Book Description
Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and and bestselling author of
You Just Don't Understand and many other books, reveals why talking to family members is so often painful and problematic even when we're all adults. Searching for signs of acceptance and belonging, we find signs of disapproval and rejection. Why do the seeds of family love so often yield a harvest of criticism and judgment? In
I Only Say This Because I Love You, Tannen shows how important it is, in family talk, to learn to separate word meanings, or messages, from heart meanings, or metamessages — unstated but powerful meanings that come from the history of our relationships and the way things are said. Presenting real conversations from people's lives, Tannen reveals what is actually going on in family talk, including how family conversations must balance the longing for connection with the desire for control, as we struggle to be close without giving up our freedom.
This eye-opening book explains why grown women so often feel criticized by their mothers; and why mothers feel they can't open their mouths around their grown daughters; why growing up male or female, or as an older or younger sibling, results in different experiences of family that persist throughout our lives; and much, much more. By helping us to understand and redefine family talk, Tannen provides the tools to improve relationships with family members of every age.
Customer Reviews:
You Need to read this Book!.......2007-09-13
Everyone with a family should read this book. It has excellent examples and you will recognize the conversations and situations because you have heard or participated in very similar communication fiascoes.
Extremely informative.......2006-06-27
I have used the information in this book to enhance my communication and relationship skills with my family and others I work with. I believe the book is worth the time reading!
I only Say This because i Love you.......2006-03-19
This makes a mother stop and isten to herself when she is talking to her adult daughter. Why does the daughter not like to visit her? Well, in this book may be the answer, the way the mother talks to her grown daughter. The book should go both ways in helping the daughter learn how to talk to her mother, who is wanting a close relationship to her grown daughter now. This is a very good book, one that can help people grow in their communications with each other.
Interesting.......2006-03-16
I found this book to be helpful in understanding some of the language that goes on between my family, to know we are not the only ones out there with problems in relating to each other.
really really really really good. really........2003-10-27
I cannot express how much this book has helped me understand what's going on in my family. A lot of arguments in my family center around who said what, how they said it, and why they said it. And Tannen provides almost all of the tools necessary for us to even think about reconciling.
This really is an enlightening book. What it does do, is explain what goes on in a particular aspect of any family - she explains how family arguments and conversations work, why some things are said but other left unsaid, and provides some suggestions and advice for going back and fixing some of those misunderstandings. She provides a really comprehensive overview of whole family setups, organizations, and tons of possible situations.
She doesn't say "here's how to fix your problems - they shall all be solved". She can't - she's not your own psychologist. But there is so much information to work with, that for a majority of families this will definitely provide a really good and solid basis for reconciling, and even allowing family members to start talking to each other civily again.
Tannen has done tons of research, and provides many examples from all types of families throughout the whole book - grandparents, partners, families with children, families without children, cross-culture families, etc.. I do have to completely agree with another reader that the examples Tannen gives could have been plucked straight from my life. I found one line in particular that could actually explain away years of misunderstanding between two whole branches of my family, myself included. It's also a very fast read - I read it through in just a few days, and I'm a slow reader.
If anyone in your family is even remotely having difficulties talking to others in your family, you should buy this book. I can't tell you how much it's helped me already. Had to buy two more copies of the book for other family members to "borrow".
Book Description
Only children don’t have to share bedrooms, toys, or the backseat of a car. They don’t have to share allowances, inheritances, or their parents’ attention. But when they get into trouble, they can’t just blame their imaginary friends. In Only Child, twenty-one acclaimed writers tell the truth about life without siblings—the bliss of solitude, the ache of loneliness, and everything in between.
In this unprecedented collection, writers like Judith Thurman, Kathryn Harrison, John Hodgman, and Peter Ho Davies reflect on the single, transforming episode that defined each of them as an only child. For some it came while lurking around the edges of a friend’s boisterous family, longing to be part of the chaos. For others, it came in sterile hospital halls, while single-handedly caring for a parent with cancer. They write about the parents who raised them, from the devoted to the dismissive. They describe what it’s like to be an only child of divorce, an only because of the death of a sibling, an only who reveled in it or an only who didn’t.
In candid, poignant, and often hilarious essays, these authors—including the children of Erica Jong, Alice Walker, and Phyllis Rose—explore a lifetime of onliness. As adults searching for partners, they are faced with the unique challenge of trying to turn a longtime trio into a quartet. In deciding whether to give junior a sib, they weigh the benefits of producing the friend they never had against the fear that they will not know how to divide their love and attention among multiples. As they watch their parents age, they come face-to-face with the onus of being their family’s sole historian.
Whether you’re an only child curious about how your experiences compare to others’, the partner or spouse of an only, a parent pondering whether to stop at one, or someone with siblings who’s always wondered how the other half lives, Only Child offers a look behind the scenes and into the hearts of twenty-one smart and sensitive writers as they reveal the truth about growing up—and being a grown-up—solo.
