a highly respected economics journalist proves they're not just griping. Despite all the lip service given to the importance of motherhood, American mothers are not only not paid for all the work they do, but also penalized for it. "The gift of care can be both selfless and exploited," writes Ann Crittenden in this intrepid and groundbreaking work. Motherhood is dangerously undervalued--it's now the single biggest risk factor for poverty in old age. Mothers lose out in forgone income if they stay at home, an inflexible job market makes part-time work scarce or inadequately paid, and in the case of divorce, they're refused family assets by divorce laws that don't count their unpaid work.
Crittenden is fond of pointing out the hypocrisies plaguing America, and one is the belief in a welfare state enabling single mothers. The true welfare state, she says, protects paid workers from unforeseen risks through social security, unemployment insurance, and workman's compensation. Mothers who work part-time or not at all have no such safety net and typically take a nosedive into poverty, along with their children, after divorce or the death of their spouse. Married working moms are also punished--they pay the highest taxes on earned income in America. Crittenden's impassioned argument is based on research in a variety of fields, from economics to child development to demography. She shows how mothers were demoted from an economic asset to dependents, why welfare for only a certain group of mothers bred bitterness among the rest, and why there is currently an exodus of highly trained women from the work force.
Crittenden also travels far and wide for solutions. She finds them not only in such European nations as Sweden--which has abolished child poverty by giving mothers a year's paid leave, cash subsidies, and flexible work schedules--but in the U.S. military, which runs the best subsidized child-care program in the country and knows the value of providing special benefits to those who selflessly serve their country. Ultimately, Crittenden insists, the equality women have been fighting for will only be achieved when mothers are recognized as productive citizens creating a much-needed public good--human capital, or in layman's terms, well-raised children who grow into productive, law abiding citizens (and who pay into social security). This is an admirable--and charged--defense of motherhood, reminding us that unpaid female labor is "the priceless, invisible heart of the economy," and those who engage in this labor deserve the same rights, and the same respect, as other workers. --Lesley Reed
Book Description
In the pathbreaking tradition of Backlash and The Second Shift, this provocative book shows how mothers are systematically disadvantaged and made dependent by a society that exploits those who perform its most critical work. Drawing on hundreds of interviews and the most current research in economics, history, child development, and law, Ann Crittenden proves that although women have been liberated, mothers have not.The costs of motherhood are everywhere apparent. College-educated women pay a "mommy tax" of over a million dollars in lost income when they have a child. Family law deprives mothers of financial equality in marriage. Stay-at-home mothers and their work are left out of the GDP, the labor force, and the social safety net. With passion and clarity, Crittenden demonstrates that proper rewards for mothers' essential contributions would only enhance the general welfare.Bold, galvanizing, full of innovative solutions, The Price of Motherhood offers a much-needed accounting of the price that mothers pay for performing the most important job in the world.
Customer Reviews:
One of the most important books EVER........2006-12-21
I'd give this book 10 stars if I could. Ann Crittenden does an amazing job arguing for the rights of mothers (and women in general), backed with the kind of evidence you would find in scholarly journals.
More than convincing, and more than infuriating (though you won't want to stop), because with every page you realize that all the things you never really paid attention to or thought was fair (a wife getting less than half of her ex-husband's assets, etc.) are really just another subtle way our current system reinforces women's secondary place in society. I never really considered myself a feminist (even though I have taken numerous courses on sociology, anthro, and the like, and read up quite a bit on the subject) because I thought the idea was more or less outdated. We women have come a long way, have we not? I have certainly been convinced that I was wrong and short-sighted, and that there is another crucial step toward true equality, and other countries already have successful models of it in place (countries whose economies Americans envy - this is not a coincidence). I encourage everyone to read it. It will without a doubt open your eyes, and you will never see motherhood in the same light again.