Customer Reviews:
A must read for an only child or anyone who knows one.......2007-08-05
This was a terrific book. Although I am an only child with many only child friends, I had never thought so much about how much that aspect of my background shaped my life. Reading this book was like reading my own diary - I discovered many things in common with these writers, and found their stories funny, heartwarming and fascinating. I want to give it to everyone I know so that they will understand me better! So glad I found this book.
A delightful collection.......2007-07-24
I first bought a few copies of this book to give to the only "onlies" in my life. (I'm a middle child with an older brother and younger sister, and I never really gave much thought to what life might be like without siblings.) I happened to sneak a peek, though, before giving one of the books away and, after reading just the introduction, decided to go out and get my own copy. I then read one essay each night before bed and loved the variety of voices and experiences captured in this collection. The writing is strong, the stories are poignant - they made me laugh, cry, and think about myself, my family, and other families around me. I absolutely recommend this book; it's a joy to read.
Not just for onlies.......2007-07-13
OK, I'm not an only child, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book and remembering the times I imagined myself as one. It speaks to those of us with siblings who ever looked to our only friends and thought, just for a minute, that we wished we were (admit it, you've been there). And it offers enormous insight into that intimate world for anyone contemplating having one--and only one. Simply storytelling at its finest.
Interesting Perspectives & Funny, often Poignant Stories.......2007-07-12
As one of three, and the mother of three, I fully enjoyed the anecdotes and perspectives of these onlies. My mom was an only, and now maybe, just maybe, I can relate to her onlyness a little bit! I thought it would make me wish I was one of one, but it made me grateful for my siblings, and extended siblings especially to help get through rough times. A fun read.
surrounded by onlies.......2007-07-11
I'm the wife of an only, a man who loved being a singular sensation growing up. I'm also the mother of an only who didn't. So I was curious about what I'd find in this book. I found Siegel's piece particularly helpful in understanding why it was so hard to break into my husband's tight little family of three. And, in Teller's piece, I found reassurance that my daughter will be okay when we're even older and even grayer and she has to deal with us all by herself. Some of the pieces were laugh-out-loud funny (like the "wrong bedroom" scene in Uviller's piece), some were curious, some were sad. My final conclusion comforted me: like everything, there are lots of variations on the theme. And they're all interesting.
Book Description
As the parent of an only child, are you frustrated because you find yourself overindulging and overcompensating? Do you treat your child like an adult, overpraise, or overprotect him? Have you expected perfection from your child yet failed to make rules and implement them consistently? If you are not a perfect parent of an only child, you are not alone. Based on the real-life experiences of Carolyn White—editor of Only Child, parent, and educator—and hundreds of interviews with only children and parents of only children, The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child celebrates the special rewards and opportunities of the single-child family and offers a practical (and often humorous) guide for overcoming the most common errors parents can make when rearing an only child.
Download Description
As the parent of an only child, are you frustrated because you find yourself overindulging and overcompensating? Do you treat your child like an adult, overpraise, or overprotect him? Have you expected perfection from your child yet failed to make rules and implement them consistently? If you are not a perfect parent of an only child, you are not alone. Based on the real-life experiences of Carolyn White—editor of Only Child, parent, and educator—and hundreds of interviews with only children and parents of only children, The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child celebrates the special rewards and opportunities of the single-child family and offers a practical (and often humorous) guide for overcoming the most common errors parents can make when rearing an only child.
Customer Reviews:
Love this book.......2007-01-13
I love this book. Excellent information for parents of an only child.
The Kind of Problems You WANT to Have........2006-12-19
Poor Johnny. His parents are always taking him to posh resorts in Bali. And then there are the tours of Europe...and the fact that they talk to him like a person and not a drooling Disney-addicted lobotomy patient. Surely this experience will scar him for life. Of course, Johnny attributes his angst to being an only child. Yet, one is willing to wager, that if Johnny had siblings, his woes would still be the fault of his parents and their family planning decisions. Because of course being the child of workaholics with too much money and way too much space on their Visa platinum has nothing to do with his spoiled, disaffected misery.
Seriously, folks, I picked up this book to get an idea of whether or not I want to have a second child. I was trying to educate myself on both sides of the issue. This book offered very little advice relevant to my reality. Maybe if I were, again, a workaholic with too much credit who had waited until I was 56 to start breeding, it would be a different story. The only parts of the book that were relevant at all to a simple prole like me were the bits that were mere common sense, ie, don't ask for your kid's opinion on which marriage therapist to see or antidepressant to put granny on. Other than that, the "sins" are not even feasible as issues for me ("don't buy your kid everything they want" uh no duh, plus I CAN'T!) or were too stupid for words. Like, "let your kid be a kid, let them do kid stuff with kid people. Don't expect them to act like human beings or have complex human personalities and interests." I'm all for letting a tautology be a tautology but dude, I would have killed to be drug along to France when I was a kid.
The Best "Only" Guide Out There!!.......2006-06-07
I think I've read every book about only children that has ever been written. "The Seven Common Sins" is by far the most practical, touching and inspiring one that I've read so far. The real life tales that Carolyn White provides, coupled with her wonderful way of expressing her own experience raising her only child, made me feel at ease. It was so comforting to know that there are other people out there who have had the same experiences that I have had! Carolyn provides great, solid advice in each section and I really benefitted from doing the "quizzes." I would recommend this book for only children, parents of only children, and for families in general!
Pratical advice for parents of only children.......2006-05-07
Don't take the title too literally! This is one of the best books on parenting; such great, hands-on practical advice. I view the book as a wonderful parenting tool for families with any number of children. As I read the book, I was reminded of several situations that I have observed in families with multiple children, and the parents "commit the same sins" that you mention in the book. Good parenting requires the same principles no matter how many children are in the home. Also, the www.onlychild.com website is a great resource for handling questions from others on why we have an only child. Thank you for your support and common sense!
the title of the book.......2005-08-10
I have an only child and am always interested in learning more, the categories seem to be the same as what I have already read on. I would not by this book, simply because of the title. I do not think "sins" is appropriate and it is a big turn away to me. Many parents of only children feel inadequate having only one child and to use this in the title just doesn't help much.
Book Description
In this classic crack-up of a book, Dave Barry gives his wacky perspective on sex, childbirth, parenting and other forms of slow, cruel torture.
In Babies and Other Hazards of Sex, Dave exposes natural childbirth for what it is: a pop phenomenon of the 1960s that, along with paisley bell-bottoms and creative sideburns, deserves a rest. He examines the new federal law requiring prospective fathers to free themselves from their self-made macho prisons--to laugh, cry, love and just generally behave like certified wimps.
Dave also reveals, for the first time in print, the secret chant for painless childbirth.
Then learn why no secret chant could possibly take a woman's mind off the fact that she is in such pain that she wants a gigantic comet to crash into the earth and kill her and her husband and the dotor and the nurses and everyone else in the world.
Customer Reviews:
Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: review.......2007-07-04
This book should be the bible for those considering having kids. I bought more copies of this for gifts then I can count. It's too funny and I highly recommend it.
One of Dave Barry's best laughs.......2007-01-21
Purchased as a gift for a close friend shortly after they found out they were expecting, because I purchased this 5 years ago when our son and his wife were expecting and living a great distance away. Both men found this book a laugh a minute. Dave Barry at his best.
Warning - Do not read in last trimester!.......2006-06-29
This book is very funny, weirdly prophetic and difficult to read if you've got 8lbs of baby pressing down on your bladder!
THE ONLY BOOK YOU WILL NEED.............2005-10-21
I have always been a fan of Dave Barry.
When my baby's mama got pregnant I spent the better part of three months in a drunken haze. "WHAT WILL I DO?!" I constantly asked my friends. None of them knew. I had just barely turned twenty one and none of my friends were or ever had been in the same boat.
Truth of the matter is, nobody can tell you what to do in this circumstance. The object is to go with the flow, from the time that chick of yours gets pregnant to ... forever.
I was THRILLED when I found this book, and it did not dissapoint. Without it I may have lost my mind and killed that chick with a hatchet.
Very funny, and it will make you forget that you are in HELL! Must have for suprised "expectants."
Not worth the money.......2005-08-04
Just not funny, I returned the book and got my money back.
Book Description
Is it possible to raise a contented only child? Can we be happy with only one child? The answer to both of these questions is a resounding yes.
In recent years, the number of couples choosing to have one child has risen sharply. Whether it's by choice or fate, having a single child presents unique considerations, opportunities, and advantages. Social psychologist Susan Newman, who has been studying single-child families since the 1980s, shatters the myths of the lonely, spoiled only child, and provides in-depth coverage of the critical issues including:
• Making the right family size decision for you
• Withstanding the pressure to have another
• Maintaining a balance of power in a three-member household
• Single-parenting the only child
• Setting boundaries with a child who is used to having your undivided attention
• Fostering high achievement, creativity, and independence in only children
• The effects of having parents, instead of siblings, as role models
• Confronting age-old only-child stereotypes
• Building family networks and other support systems for the future
Presenting fascinating findings and family stories, Dr. Newman shares her knowledge and gives down-to-earth advice, making this the most accessible, up-to-date handbook of its kind. For couples who are already raising an only child, or for those who are exploring the option,
Parenting an Only Child offers encouraging clarity and singular insight. Now with a new resource section.