The Price Isn't Right...This is an Interesting Read.......2006-12-02
What you get in The Price of Motherhood is an interesting look at what has become a "hot topic" among what seem to be an endless stream of women leaving high-paying jobs to devote more time to raising their children...they are discovering what the rest of us already know and they aren't any happier about it than the rest of us. Crittenden presents us with information drawn both from her personal experience and from those of dozens of women all over the world and she looks at systems that support (or fail to) women and children in countries the globe over. Distilled, Crittenden's message is that women who have children in the United States sacrifice at least some level of professional advancement, societal status, leisure time, and economic security and/or independence. She believes that college-educated women, who have (or had) the best shot of "having it all", lose the most. If a highly educated women leaves the workforce to have a child, Crittenden cites data that estimates she will lose about a million dollars in overall lifetime earnings; additionally, she will not be economically compensated for parenting and running a household. In this end, she will receive no social security benefits for the work she does at home; she faces an inflexible job market that offers minimal opportunity for adequately paid part-time work; and if she divorces, most state laws will deny her family assets because divorce laws do not count unpaid work.
The Price of Motherhood is interesting and informative while also managing to be deeply depressing. Above all else, I think it is a book all young women should read...this one or one VERY like it. The message that becoming a mother basically incurs a penalty for the rest of a woman's life whether she has "career aspirations" or not is one that I don't think enough young girls and women get. We're all led to believe that motherhood is the highest calling, that it and keeping a solid household is something that's inherently women's work and this work, while being touted as all important, is largely undervalued and unappreciated. Girls and Women everywhere should be going into motherhood with more foreknowledge of what it really means for their long term career goals.
I like that the book acknowledges that the wage gap between single, childless men and women is all but non-existent and that it really doesn't come into play for men or women until they decide to have children. While there is definitely a mommy tax for women (with children) which is not present for men (with children) making 40,000 or more a year, with a stay-at-home wife, I would have liked more time devoted to the fact that there is also a parent penalty (just a mommy tax) for those people who can't or won't put in the hours that single, non-married, childless individuals do. Men are also penalized for taking time out for their families, for going home at the scheduled end of the day and for not having as great a scheduling flexibility as their single co-workers. Crittenden focuses almost solely on women/mothers...but I feel that there is a penalty for both men and women with children in the workplace today. Reading The Price of Motherhood is a good starting place for those people considering undertaking the daunting task of becoming parents. Most of us go into it thinking about the benefits and not so much about the cost or penalties that are also a part of that decision...or we falsely underestimate what being a parent can truly mean long term.
While I feel that Crittenden elucidates the problem quite well, her solutions are bound to stir up controversy, like The Motherhood Manifesto, I found myself cheering on one had and booing on the other. I'd like to see many of the benefits that she lists, but single, childless people already have a big enough problem with paying taxes to support public schools, I just don't see a majority of people (even mothers, working or not) embracing these types of policies/changes and frankly, some are just unrealistic in my opinion. I agree that change is needed and we need women who are willing to work to make these issues more visible and people in office that will be able to take that visibility a reality, I just don't know how quickly that is likely to happen.
I'd recommend this book without reservation, though as I said above, I don't think all of her solutions are viable this IS information that women considering having children should have before they make that decision...which means Crittenden's message needs to be delivered early to young women. I give it an A-, it's well written, easy to understand and highly informative, but falls short on the solution side. A great start, but don't stop here.
Raging Sense of Entitlement in the name of Motherhood.......2006-09-09
Believe it or not, I do agree with some points that she makes in this book. Motherhood is a very undervalued job, and we certainly still have a long way to go to acheive equality between men and women when it comes to childrearing. I also agree that mothers should have a decent maternity leave and that there should be better laws for deadbeat dads.
However, the writer's proposed solutions to these issues are absurd, and not very well thought out at all.
First of all, parenting is a choice, and as the saying goes-with choice, comes responsibility. In the same way that it is your choice to have children and parent them as you wish, it is your responsibility to pay for them. You would not like others telling you how many children you can have, or IF you can have them at all, and god knows how many parents are upset if anyone even sounds like they're telling them how to raise them, so you can't just turn around and make those same people responsible for paying for your child. There is no doubt you will be forced to make financial sacrifices if you choose to have a child and stay at home, but let me get this straight- as a childless by choice woman, I should have to have more money taken from my paycheck (that I work hard for too) so that I can fund your personal choice? That on top of all of the other taxes I pay that benefit you and your children (especially after being insulted and basically called a "freeloader" in society), in what way is this fair?