Download Description
Since the Baby Boom years, the number of couples choosing to have only one child has risen sharply. But whether it's by choice or fate, having just a single child presents unique considerations and opportunities. Debunking the myths of the misfit or spoiled only child, Parenting an Only Child provides in-depth coverage on topics such as: -- Maintaining a balance of power in a three-member household. -- How to set boundaries with a child who is used to having your undivided attention. --How being an "only" can foster high achievement and independence in children. -Why "onlies" need not be lonely. -The effects of having parents, instead of siblings, as models. --Confronting the stereotypes that only children are overly shy or overly aggressive. --Responding to negative predictions from others. What the future holds for aging parents of only children. Providing fascinating findings and family histories, prolific parenting writer Susan Newman shares her knowledge in an encouraging, down-to-earth tone, making this the most accessible, up-to-date handbook of its kind. For couples who are already raising an only child or for those who are exploring the option, Parenting an Only Child provides singular insight.
Customer Reviews:
Parenting an only child.......2007-10-08
If we had any doubts about adding to our family, this book answered our questions. I liked the author's views on parenting our son and especially helpful to me were the tips on parents' attitudes--what works when raising an only child. When I started reading it I felt as if our son was beginning to run our lives, but Dr. Newman gave me several ideas on how to stop that and they are working! She covers all the bases, so to speak, so I highly recommend this book for parents of one as well as for parents who are on the fence like we were.
Parenting...Preachy.......2007-09-13
This text is not what I was hoping for. I was looking for something with better laid-out strategies. The first few chapters focus on the case for onlies. I want something more geared towards people who have already decided on an only.
A communist manifesto for having an only child!.......2006-07-03
Not to invoke images of politics in this review, but this book reads much more like a manifesto about why it is so wonderful to have an only child rather than multiples.
There's only about 80 pages in the 243 pages that actually deal with parenting (pages 99 to 178 in the paperback edition), and these pages may worth the price of the book. A couple of insights (at least for me), is that it's just as important to share not just toys and things (which the author points out is easy to teach to onlies with extensive time in playgroups), but it's also important to teach sharing time. It's important for the only child to know that mommy and daddy aren't always at the onlies beck and call.
The first 99 pages deal with the changing demographics -- families have gotten much smaller in the past 50 years (in case anyone hasn't noticed!) -- and that the problems encountered by onlies 50 years ago just aren't relevant today. Onlies are so much more common now. But, for teaching parenting skills, don't look in these first 99 pages, they are just filled with facts and figures about family sizes.
Then, starting about page 179 to the end, the book is all about standing up to the pressure parents feel (from themselves, from friends, from enemies, from the grandparents, etc. etc.) to have more kids. This is probably good reading if you find yourself facing pressure (external or internal) to have another child but don't really want one. Still, not much in these pages about parenting.
Towards the end of the book, there's discussion about a serious issue: how is the only to cope when the parents are old, sick and ultimately die. The book still doesn't recommend having a second child, but does acknowledge that these are real concerns and presents some well thought out strategies. For example, the book points out that siblings may not be as helpful in caring for older parents than we'd all hope. The book also recommends that parents take extra time allowing the only to have strong and meaningful relationships with extended family -- first and second cousins -- and to continually develop the ability to maintain strong friendships (which can often be as meaningful relationship to the only as family).
Overall, some good discussion on relavent issues, but also too pendantic at times. The 80 pages in the middle actually relating to parenting were good, if a bit lightweight. Unfortunately, the way that author continually quotes others to make her point seemed too anecdotal to me. It would have been nice for a Psychology PhD to have provided more substance and research-based discussion.
Trite and superficial - NOT aparenting Tool.......2005-08-17
Half of this book is devoted to justifying the decision to have an only child. If you aren't deeply committed to having had one and that's just how it is, the repetitive superiority argument gets tiresome. If you do hold deep convictions that this is the right and only decision for you, I doubt that you need this kind of validation... there are bettter arguments than she offers. Newman spends a lot of time arguing against the myths of how an only child will turn out...selfish, spoiled, dependent, etc. But the second half of the book, supposedly devoted to the unique issues of parenting an only, droans on about these same issues and paints the picture of the over-zealous pressuring super-mom/dad. There is very little new or useful information presented, especially if you've ever read, another, better parenting book. She provides few citations of actual research to back up her assertions and relies simply on naming indiviuals who are onlies or parents of onlies and citing their experiences in support of her "conclusions" it was easy to doubt their authenticity. By then end of the book she sounded like a park bench parent who assumed her way was the best/only way. I also found her penchant for bashing the relationships of siblings and parents/children in multi-child families distressing and her arguments quite flawed. I forced myself to finish this book hoping to come away with some useful information about the truly unique and complex issues that arise with an only child. You need not waste your time doing the same... there is little here other than oversimplified generalitites, unsubstantiated opinions, and streotyping.
Not the best.......2005-08-04
This book slams families with more than one child.As an only child myself I took this book out of the library out of curiosity.Mrs neuman is obviously against the traditional family and glorifies the idea of having one child.As an only child I have to say that the research is seriously FLAWED.The parents of onlies will not live forever,friends and other relatives will never be as close as a sibling.I can honestly say that I would give anything to have a sibling and I deeply resent my parents selfish decision to have one child.Not all onlies are confident or social butterflys as she boldly claims,very often the opposite is true.Very often the so-called MYTHS about onlies are in fact true.This is a sad attempt to sell a book .The greatest gift that any parent can give their child is a sibling.I have 5 children,they are well provided for,we dont live in poverty or chaos,we dont need to spend thousands on classes galore,we certainly dont drive a station wagon,or live on macaroni and I stay home with my kids.Mrs Neumans negative view of large families and stay at home moms is sad to say the least.
Book Description
Single-child families are more common than ever before, yet many parents are concerned that they are somehow cheating their child of a "real" family experience. Recent findings, however, suggest that only children are frequently more confident, verbal and quick to learn than children from larger families. In this reassuring and practical book, Dr. Patricia Nachman presents solid, well-supported evidence that the myths surrounding only children are just that -- myths.
Drawing on her years of practice as a child psychologist, Nachman offers proven parenting strategies for dealing with a range of issues unique to only child-households, while helping parents build a strong, supportive relationship with their child. Filled with insight and authoritative advice, You and Your Only Child reassures parents that there is nothing unnatural about being or having an only child.
Customer Reviews:
A Feel Good Book.......2006-05-11
I found this book to be mostly a Feel Good About Yourself kind of book. The issues that were brought up were all issues those of us with onlies already know and are dealing with. The book offered very little advice or 'how to's' on how to deal with these issues, and the advice it did give was just common sense. Also, the constant references to "Studies" that show how great things are going to be for your only and how wonderful he/she is going to turn out, were a bit too much, in fact I began to doubt if those studies were real.
Helpful.......2004-10-20
I liked this book. It had some helpful tips on raising an "only" child. I grew up (happily) with seven siblings and was afraid that my son would be lonely but this book made me feel that he can have a perfectly happy childhood.
An Excellent Resource.......2002-03-15
What is wonderful about this book is that it includes and speaks directly to parents who may not have originally intended for their child to be an "only". Parents who may have wanted a larger family, but cannot due to circumstance are dealing with their own feelings as well and this book does a great job of identifing and advising on this aspect. This book is well written, well organized and offers practical advice in an intelligent and reassuring way.
Disappointing.......2000-05-28
I found this book disappointing. It was very basic and anecdotal, and seemed to only brush the surface of many of the issues I am seriously struggling with. Some may find it useful, but being fairly educated and knowledgeable as a parent, I found it rather insulting.
Good, solid book.......2000-02-01
I've recently read 4 Amazon books on this subject. This one is the second best. Unlike two of the others, it does not get lost in personal narrative and anecdotal evidence. It offers support based on the experience and opinions of experts rather than simply relying on opinions of random individuals.
Average customer rating:
- Jailbirds, Child Molesters, Bulemics and Workaholics
- Thought provoking
- From an only child's perspective...
- Very little real information, mostly the author's own angst
- What Happened to the Rules of Grammar?
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The Only Child: Being One, Loving One, Understanding One, Raising One
Darrell Sifford
Manufacturer: Perennial
ProductGroup: Book
Binding: Paperback
 Adolescent Psychology
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| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
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Psychology
| Child Psychology
| Psychology & Counseling
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
| Books
Developmental Psychology
| Psychology & Counseling
| Health, Mind & Body
| Subjects
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Marriage & Family
| Sociology
| Social Sciences
| Nonfiction
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General
| Parenting
| Parenting & Families
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General
| Parenting & Families
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My Only Child, Theres No One Like You (Birth Order Books)
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The Seven Common Sins of Parenting An Only Child: A Guide for Parents and Families
ASIN: 0060972882 |
Book Description
Darrell Sifford, an only child himself, has drawn from countless case studies and interviewed a wide range of psychologists to come up with a unique picture of the only child. He asks:
- What drives the only child to achieve at levels above and beyond other children?
- Why is it so hard for the only child to forgive and forget?
- Why are only children so respectful of authority?
- Why does it seem the only child has a bottomless need for praise?
- How can parents keep from spoiling and overvaluing their only child?
- How can only children break the chains of parental dependency?
This is the first warm, personal, and enormously helpful exploration of what it really means to grow up without siblings. It will leave only children feeling very good about themselves.
Customer Reviews:
Jailbirds, Child Molesters, Bulemics and Workaholics.......2004-10-13
I was hugely disappointed by this book. The premises are excellent, and I read it in the hope of gaining some insights into parenting my daughter (who will be an only child). I did not receive anything of the kind! There were chapters about a jailbird who was an only child, an only child who was molested by her mother, only children with eating orders, and MUCH attention paid to only children who grew to become perfectionist workaholics. I wasn't sure whether to cry or to laugh out loud! The approach to parenting was outdated (particularly with gender stereotyping) and I can't think of one piece of advice that was helpful to me. I read the first half, and only skimmed the second half, paying close attention to the parenting section...but came away with nothing. I feel sorry for the author that he needed such a public outlet for his feelings about being an only child...and I'm a bit embarrassed for him.