Like I've said before, there is no doubt in my mind there are many inequities between women and their husbands when it comes to childrearing, and you rightfully deserve more support. That support needs to come from your husband (who also chose to have children), not the government. Not your boss. Not the childless. We are not your enemy simply because we have not made the same choices you have made.
I see in this book the many tasks stay at home mothers perform in a day's work that the author proposes they be paid for. Most of these, aside from childrearing duties, are the same household chores that await me when I get home from a 9+ hour day at work. Am I demanding that someone pay me to do these things because they are a drag and I would like more free time? No. Many of these things in the past have been seen as "women's work". Want to make sure they remain viewed that way forever? Insist that stay at home mothers be paid for them!
It is debatable at best, to say that procreation benefits society. With overpopulation becoming a growing concern, are you really afraid no one will be around to pad social security (As if there will actually be social security when we're older)? Do you really believe that all of us who have not chosen to have kids are somehow not doing our bit for society? And are you really afraid there will be a shortage of people providing services? Are your children going to be working for free as a special benefit to me? Is that why you had them? Or did you have them for your personal enjoyment, as you should have, like I believe? It's wonderful if you did that, but please stop acting like you did it as a favor to mankind.
You want parenting treated as a job, as in one that you're paid for? Wait a minute, I thought it was supposed to be seen as a rewarding gift. When I work at a job, I don't just walk in. I have to apply, be screened against other candidates, and be qualified for the position. Does this mean you're willing to go through the same things when you take on the "job" of raising a child? I am also subject to reviews based on my performance. Surely, the people paying you will want to make sure you're doing a good enough job. Would you be willing to listen to others telling you how & how not to parent? I can get fired at work if I do a poor job. How would that work for you? Do we get to take away your pay? Or your child? Let's talk about salary: Salary is based on whatever demand there is for that position, which is why a retail worker gets paid less than a surgeon- becuase there are more people who can perform the job out there to work in the mall than who can perform surgery. Being that everyone would be lined up for the job as mother, what end of the salary spectrum to you think you'll fall on? You'll be opening up a can of worms and inviting all of these questions when you expect motherhood to be considered your full time paid job.
By the way, how would this work for working mothers? You know, the ones who also love their children but choose not to stay home and whine that they're losing money? This book was written by a woman who had a child in her forties, fell in love with her son, and got upset that she wasn't earning money anymore from the job she chose to leave.
Another thought- what incentive does this plan give to teenage girls in high school to go to college and earn a degree, knowing she can just get knocked up, stay at home, and get paid?
This book starts out with a few good points, but ends up giving both feminism and motherhood a bad name.
Three cheers for mothers.......2006-03-15
Motherhood is the most under-valued job in the Western world today, argues economics journalist Ann Crittenden. While everyone may give lip service to the values of motherhood, the truth is, it is an unappreciated and un-rewarded job. Governments especially may sing the praises of mothering, but they do very little to actually support mothers.
Indeed, economists in particular pay little or no attention to the many important contributions made by mothers to society. If the input they made were included in our Gross Domestic Product calculations, the figures would vastly different. As Crittenden notes, in the modern world, two thirds of all wealth is created by "human skills, creativity, and enterprise - what is known as `social capital'." That makes parents the major wealth producers in most Western economies.
Not only does home care work receive no economic recognition, in many cases it is actually penalised. Women in the paid work force usually get subsidized day care, while mums who stay at home get nothing. This is but one example of how stay-at-home mums are discriminated against in most Western nations.
The value of a mother to a community is in many ways immeasurable. To raise and nurture the next generation, training them to become model citizens of the future, is no mean task. It takes years of sacrifice, commitment and fortitude. Yet this job goes unrecognised and under-praised.
Mothers on average are estimated to work more than eighty hours a week, more than anyone else in the economy. Yet all this labor is counted as nothing. As Crittenden explains, in a "culture that measures worth and achievement almost solely in terms of money, the intensive work of rearing responsible adults counts for little".
It is only when we put it in business terms that the picture becomes more clear. We should value a mother's work "at the level of a middle manager, plus the additional occasional services of a psychologist, a financial planner, a chauffeur, and so on." Indeed, a mum is also a chef, a teacher, a nurse, a child care worker, a sports coordinator, a cleaner, a wardrobe consultant, and much more. What wages in the paid workplace would a person with these combined talents bring in?
Crittenden cites the research of economists who have calculated the value of unpaid work done in the home to be equivalent to one half to two thirds of the GNP.
And of even more importance, a mother molds and shapes a child's character, hopefully rounding off the rough edges, curbing bad habits and promoting good ones. Children are being prepared for the role of a responsible citizen, and no social worker or government bureaucrat can replace a mother (and a father) in this regard.
However, Crittenden is certainly no conservative, and she shares most of the major feminist beliefs. For example, she argues for universal pre-school, more subsidised day care places, more workplace flexibility. All these are common feminist proposals. But she does recognise, unlike many feminists, that mothers really are important, and they deserve social, political and economic support.
Her feminist perspective shows up in many places. For example, she brings up the usual complaint about "deadbeat dads", that divorced men are often not making their alimony or child support payments. Yet she does not mention that the reason this is often the case is that many men are denied access to their own children, or even if they are allowed visiting time, many mums make it very difficult for them to do so. So the issue cuts both ways. Although it may not be right, one can understand a father being hesitant about dishing out money for the children he is often denied access to.
But Crittenden does point out that feminists have not always helped the lot of mothers. The truth is, the improvement of the conditions of motherhood, and a renewed push to revalue mothers, is just not on the feminist agenda. For too long feminists have argued that the only good woman is a career woman, and motherhood and homemaking are oppressive jobs, not worthy of liberated women. Says Crittenden, "women may have come a long way, but mothers have a lot further to go".
And she criticises conservatives for talking family values, but not really doing much to help mothers. To be fair, however, many conservative pro-family organisations have argued for years for proper recognition and support of motherhood.
Thus this book is neither wholly feminist nor wholly conservative, (although it clearly is closer to the feminist worldview). But it is refreshing for taking motherhood seriously, and for standing up for mothers when so few others actually are. And whether all her proposals to relieve mothers (especially in terms of financial help) are the best options or not, at least she is giving in-principle support for the invaluable job mothers perform.
Why She Speaks The Truth.......2006-02-16
Here's the thing. People who are "child-free" or work for pay and resent the idea that "at-home" (ha!) mothers deserve any tax breaks or remuneration for their work seem to forget one thing: children do not stay children forever.
You ask why non-parents should subsidize the child-rearing work unpaid parents perform? Remember that one way or another, today's children are tomorrow's workers. Today's children are going to cure your cancer, fix your automobile, inspect the food you eat, push your wheelchair around the retirement home, solve the crimes in your neighborhood, and teach the next generation of human beings -- among other things.
Having children isn't just some petty, self-absorbed indulgence on the part of parents. It's a way to ensure continuation of the human species, for one thing.
And I don't care who's raising the children -- at-home parents, daycare centers, nannies -- it's a tough job that should be valued and respected for its crucial importance not just to our society but to the human race in general.
For those who think it's "communist" or "socialist" to value, and maybe even subsizide, the free (or very cheap) labor put out by people who do their best to raise the next generation of decent human beings, I say: I hope you have never needed anything from anyone. Though I doubt that's true.
Book Description
Infidelity is at crisis level even within the church. No marriage is immune despite apparent moral convictions. Dave Carder wrote Torn Asunder to offer couples hope, healing, and encouragement in the face of adultery. He divides his book into first helping readers understand extramarital affairs and then offering healing for marriages dealing with this betrayal. Excellent resource for pastors, leaders, and lay people.