Thought provoking.......2004-02-23
As an "only child" raising an only child, I found this book very insightful and thought provoking. It gives the parents of an only a lot of issues to think about and evaluate. If you are looking for a specific fix for a specific problem, this is not the book for you. However, if you are raising an only child and want to know what issues you need to address, this is a book for you. Also, I think that being an only makes you realize how sensitive and important the issues this author discusses are. If you're not an only child yourself, you may not be aware of how these issues will affect and define your only child.
From an only child's perspective..........2004-01-11
I grew up as an only child as this book accurately reflects the thoughts and feelings I had growing up and now today as an adult. I found myself laughing and sometime crying because I had many of the same experiences and the author. The book was given to me by my spouse and helped me look at myself and the things that I do which may adversely affect others.
Very little real information, mostly the author's own angst.......2003-03-15
Ugh. I bought this book b/c my child will be an "only," and I hoped for some input on how to avoid some of the stereotypes attached to only children. Instead, the author seemed intent on using this book as his personal journal through which he explored his own issues from childhood. [yawn] It got pretty annoying pretty fast.
The author starts out by trying to say that the stereotypes about only children aren't necessarily true, and he gives a good argument that sometimes children develop traits for reasons other than their lack of siblings. He suggests that some stereotypes exist because -- once it's discovered that a child is an only -- people stop looking for OTHER reasons that a trait or a situation might have developed.
Unfortunately, after this promising beginning, the author blathers on interminably with a series of "I have
characteristic, and it's because I was an only child." And we have to read about his perfectionist tendencies and how he wept on his wife's shoulder about how he struggled with them. [yawn]
All in all, I thought this book was useless, except maybe as a catharsis for the author's own shortcomings. [sigh] It certainly didn't offer any practical advice for raising an only child or addressing some of the pitfalls they face.
What Happened to the Rules of Grammar?.......2001-11-15
The contents was good but the flow of reading was disappointing. There were commas where it didn't need it, there were new paragraphs when it wasn't necessary, and it the book seemed more like a personal journal where thoughts and feeling are written down without any organization. On the admirable note, the author did identify some key aspects of being an only child and has called to attention the pluses as well as the minuses. I do recommend this reading for any only child and whoever plans to marry one or have one.
Amazon.com
"Everything we say to each other echoes with meanings left over from our past experience--both our history talking to the person before us at this moment and our history talking to others," says Deborah Tannen, one of the world's most famous linguists. We react not only to the message, but to the "metamessage": our interpretation of the unstated meaning, based on tone, relationship, and our past associations. Add in the connections and control issues among family members, and it's no wonder families have so much trouble understanding each other!
I Only Say This Because I Love You is aimed mostly at adult family interactions. Professor Deborah Tannen, the popular author of You Just Don't Understand, uses anecdotes filled with dialogues to illustrate why we hear criticism when the other person meant to convey caring, how family members create alignments with secrets and broken confidences, the dynamics of arguments, the power of apologies, gender patterns in family talk, and communication with teens. You're bound to recognize your family members--and yourself!--in Tannen's examples.
You won't find quick, easy answers for improving communication in your family, but you will discover another dimension of understanding what's really going on. Now if you could just get your mother to read the book! --Joan Price
Book Description
Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and and bestselling author of
You Just Don't Understand and many other books, reveals why talking to family members is so often painful and problematic even when we're all adults. Searching for signs of acceptance and belonging, we find signs of disapproval and rejection. Why do the seeds of family love so often yield a harvest of criticism and judgment? In
I Only Say This Because I Love You, Tannen shows how important it is, in family talk, to learn to separate word meanings, or messages, from heart meanings, or metamessages — unstated but powerful meanings that come from the history of our relationships and the way things are said. Presenting real conversations from people's lives, Tannen reveals what is actually going on in family talk, including how family conversations must balance the longing for connection with the desire for control, as we struggle to be close without giving up our freedom.
This eye-opening book explains why grown women so often feel criticized by their mothers; and why mothers feel they can't open their mouths around their grown daughters; why growing up male or female, or as an older or younger sibling, results in different experiences of family that persist throughout our lives; and much, much more. By helping us to understand and redefine family talk, Tannen provides the tools to improve relationships with family members of every age.
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The bestselling author of You Just Don't Understand and Talking from 9 to 5 shows how to understand talk in families and how to do it better.