Customer Reviews:
A Balanced Approach.......2007-05-11
Goes beyond the simplistic notion of shallow forgiveness into the real work of repentance and reconciliation. Squares the responsibility between both spouses instead of placing an unfair burden on the spouse who has been betrayed to do all the work necessary for restoration of the relationship.
Not just facts.......2007-01-12
I was ready for a dry book with too many facts and statistics, but this book has been great. I'm only on the first chapter and have learned so much already.
Torn Asunder.......2006-11-03
This book and its accompaning workbook are simply the best resources I have found in helping folks recover from the devastating affects of marital infidelity, whether the couple chooses to remain married or divorce.
Great Book in a great time of need.......2006-08-31
This is a great book for anyone experiencing this traumatic part of life as well as anyone who knows someone going through this. It gives you hope when you think everything is gone and helps you break down the who,how,why when and where and then helps pick up the pieces.
Torn Asunder Workbook.......2006-08-08
THis book is excellent and follows the book. I would recommend it to anyone in this situation. God Bless you both as you try and reconcile your marriage.
Book Description
A practical guide to coping with infidelity, explaining how affairs begin, how to end them, and how to restore the marriage afterwards.
Customer Reviews:
Good Book.......2007-09-16
This is a good book with alot of valid points. I bought it in an attempt to save my marriage after my husband left and had an affair. Unfortunately, I tried plan A, then went to plan B. Because I used Dr Harvey's plans, it pushed my husband to file divorce papers. It doesn't say in the book what to do if that happens. I'm back to square one now trying to figure out what to do to rescue my marriage from divorce and put my family back together. Dr Harvey's book is great for those who are just dealing with a partner who had an affair and hasn't left home. I am now looking for other ways of trying to save my marriage.
Marriage saver.......2007-02-22
I read this book within a day of the time I learned of my husbands affair. We are on a steady road of recovery and rebuilding our marriage. This book was our saving grace. Had I not read this book I would have thrown my husband out without hesitation. This book helped me to see the possibilty of marital recovery. I highly reccomend this book to anyone suffering through the agony of an affair.
Must reading for anyone involved in an affair.......2007-01-20
The author gives a very clear understanding of the emotional needs (not feelings) being sought after by those involved in an affair. The reading is concise and easy. An excellent book for counseling people who want to rebuild a marriage, despite an affair. An excellent resource for Christian counselors.
PROVIDES CLARITY IN MUDDY SITUATION.......2007-01-09
This book is very accurate in its portrayal of the causes and aftermath of an affair and offers some tools and a pathway back from a very dark place, if you chose to. A must read for all couples.
Very disappointing.......2007-01-08
I found this book very disappointing. I expected to get a lot more out of it.
It assumes both parties are equally comitted and it touches on issues very uperficially.
Product Description
From a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence -and returned to find forgiveness and restoration - comes this practical book about predicting and preventing an extra-martial affair. Based on the principle that the grass is aways greener when its watered, this book focuses on howto grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective "hedges" around it.
Customer Reviews:
Hope after heartache.......2007-05-11
Honest and insightful, this book not only reveals how easy it was for the author to be deceived, but also shares practical steps we can take to affair-proof our own marriages. Her now-successful marriage offers hope for those who have experienced the heartache of adultery. A must-read for every couple who wants to protect their marriage.
Great.......2007-02-17
This book is excellent reading for any couple who has had to deal with an affair. It is told by someone who has had to live the experience. I would recommend highly. My husband and I both thought it was useful. It is full of suggestions on how to avoid falling into old patterns.
How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage.......2006-11-10
very easy to read, and understand.