Customer Reviews:
Fabulous new insights to relationships of all kinds.......2002-02-13
Chapter 1 of Tannen's latest book provides some fabulous new insights to relationships of all kinds. Her discussions of the connection-control schema and meta-messages concept allow the reader to gain new perspectives on those sometimes frustrating interactions with loved ones (or coworkers, or strangers...). The rest of the book is really just "gravy" on top of the information in Chapter 1. Wow, I loved this book-- a definite recommendation to anyone interested in better understanding relationship communication (I see my mother's "advice," formerly a source of frustration/anger, in a whole new light!).
I Only Say This to be Honest.......2001-08-25
Would that it were true that family relationships came down to the words we use when we talk to one another. Tannen tries to wrestle complex family dynamics into conversational styles, and fails dismally. Much of the "insights" are superficial, suggestions for improving relationships minimal, and the examples provided are tedious and boring. I had high hopes for this book but it provided little that was useful to me.
Solid Information, but haven't we heard it before?.......2001-08-20
I loved Tannen's _You Just Don't Understand_ because of the fresh insights it provided, so I was especially disappointed when _I Only Say This Because I Love You_ failed to provide the same feeling of discovery and excitement.
The book focuses on the frequent difference between the actual words that are spoken, and the meaning behind the words (meta-message), which is often about trying to create more connectedness or to alter the power and control dynamics of the relationship.
I found it interesting, but not revolutionary (and I'd come to expect revolutionary from Dr. Tannen).
By understanding the meta-messages both from ourselves and from others, we should have more power to address the meta-messages directly and not get involved in petty bickering and emotional responses that go nowhere except round-and-round.
Overall, I would say that the book contains useful insights and helpful advice, but for people who have already spent time analyzing their intimate relationships, there's probably not much new.
why can't you communicate with so-and-so? find out!.......2001-08-13
I considered myself a good communicator. Then I read this book. It brought things to my attention that I was unaware of, about how I communicate with those closest to me. I was confronted with my own mistakes, in a way that I could not deny, and it motivated me to work on those areas right away! I also saw everybody else I know in this book--because it is about the mistakes we all make. It encompasses all of the different family relationships there are, goals of communication, why certain communication styles don't work, and suggestions for making it easier. The best chapter of all was called "I'm sorry, I'm not apologizing." It talked about why women apologize more than men, why apologizing is harder for men, power issues involved with apologizing, issues around accepting responsibility, and most importantly, the key components of a good apology. I will definitely have a better marriage as a result of reading this book, and I will be recommending it to everyone I know. It was interesting reading, and for me, hard to put down. It is an accessable and very knowledgable reference.
Insightful reference on the levels of how we communicate.......2001-08-08
Exceptional reference for the verbal and the non verbal communicator. Best analogy "Do you hear what I mean?" As a wife of a non verbal communicator and a mother of three one who masters the english language and has strong communication skills to the youngest who struggle with basic communication, I have personally found this title to be instrumental in navigating through our own family and our verbal form of expression.
When exposed to those that struggle with the command of the english language I have had to learn new ways to communicate. This tile is completely on target and goes to posture, stance, tone and so much more.
How our presentation can make a positive or negative impact on the receiver. Often our intent of caring is misunderstood due to our presentation and/or the preconceived disposition of our intended audience.
After reading I was able to grasp the fact that sometimes no matter what was said it was improperly "processed." Truly it is the processing that counts most. Understanding that not everyone processes the same information in the same fashion can be eye opening and yet become an obvious reality.
The author drives home that we need to educate and understand and to be educated and understanding with our communication skills.
Book Description
Listen Up, Dads! Your Teen Is Talking to You!
As exasperating as parenting can be during these volatile years, your teen is depending on you for steady faithfulness, love, and guidance. And because teens often find words elusive and expression difficult, they probably haven’t told you the things they wish you somehow automatically knew. So let Dad, If You Only Knew... be your guide. Josh Weidmann, just out of the teen years himself, joins his father, James, to help dads understand where their kids are coming from. It’s a messy world they live in, and meeting them in it is no simple task. But knowing these essentials now makes fatherhood eight times easier!
Welcome to Your Teen’s World
It doesn’t matter if you have the most picture-perfect, ideal-in-every-way teen or one who’s in full-swing rebellion. That teen you love is a âriddle wrapped in a mystery.â No father can know what his teen is really thinking.
That’s why youth communicator Josh Weidmann teamed with his father, Jim, to help you bridge the gap. In Dad, If You Only Knewâ¦you’ll get an open, honest glimpse inside the teen mind. Josh’s extensive research, combined with pointed direction from a father’s heart, provide you with the practical guidance you need to establish a healthy, thriving father-teen relationship. It’s one you desire, your teen needs, and you both can’t afford to miss.