Good weapon.......2006-11-09
While all of the mad men chase the homosexual partnership laws, and the right to pray on your lunch break, those in the faith and knowledge of Jesus Christ have forgotten satan true agenda of destroying the family. The greatest weapon is also the oldest trick in the book. Adultery is at an all time high in this country and no one knows it except the ones it has effected the most. Children are broken, friends and familys are torn apart. Lives are ruin by this sin which has somehow become the least of all human errors. Adultery is a sin and as destructive and murder and stealing, but most adulterous are unaware of this fact. Plain hard and simple, you need to arm yourself with the knowledge of it's entanglement or find yourself a victim of the roaring lion who goes to and fro seeking whom he may desire.
The only thing green is the emotion of envy and jealousy evoked by fantasy.......2006-09-29
This is written from a Christian perspective and the author's first hand account of her own syndrome of "the grass looks greener". Thank God (literally) that she was able to restore her marriage. For anyone who is a friend of someone who has been horribly betrayed ... this is great for them and those who are emotionally supporting them through it. It also helps one understand both sides of the story so they don't take one side blindly, and detachment in the long-run aids in being a supportive friend. That said, it is urged that the one who is hurting seek out professional help as friends can never be fully objective. I found myself on the supportive friend side once in my life to someone who was very important to me at the time. Had this book been available it probably would have helped me be an objective support without taking on their pain of the drama, and being so drawn in to the toxic emotional aftermath that I had no choice but to extract myself completely for my own sanity.
Infidelity has been scorned in most religious thought circles because of this very thing ... the intense pain it causes everyone in the situation especially the innocent children and ... even those who committed the adultery. Society can accept men violating marital vows much more than women, but both genders are equally capable and ultimately responsible for some very serious damage to others and possibly themselves. Don't allow a mirage of the grass is always greener to ruin a situation that isn't that bad, can be improved, is worth fighting for - a marriage and a family unit. This is why wedding vows are till death do us part. Divorces done believing that a second marriage and partner will be better are statistically disproved given their higher failure rates on average. Whether the person who left or the person deserted finds a new spouse the residual bitter repercussions are so deep that any unfinished business (and with kids it is never over) spills over to a new relationship for the worse. Unless the marriage is violent (emotionally, verbally, physically, socially, etc) and life threatening hands down .... Those who stay find that they are happy they did two to five years later if both parties commit to working to make it better. Marriage is hard work and it makes you married not happy. Only you can do that .... Hence why the lure of an illusion that another man/woman will bring the true love happiness really ... is simply a mirage that soon evaporates. Assuming that it is true love between the spouses .... the question really is .... are you going to fight and stand your ground to keep it alive?
Books:
- Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Second Edition (Resources for Changing Lives)
- Alternative Medicine Guide to Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia and Environmental Illness (Alternative Medicine Guide)
- Around the Tuscan Table: Food, Family, and Gender in Twentieth Century Florence
- Art Therapy: An Introduction (BASIC PRINCIPLES INTO PRACTICE)
- Baby's Box of Fun: A Karen Katz Lift-the-Flap Gift Set: Where Is Baby's Belly Button; Where Is Baby's Mommy?; Toes, Ears, & Nose
- Backwards & Forwards: A Technical Manual for Reading Plays
- Bad Luck and Trouble
- Beginnings & Beyond: Foundations in Early Childhood Education
- Beyond the Blues: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression
- Big Box of Boynton: Barnyard Dance! Pajama Time! Oh My Oh My Oh Dinosaurs!
Books Index
Books Home
Recommended Books
- Principles of Macroeconomics
- Guerrilla Warfare
- The Handbook of First Mortgage Underwriting : A Standard Method for the Commercial Real Estate Indus
- A Companion to Chrétien de Troyes
- Challenge of Third World Development, The
- Graphic Novels: Everything You Need to Know
- Che Guevara Reader: Writings by Ernesto Che Guevara on Guerrilla Strategy, Politics & Revolution
- Top Accounting Issues for 2006 Cpe Course
- Adam Smith's Moral Philosophy: A Historical and Contemporary Perspective on Markets, Law, Ethics, an
- Goanna: The Biology of Varanid Lizards
Interpersonal Relations
| Relationships
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
| Books
NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To
Infidelity: A Survival Guide
My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
Surviving an Affair