Story Behind the Book
âThe resounding cry of teens for their fathers rings in my ear. I have been speaking to youth for five years and the greatest void I see in teens’ lives is the one left by their dad. I am only twenty-three years old myself, and to this day I can say that my dad is the most influential man in my life. Because of his impact, I have asked him share in this book. We have written this message in hopes of helping dads reengage in the vital father-teen relationship.â âJosh Weidmann
Customer Reviews:
Dad, If you only knew.......2007-05-14
A light weight reminder of important things a growing daughter needs to see in and feel from her Dad.
Simple wisdom. Profound imact........2006-06-28
Well, I'm no dad, but I was once a teen, and I have a dad. And this is a message every father today needs to hear. Josh and Jim collaberate to offer us simple truths and guidance. Josh's work with youth all over the country, and his life of integrity, make him an insightful, powerful voice that's worth every father's listening ear (or, reading eye!).
Good Info.......2006-03-11
Josh Weidmann and his dad did a very nice job reminding us what it's like to be young and have questions about our dreams and nightmares in relation to our fathers.The large info is that we, as fathers, frequently go through parenthood oblivious to the real thoughts and fears our kids have. This book is a plain fact educater of those issues with good ideas on how to be a friend instead of a foe to your teen. I recommend the book with a caveat not to stop there but be willing to spend the time while it's still available with your kid and invest in that special love account so they may make withdrawals when the time needs.
Dynamic word for all Dads.......2005-08-11
If you're a dad, this book by Josh and Jim Weidmann is a MUST have for you. You will find the heart of your teen and the path to relationship with that teen. If you feel you are losing touch with the teen in your life (or if your just facing the teen years ahead), you NEED to read this book so you can meet your teen on first base and run the bases of life with them - not against them.
Great book by a great guy.......2005-08-05
Josh and Jim Weidmann have written one of the most challenging and encouraging books for dads. It's one thing to read a book from a young guy telling you how to parent, it's another thing to read a book written by an amazing father-son combination. As a youth pastor I highly recommed this book to any dad that wants to have a better relationship with their teenagers Great job guys!
Customer Reviews:
A parenting bubble bath........2000-04-09
Advice that relaxes you... because it makes you more effective. And vice versa.
With chapter headings like "How to Use Everyday Drudgery to Promote Your Child's Growth" and "How to Deal with a Dozen Impossible Situation That You Can't Possibly Solve", this book attracted me.
Taffel focuses on parenting myths that get in our way. For instance, there's "the myth of parent-child harmony" -- which begets a discussion of "Why Children Never Let Up on Us and Why They Need Us to Stay Connected". In exposing the myths, Taffel allows us a sigh of relief. Stop worrying that you are not wise enough. Stop worrying that you are not being perfectly fair; it's IMPOSSIBLE to be perfectly fair all the time. Stop worrying that you are not perfectly consistent; that too is impossible.
All of this is not to say there's no need for quality time or fairness. That is NOT the argument here. But what with the tons of advice on the bookshelves, it's easy to get obsessed and lose sight of reality. Taffel helps us step back and think about what our children genuinely need from us (it's a lot -- but it's doable).
Thus Taffel titles one chapter "The Myth of the Fair Parent: How to Use Bribery, Threats, Guilt and Other 'Dirty Tricks' to Help Your Child Become a Better Person". I think his advice is let's get over it, accept the messiness of parenting/childhood, and work hard to make things good in that messy world. (Don't mistake this for "let's make a mess".)
There's a chapter on our need to connect to other families and one on "Why Old-Fashioned Values Will Always Have a Place in Modern Parenting." In fact the book is a nice blend of old-fashioned values and new attitudes. Taffel is relaxing because he does not present them as mutually exclusive.
I particularly like his list of "rights" (p. 200): "You also have to recognize that you have certain rights vis-a-vis your child. Recognizing your rights can help...give you real power over your child" [not authoritarian power, but necessary power] These include "the right to slow down the action", "the right to change your mind", "the right to consult with your partner", and more. In conjunction with rights you have responsibilities.
It helps to see it in print, stated by a respectable expert. It helps us articulate our thoughts and thus act on them with resolve. For all these reasons, this book is worth your time. You'll feel understood, and you'll come away more relaxed and confident with your kids.
Read this BEFORE you have problems.
Books:
- Interviewing in Action: Relationship, Process, and Change
- It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up With Addiction As Youngsters, Adolescents, Adults
- Kids Around the World Celebrate!: The Best Feasts and Festivals from Many Lands (Kids Around the World)
- Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder
- Love You Forever
- Mom's Ok, She Just Forgets: The Alzheimer's Journey from Denial to Acceptance
- Montessori Play And Learn: A Parent's Guide to Purposeful Play from Two to Six
- Mother Angelica's Little Book of Life Lessons and Everyday Spirituality
- Nectar in a Sieve (Signet Classics)
- Nemesis: The True Story of Aristotle Onassis, Jackie O, and the Love Triangle That Brought Down the Kennedys
Books Index
Books Home
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You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation
That's Not What I Meant!
You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents
Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work
